Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

newcook

I’d like to know why most of the time it’s the other person that gets blamed rather than the husband/wife who cant keep their pants on!

gettingbackontrack

newcook wrote: »

I’d like to know why most of the time it’s the other person that gets blamed rather than the husband/wife who cant keep their pants on!

I blame them equally. In this thread, the OP has affected an air of "it's nothing to do with me" that their lover is married. I think he's a despicable liar and a sorry excuse for a man. But the OP is responsible for encouraging him to lie -and rewarding him for it - without a moment's thought for his wife and children.

Pollycat

xxxxhelpxxxx wrote: »

How can an affair possibly have a happy ending?

My mother had affairs when I was growing up. My parents eventually divorced when I was 15 and screw*d me over for life because of it. My husband had an affair, got a woman pregnant and we are now trying to deal with that. It will ultimately lead to the breaking up of our family.

Having an affair with someone else's husband or wife is selfish, irresponsible and downright disrespectful to everyone concerned.

The other person should at least have the decency to either end it with their partner. If an affair is going on, there are other problems in the marriage that need to be sorted out. Communication is key (as I have found out too late).

My life has been turned upside down, my children's lives will be turned upside down when they are told and all our extended family now have to deal with the fact that there is another child on the way as well.

People who have affairs disgust me!!!!

If anything should give pause for thought to all those people who are having an affair - whether the man is married or the woman is married or both of them as well as the 'other person' in the affair even if, like the OP, they are not with someone else - this heart-wrenching post from someone who is actually going through it should make people stop and think of the hurt and harm they are potentially inflicting.

I agree 100% with gettingbackontrack's post #901.

Bogof_Babe

I've just had a lightbulb moment and realised that the answer to the OP's question (Can an affair ever have a happy ending?) can be summed up as...

Not while it's an affair.

If a happy ending is the aim, then you must immediately ask your man friend whether he is prepared to commit to you fully. If he prevaricates in any way, you have your answer.

If he says yes, then you demand he does something about it NOW. You ask him to tell his wife, sorting out as much damage limitation as is possible to spare her feelings and provide for her future if necessary, then explain to his children that daddy doesn't love them any less but he won't be living with mummy any more.

It still won't be happy for his wife and children, but at least it will be out in the open, which is a moving forward point.

However if, as I suspect, you do not get that level of commitment, then you will have to take the pain yourself - sorry but that's more often than not the outcome of these things. At least you'll know where you stand, and can begin to rebuild your life and move on.

1echidna

It is interesting, one side of this argument are throwing 'blame' and 'disgust' at the other. No need surely as every instance is different and such blanket condemnation is unnecessary, not that I particular care what some here think.

xxxxhelpxxxx

newcook wrote: »

I’d like to know why most of the time it’s the other person that gets blamed rather than the husband/wife who cant keep their pants on!

I blame my husband for not being unable to keep it in his pants; I blame her for enabling and encouraging him; I blame myself for not challenging him and I blame myself for allowing a lack of communication to develop in our marriage. It works all ways. But ultimately the blame lies with two people, the person who decides to have a relationship with a married man and the married person themselves for not being man (or woman) enough to end the marriage before embarking on an affair.

I am not brave. I am not strong. I am weak. If I was strong I would have kicked him out the second I found out but I didn't.

Bogof_Babe

xxxxhelpxxxx wrote: »

I blame my husband for not being unable to keep it in his pants; I blame her for enabling and encouraging him; I blame myself for not challenging him and I blame myself for allowing a lack of communication to develop in our marriage. It works all ways. But ultimately the blame lies with two people, the person who decides to have a relationship with a married man and the married person themselves for not being man (or woman) enough to end the marriage before embarking on an affair.

I am not brave. I am not strong. I am weak. If I was strong I would have kicked him out the second I found out but I didn't.

Excellent post :T. Could have written that myself, except in my case my husband did "keep it in his pants" (well I'm almost sure) but from what I know now it's likely that was because his body wasn't what she was actually after, him being 22 years older and her being in debt! However it isn't very nice being "made love to" when you become aware that he has to have his eyes screwed tight shut to do it, because he is fantasising about someone else. Yuk _pale_.

lostinrates

janninew wrote: »

As for some posters saying his/her children may never forgive them, possibly or as in my case you do, they are your parents, you move on. Nearly every man in my family has cheated on their partners (Dad, Grandad, Brother, Ex Husband)
.....children can go on to lead perfectly normal lives after separation and affairs, .....

I agree children are adaptable. I also agree marriages should be stayed in if they are unhappy.*

But I can't help wonder if a lasting impact of the infidelities is that generations of men in the family cheat...and generations of women ''accept'' or ''expect'' it? Pretty impossible to determine one way or another, but a possibilty.

I also wanted to say how lucky you are your parents and especially your mother were so mature and put your needs first and behaved ''well''. Its wonderful to read that.

* edit typo...I think prolonging an unhappy relationship is not a good thing (though I do think many fail to give it a decent second chance and make changes needed on bothside for any relationship to be happy)!

newcook

lostinrates wrote: »

I agree children are adaptable. I also agree marriages should be stayed in if they are unhappy.

do you mean should not be stayed in if unhappy? or do you mean that it should be worked on until they can get happy again?

a1969baby

Errata wrote: »

And the moon is made of blue cheese. You started this thread because you felt seeing your fancy man every now and then wasn't enough for you. You wanted more than that and your conscience played no part.

gettingbackontrack wrote: »

Quite.

This wasn't "THis is wrong" - it was "Is this working out for me?"

I can't see that the OP wrote either of those things in her original post?

purpletoenails wrote: »

Hi all,

I'm probably going to get criticized for what I'm about to write, but as a long time lurker on these forums I know that I can also expect some sensible and honest opinions.

I have been having a relationship with a married man for some time now and I'm starting to get fed up with the situation and wonder if this is all it's ever going to be. How likely is it that a married man would leave his wife for the 'other woman', How do I know if he's serious about me or just toying with me? I know he does love me, but that's not always enough is it?

I am really torn at the moment whether to let things carry on, or to walk away.

PT x

She knew that she was going to come under a lot of fire for having an affair, but the question she asked wasn't whether what she was doing was right - and nor is she asking for tips about how to lure the man away from his wife, or how to successfully split up his family so that she can have him. How it came across to me was that she was trying in her own mind to work out if she is ever likely to be anything more than just his lover. It seems obvious to me that ending the relationship is already a very clear option for the OP.