Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

purpletoenails

gettingbackontrack wrote: »

Really? I've yet to see you show one ounce of consideration for your lover's wife and children. He's lying to them all and that seems to be OK with you. Not a moment's concern as you happily jump into bed with this husband and father. Has it occurred to you how hurt they will be when they hear of this grubby affair? Oh no, it's nothing to do with you - I forgot.

I pity your children because I doubt you've told them you're sleeping with a married man. I don't discuss who I'm sleeping with with my children - do you discuss it with yours? And have been doing for ages. While he lies and lies and lies and lies and lies to his childre. Good parents don't lie to their children so they can get their leg over when they feel like it. He doesn't - we have slept together only a handful of times in 2 years. And your children may look up to you and when they find out the sordid truth they may wonder why their mother has so few morals and is so unthinking about other people's pain. They have lived with me for many years, they know what sort of person I am, and it's not the person you are describing When you break the hearts of your lover's children Why is it ME thats going to do that? (don't fool yourself that this doesn't affect them because it does and it will), I suspect you'll disllusion your children too.

And if you can't see that your attitude to this woman is pious then heaven help you. You repeat "It's not my place to tell her" so I will repeat, yet you think it's your place to sleep with her husband. I didn't say that either As I said, selfish and calculating. And I'll ask you again - what exactly am I gaining, or do you think I'm gaining, from being in this situation as it stands?

I appreciate your comments and opinions, but the happiness of his family isn't solely my responsibility. He is also entitled to be happy don't you think?

gettingbackontrack

purpletoenails wrote: »

I appreciate your comments and opinions, but the happiness of his family isn't solely my responsibility. No it's not SOLELY your responsibility but it is your responsibility. You know he is a married man who is lying to his children. And you are facilitating that by pandering to his selfishness. If he isn't a serial philanderer (and you say he isn't... yeah right....) thenh he wouldn't be breaking his marriage vows and betraying his children if you ended this affair. He is also entitled to be happy don't you think? He made some marriage vows which he is now conveniently ignoring. He also brought two people into the world who he proclaims go love but instead lies so he can leave them for a day to spend with his mistress. Does he deserve to be happy? That's as old a line as "my wife doesn't understand me". No, he doesn't deserve to be happy if it involves deceit and the betrayal of people he says he loves. That's not love. I think he's a coward who want to have the best of both worlds - his loving fanily and his bit on the side. His children may never forgive him. I hope you and he are prepared for that. .

You're making excuses and trying to portray yourself as an innocent but you are not. As I said, get a conscience and stop these lies. Adultery is sordid and cheap, stop pretending it isn't.

purpletoenails

cazziebo wrote: »

But you're still doing it! Questioning is easy. Musing on internet boards is easy. Taking action is the tough part.

Really, if someone really does love their children so much, they would treat the children's mother with more respect. And of course this has something to do with your children. You are your children's mother-they get their values from you. What are you teaching them about trust and honesty and integrity and loyalty?

Be honest with yourself. This is not a free man. He may not be happy, the relationship may break up whether you are involved or not, but you can choose not to be part of this mess. Or you can choose to be part of it. If you do choose to be the latter, don't try to kid yourself and others you have a conscience and you are the innocent party.

I will be taking action very soon - the questioning and musing is helping the process

Lotus-eater

purpletoenails wrote: »

He is also entitled to be happy don't you think?

Ahh, I've heard that before....

Yes he is. So are you, so is his wife, so are his and your kids.

Do you think this is heading towards happiness for any of you?

purpletoenails

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Ahh, I've heard that before....

Yes he is. So are you, so is his wife, so are his and your kids.

Do you think this is heading towards happiness for any of you?

Well based on what the majority of posters have replied to my original question, the answer would have to be no

purpletoenails

gettingbackontrack wrote: »

You're making excuses and trying to portray yourself as an innocent but you are not. As I said, get a conscience and stop these lies. Adultery is sordid and cheap, stop pretending it isn't.

I've never once tried to pretend I'm innocent - clearly I'm not. However, I would still like to know what you think I am gaining from being in this situation?

Person_one

purpletoenails wrote: »

I've never once tried to pretend I'm innocent - clearly I'm not. However, I would still like to know what you think I am gaining from being in this situation?

What a good question!

Lotus-eater

purpletoenails wrote: »

Well based on what the majority of posters have replied to my original question, the answer would have to be no

It doesn't matter what the crowd think, you seem to be an intelligent reasonable woman. Once you manage to pull out of the gravitational pull of this encounter with this bloke, you know the real answer.

The real answer is, your kids won't be happy once they know what's been going on and they will find out.
His kids will never be happy with you both.
He will never be truly happy, because his kids won't like it.
You will never be truly happy because the discord won't allow it.
His wife will probably cause you problems and who can blame her.

And that's in roughly the best circumstances. It could be alot worse, but it can't be much better.

You don't seem to want to know and I'm surprised you started this thread in the first place tbh, I've known people like you (very close) and I've been the bloke you are meeting and it almost never works out. Maybe 5 in a hundred, but they all think they are different. Mankind's Achilles heel.

gettingbackontrack

purpletoenails wrote: »

I've never once tried to pretend I'm innocent - clearly I'm not. You've consistently protested that your lover's home life is nothing to do with you. But it is. You're wrecking a home (even if he doesn't leave them, the betrayal has happened. The lies can't be unsaid. The trust, loyalty and respect have been shattered). However, I would still like to know what you think I am gaining from being in this situation? A man you like (for some reason). The fact he's another woman's husband doesn't seem to have bothered you at all. It's all about what YOU want - not about what's right. I could muse and question whether you're a lonely singleton who's so desperate that someone else's man is better than none. I suspect you'll say not. I could also wonder if you're rather enjoying the attention on this thread. It's putting you at the centre of something, isn't it? One thing I DO think is that if you had some self-respect (let alone respect for another woman and her children) you wouldn't have put yourself in this situation. If you're trying to play the pity card (oh woe is me, I'm getting nothing from this, I'm a victim...) I wouldn't bother. You know exactly what you're doing, you know exactly what you should do but you don;t have the courage/morals/compassion/sense of decency/honesty to do it. Every second he spends with you is a lie. And there some truly innocent victims in this sleazy scenario who will pay the price for your selfishness and deceit (and it is yours, as well as his).

But whatever i say, you'll carry on justifying yourself and turning a blind eye to the lies. Nasty.

Buffythedebtslayer

The only time I have ever known it to work was once, the woman basically confessed to the guy she loved him and had to leave work cos she couldn't stand it any more.

He followed her home and told her he loved her, went home pack a bag and 10 months later they were married. I think a clean break is the only way it works.

I cannot help be think of his wife, she is living one life, in her version her hubby is her rock her provider her friend and maybe her lover. And all the time he isn't really any of those. It is all a pretence. How awful to discover that. THe father of your children is a lying sack of crap.

2 and half years is a long time. I wonder if his wife suspects. I think you always have some kind of instinct. I hope she has good friends.

xx