Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

nickyhutch

Just because one person has crapped on you, you can't go through life thinking everyone will. Most of us have at least one rubbish relationship in our pasts. Heck she's wrecked a relationship - do you want her to wreck the rest of your life?

Bogof_Babe

Reading between the lines, I'd think VestanPance (which is a fab name btw) was in a long term relationship/marriage, and from experience I can say that in this situation you really do feel you will never be able to trust anyone again. If you've been a close couple for several decades and never suspected a thing, it knocks not only your confidence in yourself, but also in your judgement of other people.

purpletoenails

VestanPance wrote: »

It shows me that I'm a bad judge of people, as up until I found out I would have swore blind my ex would never have done such a thing. It doesn't mean youre a bad judge of all people

I can't have a relationship unless I fully trust that person and they can fully trust me, and I no longer feel I can fully trust anyone. I couldn't have a relationship where I second guess someones every move or motive, and I wouldn't expect anyone to tollerate me for acting in such a manner. Perhaps you could try and get some help with this - not trusting anyone is no way to live and must make you very unhappy.

I wouldn't wish me on anyone these days. I'm not the person I used to be.

You might be a different person now, but that doesn't mean that you won't find somebody in the future that you can have a happy life with. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and hope that things work out.

I wish you all the best

VestanPance

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Reading between the lines, I'd think VestanPance (which is a fab name btw) was in a long term relationship/marriage, and from experience I can say that in this situation you really do feel you will never be able to trust anyone again. If you've been a close couple for several decades and never suspected a thing, it knocks not only your confidence in yourself, but also in your judgement of other people.

This is my story, we'd been together for 17 years. Never suspected a thing.

To add to that I'm ashamed of my reactions and how I handled the breakup. I found a side to me I never thought I had, and one I dislike.

Bogof_Babe

VestanPance wrote: »

This is my story, we'd been together for 17 years. Never suspected a thing.

To add to that I'm ashamed of my reactions and how I handled the breakup. I found a side to me I never thought I had, and one I dislike.

You must make allowances for yourself because you were the victim in this, not the perpetrator. Whatever reactions you found yourself experiencing were not within your control, given the shock and upset you went through. Be proud of yourself for surviving, and accept that things like this bring out aspects of your character that you never suspected you had. We all have them, and there's no shame in giving them an airing when circumstances drive you to it. It doesn't make you a bad person, just a human being.

cazziebo

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Reading between the lines, I'd think VestanPance (which is a fab name btw) was in a long term relationship/marriage, and from experience I can say that in this situation you really do feel you will never be able to trust anyone again. If you've been a close couple for several decades and never suspected a thing, it knocks not only your confidence in yourself, but also in your judgement of other people.

wise words...I 100% agree.

You do have to take control, though. You have a choice, to forever be a victim and be defined by someone else's weakness, or to set your own standards and way forward.

I know the pain caused by a break up, and I would never, ever be involved in causing that to another human being. I know some relationships are doomed to fail, mine probably was, but we're not animals, we have moral choices, and we can decide not to be party to that. So out of respect for your fellow human beings, don't have affairs.Allow people the space and time to sort out their relationships first.

VestanPance, all you did was trust someone you thought loved you. That is not a terrible thing. How horrible must it be to go through life waiting for someone to fulfil your lowest expectations? People are honestly, genuinely good. Just because we come across some ar*eholes doesn't mean everyone is like that. you have to move on, believe in yourself, and believe in others. Geezo, I cringe at some of the things I've done, but hey, learn from that and don't do it again.

You will find someone who deserves a good person like you. In the meantime, enjoy being your own person, making your own choices and finding who you are.

gettingbackontrack

purpletoenails wrote: »

No, it's not all about me - he could have walked away just as easily. I am also aware that there are others to consider and I haven't set out to randomly destroy anyones lives.

You may not have set out to "randomly destroy anyone's lives" but you're doing it, aren;t you? Wilfully and deliberately without a thought but for your own interest.

You have a very pious attitude towards your lover's wife. You don't think it's your place to tell her about this affair but you DO think it's your place to screw her husband? Oh but he's told you they're virtually separated, unhappy together so it must be true. He'd leave if it wasn't for the children.... the house... the oldest excuses in the book. You really can't be gormless enough to believe this. But i don't think you are. I think you're selfish and calculating.

And when you're having your lovely days that you don't want to ruin by talking about whether this man who loves you so much will leave this allegedly unhappy home, has it occurred to you what lie he's told his wife so he can scuttle off to be with you? These children he loves so much? While you were wandering the sunshine, do you think what his wife is doing? Running his home, lookignafter his children, washing his socks - all while he's pulling down another woman's knickers.

I don't know why i' bothering with this because I don't think you care at all. I think you're actually rather proud of what you're doing and that's why you posted on here. Which is very sad. I pity your children (do they know you're sleeping with a married man behind his family's back?) and I pity his wife and children. No-one deserves to be lied to and that's what this shabby man is doing.

You should both be ashamed. Get a grip and find a conscience.

purpletoenails

gettingbackontrack wrote: »

You may not have set out to "randomly destroy anyone's lives" but you're doing it, aren;t you? Wilfully and deliberately without a thought but for your own interest. No, hence I posted on here

You have a very pious attitude towards your lover's wife. How so? You don't think it's your place to tell her about this affair but you DO think it's your place to screw her husband? It's not my place to tell her Oh but he's told you they're virtually separated no he hasn't, unhappy together so it must be true. He'd leave if it wasn't for the children.... the house... the oldest excuses in the book. You really can't be gormless enough to believe this. But i don't think you are. I think you're selfish and calculating. Why do you think this? What exactly am I gaining by being in this situation?

And when you're having your lovely days that you don't want to ruin by talking about whether this man who loves you so much will leave this allegedly unhappy home, has it occurred to you what lie he's told his wife so he can scuttle off to be with you? These children he loves so much? Which he does While you were wandering the sunshine, do you think what his wife is doing? Running his home, lookignafter his children, washing his socks - all while he's pulling down another woman's knickers. Hardly!

I don't know why i' bothering with this because I don't think you care at all. I think you're actually rather proud of what you're doing and that's why you posted on here. Not at all Which is very sad. I pity your children (do they know you're sleeping with a married man behind his family's back?) Please don't pity my children, it has nothing to do with them and I pity his wife and children. No-one deserves to be lied to and that's what this shabby man is doing.

You should both be ashamed. Get a grip and find a conscience.

I already have a conscience, and of course I care, if I didn't I wouldn't even be questioning what I'm doing

gettingbackontrack

purpletoenails wrote: »

I already have a conscience, and of course I care, if I didn't I wouldn't even be questioning what I'm doing

Really? I've yet to see you show one ounce of consideration for your lover's wife and children. He's lying to them all and that seems to be OK with you. Not a moment's concern as you happily jump into bed with this husband and father. Has it occurred to you how hurt they will be when they hear of this grubby affair? Oh no, it's nothing to do with you - I forgot.

I pity your children because I doubt you've told them you're sleeping with a married man. And have been doing for ages. While he lies and lies and lies and lies and lies to his childre. Good parents don't lie to their children so they can get their leg over when they feel like it. And your children may look up to you and when they find out the sordid truth they may wonder why their mother has so few morals and is so unthinking about other people's pain. When you break the hearts of your lover's children (don't fool yourself that this doesn't affect them because it does and it will), I suspect you'll disllusion your children too.

And if you can't see that your attitude to this woman is pious then heaven help you. You repeat "It's not my place to tell her" so I will repeat, yet you think it's your place to sleep with her husband. As I said, selfish and calculating.

cazziebo

purpletoenails wrote: »

I already have a conscience, and of course I care, if I didn't I wouldn't even be questioning what I'm doing

But you're still doing it! Questioning is easy. Musing on internet boards is easy. Taking action is the tough part.

Really, if someone really does love their children so much, they would treat the children's mother with more respect. And of course this has something to do with your children. You are your children's mother-they get their values from you. What are you teaching them about trust and honesty and integrity and loyalty?

Be honest with yourself. This is not a free man. He may not be happy, the relationship may break up whether you are involved or not, but you can choose not to be part of this mess. Or you can choose to be part of it. If you do choose to be the latter, don't try to kid yourself and others you have a conscience and you are the innocent party.