Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

janninew

euronorris wrote: »

Do you actually want a full time relationship? Maybe you prefer being able to retain a lot of free time to yourself, and retaining a lot of your space. In which case, you can get that from a guy who is single and wants the same.

Was there anything going on in your life at the time the affair started, which made you feel insecure/left you seeking comfort?

Unless you want to be in this position again, those are questions you should seriously ask yourself.

Also, I still think the best way to deal with this situation is to end it. Think about it, if he's never going to leave his wife, then you are free to move on and find someone else who makes you happy. But, if what he says to you is true, then he will leave his wife for you. If he really feels he can't do that to his kids yet, as they are too young, well tough. It isn't exactly fair to you to keep you hanging on, waiting and waiting is it? And it's definitely not fair on his wife and kids.

Either way, the current situation would be resolved and you can start moving forward with your life again instead of waiting, waiting, waiting.

In response to those saying the kids will be alright, they adjust easily, they've gone on to be functional adults etc etc. That's great, I don't think the majority of kids would end up in the gutter as a result of an affair, but I find it hard to believe that it doesn't have an adverse effect on how they view relationships (whether they realise it or not yet). I'm only going by my experience of friends who's parents were involved in affairs. They have HUGE trust issues, of course some of them will tell you they don't, but they really do.

I can honestly tell you I don't have HUGE trust issues. Maybe I should, my Dad left and had an affair and so did my first Husband! I'm re-married now with children and a perfectly normal women, with a healthy relationship. Maybe I do view relationship's differently and maybe I don't realise, but it doesn't effect me negatively at all. Plenty of things happen in childhood that taint and shape your views of relationships, its what makes us who we are and as long as we can function and build good relationships it doesn't really matter.

gettingbackontrack

Errata wrote: »

And the moon is made of blue cheese. You started this thread because you felt seeing your fancy man every now and then wasn't enough for you. You wanted more than that and your conscience played no part.

Quite.

This wasn't "THis is wrong" - it was "Is this working out for me?"

janninew

poet123 wrote: »

I suspect that given your family circumstances ( and through no fault of your own) you have become de sensitised to the real distaste most of us view adultery with, and that as it has become almost the norm in your family you do not view it as others do.

Hence, you can rationalise the pain for an end result. The ends do not always justify the means.

I don't think I've been de sensitised to adultery, I was truly heartbroken when my husband left me. I was under the Doctor for depressions, signed off work and became a recluse for nearly 6 months. Thinking back to this period upsets me because I was so desperate and lonely. But I did come to a point where I knew I had to pick myself up and start again. I don't agree with adultery and never believe it to be right. I probably have been able to rationalise it so that I can deal with it and move on. How we say we will act and how we will actually act when it happens to us are usually very different!

gettingbackontrack

janninew wrote: »

I was a bit concerned when I wrote it that I was saying its OK to have an affair, people get over it, but that wasn't how I wanted to come across (and hope I haven't!)]

Yes, it does seem like that.

[Don't let a selfish persons actions determine the rest of your live.

I do agree with this but it isn't a Get Out Of Jail Free card for the OP and her lying lover to carry on with the deceit because "they'll get over it".

gettingbackontrack

poet123 wrote: »

I suspect that given your family circumstances ( and through no fault of your own) you have become de sensitised to the real distaste most of us view adultery with, and that as it has become almost the norm in your family you do not view it as others do.

Hence, you can rationalise the pain for an end result. The ends do not always justify the means.

I'm sorry to say I agree with this. The "they'll get over" argument is an excuse used by selfish people to justify their activities.

An affair is ALWAYS wrong. If a marriage is failing (that old chestnut - my wife doesn't understand me...can't give what I want.... they'er all there), sort it out, become single then go looking.

Dishonesty is nothing to be proud of.

1echidna

It wasn't that long ago that divorce was 'wrong' under any circumstances. Times move on and in many fields of life 'non standard' behaviour such as infedility can be the best of a bad lot and in my view acceptable as is divorce today, although best avoided if possible.

newcook

euronorris wrote: »

In response to those saying the kids will be alright, they adjust easily, they've gone on to be functional adults etc etc. That's great, I don't think the majority of kids would end up in the gutter as a result of an affair, but I find it hard to believe that it doesn't have an adverse effect on how they view relationships (whether they realise it or not yet). I'm only going by my experience of friends who's parents were involved in affairs. They have HUGE trust issues, of course some of them will tell you they don't, but they really do.

I too can say hand on heart I have no trust issues! My parents divorced many years ago because my dad met and fell in love with someone and decided to be with her – they actually ended up getting married!

However, after 3 months of them being married it turned out my dad had been having an affair with her best mate…
They got divorced, the woman who was having an affair got divorced from her husband and my dad and this woman got married… however…

She ended up going off with an old friend of hers (he had a fair bit of money) so she divorced my dad and married him, then when he died a few years back she got back in touch with my dad who went running (as she had inherited the money) and the pair of them have a love/hate alcoholic relationship – they cant live together but they cant live apart and they are each others drinking buddys.

If anyone was to have trust issues, I would probably be a prime candidate! If anything, I am the opposite and perhaps too trusting – mainly because I trust that @rseholes like my dad are few and far between!

janninew

gettingbackontrack wrote: »

I do agree with this but it isn't a Get Out Of Jail Free card for the OP and her lying lover to carry on with the deceit because "they'll get over it".

I'm certainly not trying to give the OP a get out of jail free card and have said adultery is always wrong. My point I was trying to make was how my life wasn't adversely affected by my Dad leaving us after having an affair. It was just my story and how my life turned out.

I'm sorry you seem to think I meant its ok that people have affairs as people can get over it, that's not what I meant at all.

xxxxhelpxxxx

How can an affair possibly have a happy ending?

My mother had affairs when I was growing up. My parents eventually divorced when I was 15 and screw*d me over for life because of it. My husband had an affair, got a woman pregnant and we are now trying to deal with that. It will ultimately lead to the breaking up of our family.

Having an affair with someone else's husband or wife is selfish, irresponsible and downright disrespectful to everyone concerned.

The other person should at least have the decency to either end it with their partner. If an affair is going on, there are other problems in the marriage that need to be sorted out. Communication is key (as I have found out too late).

My life has been turned upside down, my children's lives will be turned upside down when they are told and all our extended family now have to deal with the fact that there is another child on the way as well.

People who have affairs disgust me!!!!

gettingbackontrack

xxxxhelpxxxx wrote: »

How can an affair possibly have a happy ending?

My mother had affairs when I was growing up. My parents eventually divorced when I was 15 and screw*d me over for life because of it. My husband had an affair, got a woman pregnant and we are now trying to deal with that. It will ultimately lead to the breaking up of our family.

Having an affair with someone else's husband or wife is selfish, irresponsible and downright disrespectful to everyone concerned.

The other person should at least have the decency to either end it with their partner. If an affair is going on, there are other problems in the marriage that need to be sorted out. Communication is key (as I have found out too late).

My life has been turned upside down, my children's lives will be turned upside down when they are told and all our extended family now have to deal with the fact that there is another child on the way as well.

People who have affairs disgust me!!!!

xxxxhelpxxxx, I've read your thread and am aamzed how you're keeping going through all the rubbish that you're being served up by people who should respect and love you. Your wise - and heartfelt - words are a good counterpoint to the "adultery is OK cos it makes me happy" posters who think the ends and their own personal happiness justifes them ruining other people's lives. I feel for you - and I admire you. You deserve better.