Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

moodydonkey

My ex husband had an affair. It worked out for the best. They have a son and are now married. Our girls and i are happy. There were horrible times and everyone suffered but it was for the best. I don't blame him for having an affair because when he did I was a rubbish wife and didn't love him anymore but never had the guts to end it. He met someone that made him happy then and she stil does now.
I've followed this thread with interest, such an emotive subject.

purpletoenails

Lotus-eater wrote: »

It doesn't matter what the crowd think, you seem to be an intelligent reasonable woman. Once you manage to pull out of the gravitational pull of this encounter with this bloke, you know the real answer.

The real answer is, your kids won't be happy once they know what's been going on and they will find out.
His kids will never be happy with you both.
He will never be truly happy, because his kids won't like it.
You will never be truly happy because the discord won't allow it.
His wife will probably cause you problems and who can blame her.

And that's in roughly the best circumstances. It could be alot worse, but it can't be much better.

You don't seem to want to know and I'm surprised you started this thread in the first place tbh, I've known people like you (very close) and I've been the bloke you are meeting and it almost never works out. Maybe 5 in a hundred, but they all think they are different. Mankind's Achilles heel.

Funnily enough (and I'm sure this will surprise a few of the more vocal posters on here) I don't have any previous experience of being the 'other woman' and genuinely was interested in how things had worked out for others in my situation. I suppose I thought on an anonymous internet forum that there would more wide ranging views.

The question wasn't really about whether an affair is right or wrong - of course it's wrong. However the fact remains that I am having an affair with a married man, although it happened more by accident than by design, but it's still happened.

Pollycat

purpletoenails wrote: »

I will be taking action very soon - the questioning and musing is helping the process

You might find that you'll not be the one taking action.

Your friend may decide that he really wants to stay with his wife and children, thereby pre-empting any action on your part.

janninew

There seems to be some really bitter people on here who are obviously still hurt from an affair possibly. I don't think having an affair or sleeping with a married man/women is ever right (my ex did this to me, it worked out well in the end, but caused a lot of hurt and upset). However I don't feel its right to question this poster's capabilities as a mother though. She has grown up children, having an affair has nothing to do, in my opinion, with her being a Mother. It really seems to me that some poster think they will be causing her a lot of hurt saying these things and that doesn't sit right with me.

Errata

purpletoenails wrote: »

I already have a conscience, and of course I care, if I didn't I wouldn't even be questioning what I'm doing

And the moon is made of blue cheese. You started this thread because you felt seeing your fancy man every now and then wasn't enough for you. You wanted more than that and your conscience played no part.

janninew

As for some posters saying his/her children may never forgive them, possibly or as in my case you do, they are your parents, you move on. Nearly every man in my family has cheated on their partners (Dad, Grandad, Brother, Ex Husband) My Dad left my Mum when I was 10 years old, she had just given birth to my younger brother 10 days earlier when he walked out to move to Scotland to live with he new girlfriend. It took me around 6 months to want to see him again, but eventually we built our relationship back up and now I can honestly say we are very close.

It was a despicable thing to do to my Mum, especially so soon after giving birth, but I was a 10 year old girl who loved her Daddy and still wanted to be with him. I've not turned out messed up because of what happened, children can go on to lead perfectly normal lives after separation and affairs, they are often more adaptable than adults. It probably did help that my Mum never slagged him off in front of me and never stopped me from calling/seeing him when I wanted. As an adult now I can appreciate how hard that must have been for her.

Affairs can cause so much hurt and pain, but in my case things did work out ok and my relationship with both parents is fantastic. My Dad is now married to the women he left my mum for and they have 2 children of their own.

nickyhutch

janninew wrote: »

As for some posters saying his/her children may never forgive them, possibly or as in my case you do, they are your parents, you move on. Nearly every man in my family has cheated on their partners (Dad, Grandad, Brother, Ex Husband) My Dad left my Mum when I was 10 years old, she had just given birth to my younger brother 10 days earlier when he walked out to move to Scotland to live with he new girlfriend. It took me around 6 months to want to see him again, but eventually we built our relationship back up and now I can honestly say we are very close.

It was a despicable thing to do to my Mum, especially so soon after giving birth, but I was a 10 year old girl who loved her Daddy and still wanted to be with him. I've not turned out messed up because of what happened, children can go on to lead perfectly normal lives after separation and affairs, they are often more adaptable than adults. It probably did help that my Mum never slagged him off in front of me and never stopped me from calling/seeing him when I wanted. As an adult now I can appreciate how hard that must have been for her.

Affairs can cause so much hurt and pain, but in my case things did work out ok and my relationship with both parents is fantastic. My Dad is now married to the women he left my mum for and they have 2 children of their own.

I could thank you 100 times for that post.

euronorris

purpletoenails wrote: »

I've never once tried to pretend I'm innocent - clearly I'm not. However, I would still like to know what you think I am gaining from being in this situation?

Do you actually want a full time relationship? Maybe you prefer being able to retain a lot of free time to yourself, and retaining a lot of your space. In which case, you can get that from a guy who is single and wants the same.

Was there anything going on in your life at the time the affair started, which made you feel insecure/left you seeking comfort?

Unless you want to be in this position again, those are questions you should seriously ask yourself.

Also, I still think the best way to deal with this situation is to end it. Think about it, if he's never going to leave his wife, then you are free to move on and find someone else who makes you happy. But, if what he says to you is true, then he will leave his wife for you. If he really feels he can't do that to his kids yet, as they are too young, well tough. It isn't exactly fair to you to keep you hanging on, waiting and waiting is it? And it's definitely not fair on his wife and kids.

Either way, the current situation would be resolved and you can start moving forward with your life again instead of waiting, waiting, waiting.

In response to those saying the kids will be alright, they adjust easily, they've gone on to be functional adults etc etc. That's great, I don't think the majority of kids would end up in the gutter as a result of an affair, but I find it hard to believe that it doesn't have an adverse effect on how they view relationships (whether they realise it or not yet). I'm only going by my experience of friends who's parents were involved in affairs. They have HUGE trust issues, of course some of them will tell you they don't, but they really do.

janninew

nickyhutch wrote: »

I could thank you 100 times for that post.

I was a bit concerned when I wrote it that I was saying its OK to have an affair, people get over it, but that wasn't how I wanted to come across (and hope I haven't!)

I remember when my ex left me and told me he had been having an affair, the hurt and pain was horrendous, I would sit for hours on the sofa crying, not eating, losing 2 stone in weight, was a truly awful time for me and my family. But now 5 years later I can honestly say I'm over it completely, I hardly give him a second thought. I also don't hate him or wish him bad. I can see now that our marriage was failing and I did nothing to put it right, of course he shouldn't have had an affair, but he did, he made a stupid, hurtful mistake and hurt me very badly, but he's human and I certainly would never let it ruin the rest of my life and stop me trusting others.

There is nothing worse than a women or man who has been cheated on who is totally consumed by it for the rest of their lives. My Nan is a prime example, her husband cheated and left her and 11 years later she is still as bitter as if it happened yesterday, it is all she can talk about and she makes herself ill chuntering about it constantly. I feel so sorry for her as she can't see past it, can't forgive him and does actually hate him. I could have gone the same way and let my ex's affair consume me, but you have to pick yourself up and get back out their. Don't let a selfish persons actions determine the rest of your live.

poet123

janninew wrote: »

As for some posters saying his/her children may never forgive them, possibly or as in my case you do, they are your parents, you move on. Nearly every man in my family has cheated on their partners (Dad, Grandad, Brother, Ex Husband) My Dad left my Mum when I was 10 years old, she had just given birth to my younger brother 10 days earlier when he walked out to move to Scotland to live with he new girlfriend. It took me around 6 months to want to see him again, but eventually we built our relationship back up and now I can honestly say we are very close.

It was a despicable thing to do to my Mum, especially so soon after giving birth, but I was a 10 year old girl who loved her Daddy and still wanted to be with him. I've not turned out messed up because of what happened, children can go on to lead perfectly normal lives after separation and affairs, they are often more adaptable than adults. It probably did help that my Mum never slagged him off in front of me and never stopped me from calling/seeing him when I wanted. As an adult now I can appreciate how hard that must have been for her.

Affairs can cause so much hurt and pain, but in my case things did work out ok and my relationship with both parents is fantastic. My Dad is now married to the women he left my mum for and they have 2 children of their own.

I suspect that given your family circumstances ( and through no fault of your own) you have become de sensitised to the real distaste most of us view adultery with, and that as it has become almost the norm in your family you do not view it as others do.

Hence, you can rationalise the pain for an end result. The ends do not always justify the means.