Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

Lilacblue

clearingout wrote: »

I think that's a rose-tinted spectacles response. I am not sure I will ever be glad my ex had an affair and left me. I may well find my prince charming somewhere along the way and be happy within a new relationship. But I'm not sure it's possible to be 'happy' about what my ex did to me, the way he did it, the names I was called, the abuse he threw at me, the abuse the children witnessed, his attempts to ruining me financially and trying to make me homeless. I can put it aside, yes. I can rationalise it as the behaviour of someone who was as equally frightened for his future as I was and was, in a mis-guided kind of way -fighting for what he believed was right. But be happy about it? Make it into a happy ending? I don't see it!

When you realise your life as you know it is a total sham, that you have been lied to, that you were gullible, that at least two people enjoyed lying to you and were probably laughing at your stupidity behind your back....it changes you. I would say that before this I was a trusting person, that I sought to see the good in people generally, that I waited to be proven wrong rather than assuming someone was 'bad' or doing something 'bad'. I am not sure I will ever really trust anyone again. And that is potentially a problem in new relationships.

My ex's betrayal has left an enormous scar on my life - and it's healing, slowly. Sometimes it really, really itches and it upsets me 'cos although it represents a part of my life that I have dealt with (very well, I believe!) and is a part of me and my experiences and everything which makes me who I am today, it's a scar I'd rather not have. I'm not proud of it. I don't look at it and think 'yeah! I survived! go me!'. I just feel incredibly sad and miserable for my children that they come from a broken home. So many people say they are 'glad' that at least their children came out of their marriage but I don't feel like that - my ex was having an affair from not long after our first child was born which means I had two more children with him unnecessarily. If he'd done the decent thing and left then, I'd have had a chance of happiness and more children with someone who loved and respected me. As a result of my age, I won't be having more children and I find that dreadfully upsetting for my future - that I can't have children with any new love in my life. lI feel robbed of a real, loving and stable family life for me, let alone my children.

My ex and his girlfriend may well have a happy ending as a result of their affair. But I won't, and neither will 3 children.

Beautifully put. Good luck for a rosy and happy future, clearingout x

purpletoenails

Money_maker wrote: »

I couldn't help noticing that the OP doesn't seem to know much about the life of her 'OH'. There's no discussion about the wife or home and probably no mention about either when they meet. No questions from the OP about where his wife may think he is - perhaps she is happy not to want to know any information about his current partner. This would mean that all conversation and discussion would not be about their current lives or indeed plans for the future. Forgive me for asking but what on earth do you talk about?

We talk about anything and everything, in fact we rarely stop talking when we are together. I do know about his home life, I just don't pump him for information about it - if he wants to talk to me about it that's fine, if he doesn't then that's fine also.

Errata

purpletoenails wrote: »

We talk about anything and everything, in fact we rarely stop talking when we are together. I do know about his home life, I just don't pump him for information about it - if he wants to talk to me about it that's fine, if he doesn't then that's fine also.

You know what he chooses to tell you, which could be a tissue of lies for all you know.

dianetheartist

Im reading a book at the moment called Getting Rid Of Matthew by Jane Fallon--its about a mistress of a married man--he eventualy leaves his wife for his much younger mistress--and when he does the mistress(who has never spent a whole night with him--just stolen moments really) realises that he isnt what she thought-and she hates the way he does everything--including breathing lol!:rotfl: Ive only read 12 chapters so far but would recommend that the OP gets a copy and has a read of it. Its well written and funny-but will ring a few bells I think.

nickyhutch

dianetheartist wrote: »

Im reading a book at the moment called Getting Rid Of Matthew by Jane Fallon--its about a mistress of a married man--he eventualy leaves his wife for his much younger mistress--and when he does the mistress(who has never spent a whole night with him--just stolen moments really) realises that he isnt what she thought-and she hates the way he does everything--including breathing lol!:rotfl: Ive only read 12 chapters so far but would recommend that the OP gets a copy and has a read of it. Its well written and funny-but will ring a few bells I think.

That's a very good book and well worth a read. I gave it to OH to read too.

I think I had just one overnight with OH in our 11 month affair, and one evening out in a pub, so I guess we're lucky that it has worked out because we didn't do "couply" stuff.

Lunar_Eclipse

nickyhutch wrote: »

As above. I see in grey, not black and white. I don't think they are "normal behaviour" either, just that people don't deserve to be universally condemned by strangers and society as a whole for having a failing marriage. I think it's worse to stay in a sham of a marriage (which happens) rather than get out and be happy. Yes, ideally, we should get out of the marriage before we have an affair, but this isn't an ideal world, and most people are less than perfect (thank God.).

Thank you. The English lesson was an added bonus.;)

I was being kind using the term normal behaviour, because if I hadn't I knew that someone would probably comment about the frequency of infidelity and thus affairs being normal behaviour by default.

I have honestly never known anyone condemn another person for a failing marriage (which isn't the point I raised.) There no shame whatsoever in relationships not working out. People are not perfect and life is not ideal as you correctly pointed out. We all know that. I just also always assumed that people know affairs are wrong, but you have given me different signals.

I can totally understand how those in unhappy marriages find comfort in someone else and also the attraction of other people even for those who always thought they were happily married. It doesn't make any difference though. It's an aside to whether affairs are right or wrong. It was quite simply that it never occurred to me that there were people who didn't believe affairs were plain and simply wrong.

Perhaps it's like murder? Society as a whole dictates that murder is wrong by the fact that it is illegal and there are serious consequences for those committing it. Yet maybe some people believe it depends on the circumstances.

I also see a lot of things in grey. I thought this was a black and white subject though. :rotfl:

To be honest, this post hasn't helped the OP and I'm sorry for the judgmental nature of it, which isn't my intention at all. A lot of the recent comments have gone down this path and I'm really curious to understand how someone appears not to believe affairs are wrong.

nickyhutch

Once again with feeling - I believe affairs are inherently wrong, but that circumstances sometimes mean that they happen, and that a person shouldn't be vilified by stranges and society in general without them knowing the full facts about what's gone on with in the relationship.

And yes, I believe murder is wrong, but if someone was trying to kill me, and the only way I could stop them was to murder them, then yes I would.

hayley11

I had an affair, left my then partner a few months after starting the affair. I am now very happily married to the person I had the affair with. So yes, they can have a happy ending.

tinktinktinkerbell

he doesnt love you, if he did you wouldnt be his bit on the side

i have no respect for home wreckers and horrible women who go with other peopled blokes

i had a friend who was with a engaged man, shes now engaged to him and i really hope he gives her a dose of her own medicine

soccermom

I have no doubt that some affairs can result in happy endings for the 2 involved in the affair but it's the collateral damage that is the problem when affairs don't turn out the way the cheaters intended.

My dad had an affair 20+ years ago, which I unfortunately got in the middle off at the age of about 19/20. I answered the phone to the other woman not realising who it was, my dad said it was something to do with his insurance for his overseas job. I innocently mentioned the phone call to mum when she got in and the !!!! hit the fan and it all came out not really sure how.

Since that day my mum took it out on me tried to hurt me at every opportunity, but in the end stayed with my dad, my dad said he had too much too lose (Financially no menion of the word love)

Roll on 20 years believe it or not my mum and dad want nothing to do with me all because I took that phone call from the other woman. my 3 kids have only birthday contact with their grandparents. My dad says its his perogative not to have a relationship with them.

Not quite sure why I ended up with the blame yet for mum to stand by dad.

It all came to a head last year while in Spain with my youngest son they kicked us out of their home in the hills of Spain after they had another go at me.

The hurt never really goes away, the damage done to 3rd parties is sometimes never forgotten and can last a life time.

Is it really worth it?