Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

CH27

nickyhutch wrote: »

You don't remember correctly - I said about a page ago that he has them here every other weekend and sees them once a week on top of that. There are no clouds in our relationship, other than being permanently skint.

I'm sorry. I've read so much i'm confuddled.

Person_one

nickyhutch wrote: »

It's not as black and white as that. It's gradual. I didn't think "oooh, I fancy an affair" then go off and look for a married man. It started as a fling and I was more inclined to carry it on because I thought nothing would come of it, rather than thinking "oooh I want him to leave his wife for me so I'll carry on".

Yes, it's selfish. Say it as much as you like - I know it is.

We obviously have very different views on relationships and aren't going to see each other's points of view.

I don't even want to see your point of view, I want to be as far away from your point of view as I can get. You acknowledge the selfishness with no acknowledgement at all that such selfishness is a bad thing!

Sorry, that most recent justification has left me utterly disgusted. I think I'd better stop clicking on this thread.

I hope the OP does the right thing for everyone involved in that sorry mess.

nickyhutch

Person_one wrote: »

I don't even want to see your point of view, I want to be as far away from your point of view as I can get. You acknowledge the selfishness with no acknowledgement at all that such selfishness is a bad thing! Nowhere did I say "selfishness is not a bad thing" or similar. It's human, a failing, and in this instance I failed.

Sorry, that most recent justification has left me utterly disgusted. I think I'd better stop clicking on this thread.

I hope the OP does the right thing for everyone involved in that sorry mess.

That's a shame. You obviously have very strong opinions that I think are very valid on a thread like this. I'm sorry if I've disgusted you and can't really politely phrase what I'm thinking in response to that, so will leave it there.

londoner1998

purpletoenails wrote: »

I am certainly getting lots of opinions thats for sure.

Londoner, I wonder if things had turned out differently for you and your lover had left his wife for you, would your opinion be different?

I can only speculate (sp?) about that...but I doubt it. He had done it before and I am sure he has done it again. What I learnt is that we don't know these people at all, because the whole relationship is based on a lie. And you know, i saw a side of him that scared me and disgusted me...and I disgusted myself for allowing the situation to reach that point and being treated like a dirty cloth towards the end. I found out that he had been with yet another woman (whom I knew, she was part of his group of friends) and he got off on the fact that he could be playing three women who didn't know about each other at the time. The fact that his fiance was away most of the time allowed him to do this. But no, I don't think my opinion would be different. If a man (or woman) says he loves you and wants to be with you, then he shouls follow up with his actions.I know some do and i salute them for it, but it would be even better if they coudl leave their wives before they start lying.

With hindsight I doubt that even if he had left his fiance at the time we woudl be together now or woudl have lasted long, because life's twists and turns tests relationships to the limit . My oh and I have gone through pretty rough times (the hardest for me losing my father, plus his ex from hell and the shenaningans with his teenage daughter) and he has shown the man he is by sticking to our relationship through thick and thin. He (the ex that cheated on jis fiance wiyh me) created a lot of pain not only to me, but also to her, as I learnt afterwards and you know what... he didn't have to.

Don't let anyone make you feel like such an idiot. Make your decision and tell him... he can then show you how much your relationship means to him. Good luck

londoner1998

Person_one wrote: »

I don't even want to see your point of view, I want to be as far away from your point of view as I can get. You acknowledge the selfishness with no acknowledgement at all that such selfishness is a bad thing!

Sorry, that most recent justification has left me utterly disgusted. I think I'd better stop clicking on this thread.

I hope the OP does the right thing for everyone involved in that sorry mess.

Ditto. Not quite sure why you carry on with this and who are you trying to persuade of your point of view.

clearingout

nickyhutch wrote: »

WHere did I say it's a good thing to do? The original question was whether an affair can have a happy ending - and sometimes, yes they do.

I think that's a rose-tinted spectacles response. I am not sure I will ever be glad my ex had an affair and left me. I may well find my prince charming somewhere along the way and be happy within a new relationship. But I'm not sure it's possible to be 'happy' about what my ex did to me, the way he did it, the names I was called, the abuse he threw at me, the abuse the children witnessed, his attempts to ruining me financially and trying to make me homeless. I can put it aside, yes. I can rationalise it as the behaviour of someone who was as equally frightened for his future as I was and was, in a mis-guided kind of way -fighting for what he believed was right. But be happy about it? Make it into a happy ending? I don't see it!

When you realise your life as you know it is a total sham, that you have been lied to, that you were gullible, that at least two people enjoyed lying to you and were probably laughing at your stupidity behind your back....it changes you. I would say that before this I was a trusting person, that I sought to see the good in people generally, that I waited to be proven wrong rather than assuming someone was 'bad' or doing something 'bad'. I am not sure I will ever really trust anyone again. And that is potentially a problem in new relationships.

My ex's betrayal has left an enormous scar on my life - and it's healing, slowly. Sometimes it really, really itches and it upsets me 'cos although it represents a part of my life that I have dealt with (very well, I believe!) and is a part of me and my experiences and everything which makes me who I am today, it's a scar I'd rather not have. I'm not proud of it. I don't look at it and think 'yeah! I survived! go me!'. I just feel incredibly sad and miserable for my children that they come from a broken home. So many people say they are 'glad' that at least their children came out of their marriage but I don't feel like that - my ex was having an affair from not long after our first child was born which means I had two more children with him unnecessarily. If he'd done the decent thing and left then, I'd have had a chance of happiness and more children with someone who loved and respected me. As a result of my age, I won't be having more children and I find that dreadfully upsetting for my future - that I can't have children with any new love in my life. lI feel robbed of a real, loving and stable family life for me, let alone my children.

My ex and his girlfriend may well have a happy ending as a result of their affair. But I won't, and neither will 3 children.

nickyhutch

clearingout wrote: »

I think that's a rose-tinted spectacles response. it's not - some people can come out of an affair happily - some don't. I am not sure I will ever be glad my ex had an affair and left me. I may well find my prince charming somewhere along the way and be happy within a new relationship. But I'm not sure it's possible to be 'happy' about what my ex did to me, the way he did it, the names I was called, the abuse he threw at me, the abuse the children witnessed, his attempts to ruining me financially and trying to make me homeless. these are not necessarily the result of an affair - they are more the result of your ex being a cruel and nasty git, by the sounds of it. Anyone who has an affair and leaves should, in my opinion, do the decent thing and leave the ex in as good a financial position as possiblem and not resort to the abuse you describe, and certainly not expose the children to it. I can put it aside, yes. I can rationalise it as the behaviour of someone who was as equally frightened for his future as I was and was, in a mis-guided kind of way -fighting for what he believed was right. But be happy about it? Make it into a happy ending? I don't see it!

When you realise your life as you know it is a total sham, that you have been lied to, that you were gullible, that at least two people enjoyed lying to you and were probably laughing at your stupidity behind your back....it changes you. I would say that before this I was a trusting person, that I sought to see the good in people generally, that I waited to be proven wrong rather than assuming someone was 'bad' or doing something 'bad'. I am not sure I will ever really trust anyone again. And that is potentially a problem in new relationships.

My ex's betrayal has left an enormous scar on my life - and it's healing, slowly. Sometimes it really, really itches and it upsets me 'cos although it represents a part of my life that I have dealt with (very well, I believe!) and is a part of me and my experiences and everything which makes me who I am today, it's a scar I'd rather not have. I'm not proud of it. I don't look at it and think 'yeah! I survived! go me!'. I just feel incredibly sad and miserable for my children that they come from a broken home. So many people say they are 'glad' that at least their children came out of their marriage but I don't feel like that - my ex was having an affair from not long after our first child was born which means I had two more children with him unnecessarily. If he'd done the decent thing and left then, I'd have had a chance of happiness and more children with someone who loved and respected me. As a result of my age, I won't be having more children and I find that dreadfully upsetting for my future - that I can't have children with any new love in my life. lI feel robbed of a real, loving and stable family life for me, let alone my children. You CAN have that - I have that with my OH and DS (who isn't OH's son - he's from my previous marriage). We have a very stable family life. DS has a great relationship with OH AND his Dad.

My ex and his girlfriend may well have a happy ending as a result of their affair. But I won't, and neither will 3 children.

Children from "broken homes" aren't necessarily broken children. My DS is an A* kid, and I'm biased, but he's a wonderful person. He's in sixth form, has a job, is going to University, has great friends etc. etc. etc... I have a sister and 3 brothers as a result of my parents separating, and we're all fine, honestly. More than fine. Happy, well-adjusted, all working, some owning businesses, one headhunted for a fabulous job, all in happy, good relationships, most of us with great, happy kids. Don't just expect your kids to be doomed just because they're from a "broken home". We don't all end up slappers and homewreckers like me.

Money_maker

Just a few comments I wish to make, have not read everyones replies although have read all the OP's posts. Not wanting to get involved with the bickering going on here as I see no justification whatsoever for an affair. If the marriage is dead then leave. End of.

Mind you, I tend to be a little black and white in my thinking.

I couldn't help noticing that the OP doesn't seem to know much about the life of her 'OH'. There's no discussion about the wife or home and probably no mention about either when they meet. No questions from the OP about where his wife may think he is - perhaps she is happy not to want to know any information about his current partner. This would mean that all conversation and discussion would not be about their current lives or indeed plans for the future. Forgive me for asking but what on earth do you talk about?

Seems to me that they wrap up inside a little cocoon with just the two of them and no past/no future. He is not going to leave his wife. Apart from physically there does not appear to be a meeting of the souls where all is laid bare. It's merely an affair going nowhere where he is the only winner for as long as he can keep his mistress hanging on. The wife - she deserves better than this, so much better regardless of the circumstances. The mistress - if she is happy with sloppy seconds then so be it but sometimes the fantasy is much better than the reality. The husband - how would you ever trust him?

Good luck, OP, I feel you have answered posts with dignity and calmness but your lack of knowing what is happening in the rest of his life makes me wonder if you do indeed really know this man.

londoner1998

clearingout wrote: »

I think that's a rose-tinted spectacles response. I am not sure I will ever be glad my ex had an affair and left me. I may well find my prince charming somewhere along the way and be happy within a new relationship. But I'm not sure it's possible to be 'happy' about what my ex did to me, the way he did it, the names I was called, the abuse he threw at me, the abuse the children witnessed, his attempts to ruining me financially and trying to make me homeless. I can put it aside, yes. I can rationalise it as the behaviour of someone who was as equally frightened for his future as I was and was, in a mis-guided kind of way -fighting for what he believed was right. But be happy about it? Make it into a happy ending? I don't see it!

When you realise your life as you know it is a total sham, that you have been lied to, that you were gullible, that at least two people enjoyed lying to you and were probably laughing at your stupidity behind your back....it changes you. I would say that before this I was a trusting person, that I sought to see the good in people generally, that I waited to be proven wrong rather than assuming someone was 'bad' or doing something 'bad'. I am not sure I will ever really trust anyone again. And that is potentially a problem in new relationships.

My ex's betrayal has left an enormous scar on my life - and it's healing, slowly. Sometimes it really, really itches and it upsets me 'cos although it represents a part of my life that I have dealt with (very well, I believe!) and is a part of me and my experiences and everything which makes me who I am today, it's a scar I'd rather not have. I'm not proud of it. I don't look at it and think 'yeah! I survived! go me!'. I just feel incredibly sad and miserable for my children that they come from a broken home. So many people say they are 'glad' that at least their children came out of their marriage but I don't feel like that - my ex was having an affair from not long after our first child was born which means I had two more children with him unnecessarily. If he'd done the decent thing and left then, I'd have had a chance of happiness and more children with someone who loved and respected me. As a result of my age, I won't be having more children and I find that dreadfully upsetting for my future - that I can't have children with any new love in my life. lI feel robbed of a real, loving and stable family life for me, let alone my children.

My ex and his girlfriend may well have a happy ending as a result of their affair. But I won't, and neither will 3 children.

This is, sadly, a perfect example of the far-reaching consequences of affairs. The fact that someone can imply that anyone can be happy to have been lied to, it not only patronising, I find it almost insulting. Yes, we can deal with it in a dignified, positive way and extract valuable lessons for the future. But we are not stupid enough to think that we are gald it actually happened. I was the OW, but I was lied to for a reasonable period of time, so I ended up being torn to pieces as well. I had the chance to leave the relationship once I knew but I didn't and I regretted it . Not just for all the pain that it brought me (unbearable), but for the wasted time and the pain that it created to his fiance as well: someone who, for all I knew, had done nothing to deserve being lied to. Sure enough I was soon replaced in his affections when I started to make demands and say no when he demanded seeing me as and when he wanted. I wish I had never seen the person he really was, because as Clearingout, I took me an awful amount of time to trust people again and it did change me in a way that I really did not want. It also created a lof of worry for my dad and my flatmate and best friend (who knew of the affair). The day we parted was the day I started to know myself. With him , I was a puppet on a string and I had never been like that.

I would advise the OP to just let it go.

londoner1998

purpletoenails wrote: »

It used to be okay but I hate it now. Not jealous, just feel lonely at times. I suppose thats what brought me to the point I'm at now.

Oh, Purple.. nobody should feel lonely in a relationship. YOu deserve better than this (sorry, I have skimmed some posts but I am reading yours).

I really think you already have the answer you are looking for.