Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

poet123

nickyhutch wrote: »

Being selfish is just something that most people (bar perfect people of course) are at some point in their lives.

By the by, why do you see being weak something to criticise? It's just what some people are. Would you call a woman who is beaten by her husband but wont leave "weak"? Would you call an alcoholic "weak"? someone who want stand up to a bully? It's not a sin to be weak.

You can't equate weakness of the will to physical or emotional weakness.

It is weak to put yourself first in this kind of situation, where your actions impact the innocent party. It may be harder to do the right thing, and for all the excuses and self serving thoughts we have, most of us know deep down what is right.

nickyhutch

clearingout wrote: »

two wrongs don't make a right, to quote a cliche!

You are right, you are of course responsible for your own actions and ultimately, your own happiness. The other woman in my situation owes me nothing. I do actually accept that.

But what YOU have to accept, as a person who was 'happy' to cheat and be involved in the breakdown of a marriage, is that for some of us, that is heart breaking experience, it is utterly, utterly humilliating. It is the worst pain you can possibly imagine, magnified a hundred times over with cream and cherries on the top. Realising you have been betrayed, that some of your friends and people you believed to be your family were involved (in some cases), that you were the last to know, that the other person is now taking your place at summer bbqs and your former friends and accquaintances probably think he/she is quite a nice person. It is everything you ever were, wanted and needed dumped at the side of a road and driven over by 1000 tractors to make sure it is totally dead.

Some people, dust themselves off and 'get over it' quickly. Most of us have medium term issues with it but recognise we're better off, that things weren't what we though they were and we deserve better. Others never get over it - I have two good friends entering their old age who, after 30 years plus of marriage have had to endure the loss of everything whilst their husbands prance about with women 30 years their junior. They don't get to grow old with the person they loved, in the home they had raised their children in. Many of us are left in poverty, dependent on the welfare state to feed and clothe our children whilst our ex's go scott free, holidaying 4 times a year in the sun.

As someone who has had an affair, you MUST take responsiblity, surely, for acknowledging your selfishness at pursusing your dreams over someone else's? Affairs don't always happen because relationships are unhappy, they happen because people get sucked in, because the sneaking about is addictive and exciting, because sleeping with someone new after 2, 5, 10 or 30 years offers something a bit different.

I accept it completely (saw everything you describe happen to my Mum and me and my sister) and of course I agree there is some degree of selfishness in it.

Of course two wrongs don't make a right, but the fact that she was out every weekend knocking half her home town off did mean she wasn't heartbroken and distraught.

Person_one

nickyhutch wrote: »

*sigh*

I DON'T go through life with a complete disregard for other people's feelings. You'd be surprised - but I don't need to justify myself to you. Can you not accept that some people have different opinions/feelings than you?

Of course I can, I can still believe them to be wrong, no grey area no 'matter of opinion', just plain wrong. Some things still are!

nickyhutch

poet123 wrote: »

You can't equate weakness of the will to physical or emotional weakness.

It is weak to put yourself first in this kind of situation, where your actions impact the innocent party. It may be harder to do the right thing, and for all the excuses and self serving thoughts we have, most of us know deep down what is right.

Most of us? The number of affairs/flings/one night stands that go on make me beg to differ.

nickyhutch

Person_one wrote: »

Of course I can, I can still believe them to be wrong, no grey area no 'matter of opinion', just plain wrong. Some things still are!

YOU think that, and others don't. We're going round in circles just stating opinion, now. I've said my piece

Person_one

nickyhutch wrote: »

YOU think that, and others don't. We're going round in circles just stating opinion, now. I've said my piece

You have, and its a shame because I've usually respected your opinions on this forum.

nickyhutch

Person_one wrote: »

You have, and its a shame because I've usually respected your opinions on this forum.

Thank you, but it's a shame you can't continue to do so just because you don't agree with this one. Does my having had an affair mean that I can't have a valid or fair view on other matters?

poet123

nickyhutch wrote: »

Most of us? The number of affairs/flings/one night stands that go on make me beg to differ.

The fact that a lot of people do it doesn't mean that deep down they think it is right. We can fool others into thinking we have rationalised the choices we make, but we can't really fool ourselves.

By saying it was justified because of xyz is sinking to their level and is simply a salve to the conscience.

londoner1998

nickyhutch wrote: »

So when I'm walking round a city centre and see homeless people begging, should I not give them money, because I'm contributing to harmful or destructive behaviour (alcohol and drugs)?

I never give them money because no, I don't know where it will go- but i will share my food with them or buy a cup of tea if they want. But that is by the by, you can't compare a homeless person to a situation where you knowgingly are hurting, lying and deceiving and/or contributing to someone else do it (as they said before, if you don't know, of course it doesn't apply, you are a victim as much as the perosn being lied to)

You are entitled to your opinion, but to make statements like that you need to be able to back them up.

Each to their own, but I was brought up to do the right thing . I was in the shoes of the other woman yes, so I made my mistakes and learnt from them. That's why any justification to an affair will not wash with me. It is a choice and in my opinion the easy way out when people are bored, sad, or just don't know what to do next after years in a relationship. Much quicker, easier and fun than sittign down and working out the next stage with a partner. That's not to say that people (like myself 10 years ago) will not make mistakes and will hurt others, but like others said, just because it is human nature to chase what we can't have and put our needs before doing the right thing, doesn't mean it should happen or that it should be excused.

The bottom line is, people go, have an affair for whatever the reason and the everything falls apart, sooner or later, amid much pain, regret and drama. How could that be a good thing to do?

1echidna

Person_one wrote: »

You have, and its a shame because I've usually respected your opinions on this forum.

I've found you're opinion on this interesting Person-one. From other threads I'd have expected a 'liberal' point of view on all this, perhaps even an advocate of open marriage.