Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

Person_one

1echidna wrote: »

I've found you're opinion on this interesting Person-one. From other threads I'd have expected a 'liberal' point of view on all this, perhaps even an advocate of open marriage.

As I said upthread, I do have a liberal attitude to relationships, providing all parties are fully informed and consenting.

poet123

Person_one wrote: »

As I said upthread, I do have a liberal attitude to relationships, providing all parties are fully informed and consenting.

I think this is key. If all are consenting adults then they alone are the arbiters of how they behave, when one is being "betrayed"( to use an emotive word) it becomes a different ball game.

nickyhutch

londoner1998 wrote: »

I never give them money because no, I don't know where it will go- but i will share my food with them or buy a cup of tea if they want. But that is by the by, you can't compare a homeless person to a situation where you knowgingly are hurting, lying and deceiving and/or contributing to someone else do it (as they said before, if you don't know, of course it doesn't apply, you are a victim as much as the perosn being lied to)

You are entitled to your opinion, but to make statements like that you need to be able to back them up. What do you want me to back up? I think affairs are generally wrong, but accept that they happen, and for lots of different reasons. I accept that people are hurt, but I acknowledge that sometimes they aren't, or are, in the end, glad that their OH bu99ered off. If my OH could have an affair, he obviously doesn't love me like I want/expect to be loved, so I'd rather he left. I wouldn't want him back - not because he cheated, but because he didn't love me in the way I want him to love me.

Each to their own, but I was brought up to do the right thing . So was I. Just because I went on to do the "wrong" thing, doesn't mean my upbringing is questionable. I was in the shoes of the other woman yes, so I made my mistakes and learnt from them. That's why any justification to an affair will not wash with me. That's your prerogative. It is a choice and in my opinion the easy way out when people are bored, sad, or just don't know what to do next after years in a relationship. Much quicker, easier and fun than sittign down and working out the next stage with a partner. That's not to say that people (like myself 10 years ago) will not make mistakes and will hurt others, but like others said, just because it is human nature to chase what we can't have and put our needs before doing the right thing, doesn't mean it should happen or that it should be excused. I'm not saying it should be excused, as such, just that there should be some understanding not everyone is perfect.

The bottom line is, people go, have an affair for whatever the reason and the everything falls apart, sooner or later, amid much pain, regret and drama. How could that be a good thing to do?

WHere did I say it's a good thing to do? The original question was whether an affair can have a happy ending - and sometimes, yes they do.

londoner1998

nickyhutch wrote: »

WHere did I say it's a good thing to do? The original question was whether an affair can have a happy ending - and sometimes, yes they do.

uhmmm..very rarely. Anyway, we all have different opinions but I very much doubt anyone that has been cheated on would be 'happy' about it. You can put things in many ways, but the fact remains that you seems to justify affairs unde the premise that there are reasons why people have them and that we should be 'understanding'.

It is not so much what we do, but whether we are ready to accept that what we do/doid was wrong and take responsbility for it. I never questioned your upbringing, but rather I question your ability to accept the fat that for whatever the reason , certain behaviour is wrong.

I think we should give the thread back to the OP... after all it is about her asking for help and opinion

Bogof_Babe

Well the OP is certainly getting plenty of "opinion".

I am curious nickyhutch as to whether your OH knew his wife was knocking off half the village before he took up with you? If so, wouldn't it have been better for him to sort that out first, rather than seeking a retaliatory extra-marital affair himself?

If he didn't know at the time, then what his wife was up to is irrelevant to the fact that he decided to start a relationship with someone else while still married to her.

I wish you luck in your marriage because in your case it sounds like you have a true love match, but I imagine for many philanderers, once the excitement of sneaking around is no longer necessary, they might end up wondering why they bothered to dump a reasonably satisfactory marriage only to find themselves in a very similar place. When the added "bonus" is that the new partner is very much younger, I wonder how long it takes before one or both of them decide it isn't all it's cracked up to be.

anna_grant

I have had affairs/flings/etc over the years and none have ended 'happily'. Either they were married or I was. They told me what they thought I wanted to hear 'I love you and my wife doesn't understand me' - I told them 'I really like you but I don't want to leave my husband'.

I only found happiness when I decided to 'settle' for what I had - a man who really loves me (been together 25 years) and who I love. My only concern is that I gained weight, which stopped me from looking around - it also made me less attractive to the opposite sex. I've now lost 3 stone which makes me feel better but also makes me more attractive and has increased my libido. I'm hoping that I'm more mature now and can keep the focus on my OH (or erotic literature!).

BTW - Anna Grant is not my real name :-)

nickyhutch

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Well the OP is certainly getting plenty of "opinion".

I am curious nickyhutch as to whether your OH knew his wife was knocking off half the village before he took up with you? If so, wouldn't it have been better for him to sort that out first, rather than seeking a retaliatory extra-marital affair himself? No he didn't, but very quickly worked it out when I pointed out inconsistencies in things she said and did; so it wasn't retaliatory - they just both genuinely didn't care about each other any more. It does happen that way. When he left, she only wanted him back "for a fortnight" so that he could drive her to Wales and back for a holiday. For the record, he gave up his half share in their home and pays maintenance and always has. He has the boys every other weekend and sees them one day a week other than that. We live 20 miles away.

If he didn't know at the time, then what his wife was up to is irrelevant to the fact that he decided to start a relationship with someone else while still married to her. see above.

I wish you luck in your marriage because in your case it sounds like you have a true love match thank you - but who knows? people and circumstances change. Never say never, never say forever. , but I imagine for many philanderers, once the excitement of sneaking around is no longer necessary, they might end up wondering why they bothered to dump a reasonably satisfactory marriage only to find themselves in a very similar place. You might imagine that, but without some statistics, we don't really know, do we? When the added "bonus" is that the new partner is very much younger, I wonder how long it takes before one or both of them decide it isn't all it's cracked up to be. I'm one day younger than his ex, so that's not pertinent in our case.

.

I can see your point - my Dad is/was a serial philanderer. My point is that not every affair is sordid, and there may be reasons you have no idea about as to why the affair happens. We're human, and fallible, and maybe weak, and selfish. It happens, and always has, and always will.

Again for the record, i don't believe as a species we're meant to be with the same person for life. OH says "whatever, you will be now, this is your forever relationship"

nickyhutch

anna_grant wrote: »

I have had affairs/flings/etc over the years and none have ended 'happily'. Either they were married or I was. They told me what they thought I wanted to here 'I love you and my wife doesn't understand me' - I told them 'I really like you but I don't want to leave my husband'.

I only found happiness when I decided to 'settle' for what I had - a man who really loves me (been together 25 years) and who I love him. My only concern is that I gained weight, which stopped me from looking around - it also made me less attractive to the opoosite sex. I've now lost 3 stone which makes me feel better but also makes me more attractive and has increased my libido. I'm hoping that I'm more mature now and can keep the focus on my OH (or erotic literature!).

BTW - Anna Grant is not my real name :-)

That's really brave of you to post. I'm the same - I'm most tempted when i'm slim, attractive etc. etc. to the point where I think maybe I wont lose this last half stone, just in case

nickyhutch

londoner1998 wrote: »

uhmmm..very rarely. Anyway, we all have different opinions but I very much doubt anyone that has been cheated on would be 'happy' about it. You can put things in many ways, but the fact remains that you seems to justify affairs unde the premise that there are reasons why people have them and that we should be 'understanding'. yes, I do.

It is not so much what we do, but whether we are ready to accept that what we do/doid was wrong and take responsbility for it. I never questioned your upbringing, but rather I question your ability to accept the fat that for whatever the reason , certain behaviour is wrong. just because you think that, it doesn't mean I have to accept it too.

I think we should give the thread back to the OP... after all it is about her asking for help and opinion

I'm sure she's reading avidly

purpletoenails

londoner1998 wrote: »

uhmmm..very rarely. Anyway, we all have different opinions but I very much doubt anyone that has been cheated on would be 'happy' about it. You can put things in many ways, but the fact remains that you seems to justify affairs unde the premise that there are reasons why people have them and that we should be 'understanding'.

It is not so much what we do, but whether we are ready to accept that what we do/doid was wrong and take responsbility for it. I never questioned your upbringing, but rather I question your ability to accept the fat that for whatever the reason , certain behaviour is wrong.

I think we should give the thread back to the OP... after all it is about her asking for help and opinion

I am certainly getting lots of opinions thats for sure.

Londoner, I wonder if things had turned out differently for you and your lover had left his wife for you, would your opinion be different?