Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

meer53

clearingout wrote: »

two wrongs don't make a right, to quote a cliche!

You are right, you are of course responsible for your own actions and ultimately, your own happiness. The other woman in my situation owes me nothing. I do actually accept that.

But what YOU have to accept, as a person who was 'happy' to cheat and be involved in the breakdown of a marriage, is that for some of us, that is heart breaking experience, it is utterly, utterly humilliating. It is the worst pain you can possibly imagine, magnified a hundred times over with cream and cherries on the top. Realising you have been betrayed, that some of your friends and people you believed to be your family were involved (in some cases), that you were the last to know, that the other person is now taking your place at summer bbqs and your former friends and accquaintances probably think he/she is quite a nice person. It is everything you ever were, wanted and needed dumped at the side of a road and driven over by 1000 tractors to make sure it is totally dead.

Some people, dust themselves off and 'get over it' quickly. Most of us have medium term issues with it but recognise we're better off, that things weren't what we though they were and we deserve better. Others never get over it - I have two good friends entering their old age who, after 30 years plus of marriage have had to endure the loss of everything whilst their husbands prance about with women 30 years their junior. They don't get to grow old with the person they loved, in the home they had raised their children in. Many of us are left in poverty, dependent on the welfare state to feed and clothe our children whilst our ex's go scott free, holidaying 4 times a year in the sun.

As someone who has had an affair, you MUST take responsiblity, surely, for acknowledging your selfishness at pursusing your dreams over someone else's? Affairs don't always happen because relationships are unhappy, they happen because people get sucked in, because the sneaking about is addictive and exciting, because sleeping with someone new after 2, 5, 10 or 30 years offers something a bit different.

Clearingout, i think we are the same person !

As far the OP's original question, for me, i'm over the hurt now and happy with my new life. Its taken nearly 9 years for me to feel this way. But for my children, it's a different story, and that makes me really sad, and angry with my ex. I will never forgive him for what he has done to them, they didn't deserve it. He wanted what the OP's lover wants, to have his cake and eat it. For his childrens sake, the OP should end her affair with him.

Lunar_Eclipse

nickyhutch wrote: »

We'll have to agree to disagree.

I've read all the posts so far.

I accept that people hold different opinions on aspects related to this subject of infidelity. You have inferred that you do not believe having affairs is wrong, so could sometimes be the right thing to do? How/why is that? It might be normal behaviour, but I honestly have never come across anyone that thinks they aren't wrong, so am intrigued.

For the record, I know you haven't actually come out and said "infidelity is right", but when other posters have written words to the effect of 'everyone knows infidelity is wrong' you have replied that is 'in their opinion' and that you'll have to 'agree to disagree' on the matter. If however I have misinterpreted your posts, then I'd be delighted to hear it.

nickyhutch

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

I've read all the posts so far.

I accept that people hold different opinions on aspects related to this subject of infidelity. You have inferred no. you have inferred, you think I have implied that you do not believe having affairs is wrong, so could sometimes be the right thing to do? that's not what I said. I have said that they are inherently wrong, but they happend, and there are reasons they happen. How/why is that? It might be normal behaviour, but I honestly have never come across anyone that thinks they aren't wrong, and you still haven't so am intrigued.

For the record, I know you haven't actually come out and said "infidelity is right", but when other posters have written words to the effect of 'everyone knows infidelity is wrong' you have replied that is 'in their opinion' and that you'll have to 'agree to disagree' on the matter. If however I have misinterpreted your posts, then I'd be delighted to hear it.

As above. I see in grey, not black and white. I don't think they are "normal behaviour" either, just that people don't deserve to be universally condemned by strangers and society as a whole for having a failing marriage. I think it's worse to stay in a sham of a marriage (which happens) rather than get out and be happy. Yes, ideally, we should get out of the marriage before we have an affair, but this isn't an ideal world, and most people are less than perfect (thank God.).

CH27

nickyhutch wrote: »

Again, your opinion, one I don't agree with. Her happiness (remember, she was at it herself) was not my responsibility.

But you were willfully contributing to her unhappiness & that of the children.

nickyhutch

CH27 wrote: »

But you were willfully contributing to her unhappiness & that of the children.

She couldn't have cared less - she was happy out having her own flings and as I've said was only concerned that she couldn't (wouldn't) drive herself on her holiday.

The children, I'll grant you that. I've admitted it's selfish. I didn't set out to separate OH and his ex - quite the opposite. I thought a fling with a married man would be "safe" for me, in that being married, there wouldn't be a chance that he'd want some commitment from me. It didn't work like that because his marriage was crap (I didn't know that) and he fell for me. I never once asked or encouraged him to leave, and carried on with my life just as normal. he came to that decision on his own and left without even telling me his plans. It was honestly a big surprise to me - a welcome one, but a surprise nonetheless.

CH27

nickyhutch wrote: »

She couldn't have cared less - she was happy out having her own flings and as I've said was only concerned that she couldn't (wouldn't) drive herself on her holiday.

The children, I'll grant you that. I've admitted it's selfish. I didn't set out to separate OH and his ex - quite the opposite. I thought a fling with a married man would be "safe" for me, in that being married, there wouldn't be a chance that he'd want some commitment from me. It didn't work like that because his marriage was crap (I didn't know that) and he fell for me. I never once asked or encouraged him to leave, and carried on with my life just as normal. he came to that decision on his own and left without even telling me his plans. It was honestly a big surprise to me - a welcome one, but a surprise nonetheless.

If I remember correctly you said your OH is still estranged from his children. Do you feel guilty about that? Does it cast a cloud over your relationship?

Person_one

nickyhutch wrote: »

She couldn't have cared less - she was happy out having her own flings and as I've said was only concerned that she couldn't (wouldn't) drive herself on her holiday.

The children, I'll grant you that. I've admitted it's selfish. I didn't set out to separate OH and his ex - quite the opposite. I thought a fling with a married man would be "safe" for me, in that being married, there wouldn't be a chance that he'd want some commitment from me. It didn't work like that because his marriage was crap (I didn't know that) and he fell for me. I never once asked or encouraged him to leave, and carried on with my life just as normal. he came to that decision on his own and left without even telling me his plans. It was honestly a big surprise to me - a welcome one, but a surprise nonetheless.

So you deliberately set out to have a fling with a married man in the hope that he still felt a strong commitment to and had feelings for his wife so that you could have a no strings fling?

Yes, you're right, you were incredibly selfish.

Swans1912

OP I have just read most of the thread and thought I would share my experiences with you if thats OK. When I was younger, 18/19 I made some pretty awful choices in men. I finally thought I'd met my 'prince' when I was 18. The guy was in his 30s (lied to me initially and said he was 27) was good looking, had a good job and was just charming. Being the young and naive person who had really poor relationships I pretty much jumped in feet first and slept with him after a matter of weeks as I thought i'd met someone really special. We went on nights out and stayed in hotels as he told me his dad was dying of cancer in his own home, so it would be inappropriate for us to go back to his. After he got enough of what he wanted I heard nothing from him for 6 months... Then out of the blue I had an email from him, asking to meet up etc and saying he was sorry about what happened and that his wife had found out about us and he cut contact to PROTECT ME FROM HER.... WHAT WIFE?!?! I sent him a reply stating that if he was after second helping then he could kiss my **** and that if he contacted me again I'd be tracking down his wife and telling her everything, including him crawling back for round two and that i'd be cutting his manhood off with a cheese wire. To this day i've not received a reply to that

Fast forward 6 months I started a new job and got close to my mentor who was a LOT older than me (in his early 40s) but I knew he was married. I tried to deny feelings for him but after a boozy xmas party for work we kissed. I wasn't about to make the same mistake as last time so didn't put out. He was all for leaving his wife (so he said) and I got the line "my wife doesn't understand me" blah blah blah. I ended it. I woke up to the fact that it just wasn't going to happen and I deserved more. Men who belong to another tell you ANYTHING that you want to hear and know how to manipulate you.

OP - I think YOU deserve more than this. I also think his wife does. Therefore I think you should gracefully walk away from the relationship knowing that you did the right thing in the end. Good luck xxx

nickyhutch

Person_one wrote: »

So you deliberately set out to have a fling with a married man in the hope that he still felt a strong commitment to and had feelings for his wife so that you could have a no strings fling?

Yes, you're right, you were incredibly selfish.

It's not as black and white as that. It's gradual. I didn't think "oooh, I fancy an affair" then go off and look for a married man. It started as a fling and I was more inclined to carry it on because I thought nothing would come of it, rather than thinking "oooh I want him to leave his wife for me so I'll carry on".

Yes, it's selfish. Say it as much as you like - I know it is.

We obviously have very different views on relationships and aren't going to see each other's points of view.

nickyhutch

CH27 wrote: »

If I remember correctly you said your OH is still estranged from his children. Do you feel guilty about that? Does it cast a cloud over your relationship?

You don't remember correctly - I said about a page ago that he has them here every other weekend and sees them once a week on top of that. There are no clouds in our relationship, other than being permanently skint.