Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

Bogof_Babe

Would be interesting to hear how 1echidna felt about his wife during his cyber fling, or whatever it was he had. I very much doubt they were on the point of divorce!

Looking at it from the husband's pov, he realises that if he lets his OW think everything is hunky dory at home, and she's just a plaything to keep him amused, then he won't even get past first base. Of course he's going to make out that there are problems in the marriage. It's (in his eyes) self-justification for playing away.

purpletoenails

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I think you are, I'm afraid, very wrong.

Why do you think that?

From my point of you, if I was in a great relationship, I certainly wouldn't be looking elsewhere.

Bogof_Babe

purpletoenails wrote: »

No, I appreciate that I only have what he says to me in order to have an idea what their relationship is like. However I do feel that if it was all that fantastic he wouldn't be seeing me in the first place, or do you think that I am wrong to make this assumption?

Men (mainly, but women too, to a certain extent) can easily separate their lust for excitement from their need for a peaceful, ordered home life that they can rely on.

They have affairs for excitement. Occasionally this will turn into love, although in those cases I believe there probably was something fundamentally wrong in the marriage. If they are in love, you will know it. And they won't settle for a few hours every couple of weeks, they will move heaven and earth to make it official.

I'm sorry OP but I think you are going to get badly hurt if you continue to hope for a future with this man. You are articulate and intelligent, so start putting yourself first and get on with the rest of your life.

purpletoenails

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Would be interesting to hear how 1echidna felt about his wife during his cyber fling, or whatever it was he had. I very much doubt they were on the point of divorce!

Looking at it from the husband's pov, he realises that if he lets his OW think everything is hunky dory at home, and she's just a plaything to keep him amused, then he won't even get past first base. Of course he's going to make out that there are problems in the marriage. It's (in his eyes) self-justification for playing away.

I understand what you are saying, but why would he be playing away if he was perfectly happy already?

For what its worth, he doesn't always make a big point of telling me things are bad at home, I don't tend to ask either.

Errata

purpletoenails wrote: »

I understand what you are saying, but why would he be playing away if he was perfectly happy already?

For what its worth, he doesn't always make a big point of telling me things are bad at home, I don't tend to ask either.

He shouldn't be telling you anything about his home life, nor should you listen. He will though, because he can play on your sympathy and you can be the sympathetic good guy. Shame on both of you.

Bogof_Babe

purpletoenails wrote: »

I understand what you are saying, but why would he be playing away if he was perfectly happy already?

Because if they have been married for some time the novelty has worn off, and although they still care for eachother the sex has become a bit same-ish? Having a fling is an adventure. He gets a buzz from "getting away with it". He does care about you but mainly because you provide him with the excitement he needs to counterbalance the routine aspects that are inevitable in a long marriage.

For what its worth, he doesn't always make a big point of telling me things are bad at home, I don't tend to ask either.

So is it just your assumption that he has a terrible home life? It can't be that bad or he would have done something about it before now.

lostinrates

purpletoenails wrote: »

I understand what you are saying, but why would he be playing away if he was perfectly happy already?

For what its worth, he doesn't always make a big point of telling me things are bad at home, I don't tend to ask either.

I just read this to dh as he walked through the room and he said ''Why do overweight people ever have second helpings?''. People sometimes have enough and want more. Not all people.

I don't believe all marriages are perfect....in fact I think a significant percentage aren't perfect but are reasonably functional...the perfect ones are few and far between.

Bogof_Babe

Also, all you know of him is what you see on your dates. Have you considered how happy you'd be living with his habits? Mine is currently snoring on the settee behind me, with his feet on the coffee table, and as he's been working in the garden all day I've seen prettier sights! He was going to go for a bath but hasn't got around to it yet.

You do obviously realise that once you live with someone day in day out it isn't like dating any more. You might even conceivably get bored with eachother, unbelievable as it sounds right now.

Have you ever had a proper relationship with someone who was free to commit to you? Purely for comparison with what little crumb you have now. I'm sure you have, so wasn't that far preferable? Or maybe it's you enjoying the thrill of the forbidden too?

purpletoenails

Errata wrote: »

He shouldn't be telling you anything about his home life, nor should you listen. He will though, because he can play on your sympathy and you can be the sympathetic good guy. Shame on both of you.

He doesn't get a lot of sympathy from me I'm afraid. If things are happening at home that are making him unhappy, then he should leave or sort it out. If he chooses to put up with it, then that's his look out.

1echidna

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Would be interesting to hear how 1echidna felt about his wife during his cyber fling, or whatever it was he had. I very much doubt they were on the point of divorce!

Looking at it from the husband's pov, he realises that if he lets his OW think everything is hunky dory at home, and she's just a plaything to keep him amused, then he won't even get past first base. Of course he's going to make out that there are problems in the marriage. It's (in his eyes) self-justification for playing away.

No we weren't on the point of divorce largely because we have a very symbiotic relationship with each depending on the other a lot. It was this that made my cyber fling something I could do. The other party accepted I wouldn't be leaving my wife and I made no secret of the fling from my wife. Can't say OH was entirely happy but it went no further than that.