Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

Lunar_Eclipse

euronorris wrote: »

Really? I'm surprised to hear anyone feels this way. Just goes to show that everyone is different.

I'm the opposite. I'd much rather that a relationship ended because it wasn't right, than because he found someone else.

I wholeheartedly agree.

I'm really surprised to hear others think differently and can't help but wonder if it's related to self esteem and expectations of personal happiness in life.

If a relationship broke down without a third party, it wouldn't even occur to me (ie I was surprised to read) that my partner would rather be alone than with me, simply that our relationship didn't work out. That would be sad, but the pain wouldn't be masked by the utter outrage I would feel if I discovered my husband was unfaithful. I can't get beyond the 'how dare you' screamed at the top of my voice. The deceit and accompanying lies would challenge my faith in the human race in a way that a natural relationship ending would never do. Do some people not feel that trust, honesty and respect are the basic foundations of any and all relationships? (that then flourish with love)

I fully accept that we are all different and don't expect everyone to have the same opinions, but this one is really making me want to get into some people's heads so I can understand how they see it.

euronorris

Pollycat wrote: »

If it is that long, I'd have thought it was more than enough time for him to decide which woman he wants to be with.



Or is he playing the 'I can't leave my wife at the moment as.......

• she needs me
• it will upset the kids
• I can't afford it
• insert excuse of your choice

card?

The highlighted one.

Which I believe is a lame excuse. If things are as bad at home as he makes out, the kids have most likely picked up on it anyway, and are already hurting. Plus, I don't think adulthood makes you immune to the pain of parents splitting. Some people will obviously deal with it better, but many others wouldn't, and he has no way of knowing which category his children fall into until they are faced with the situation.

euronorris

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

I wholeheartedly agree.

I'm really surprised to hear others think differently and can't help but wonder if it's related to self esteem and expectations of personal happiness in life.

If a relationship broke down without a third party, it wouldn't even occur to me (ie I was surprised to read) that my partner would rather be alone than with me, simply that our relationship didn't work out. That would be sad, but the pain wouldn't be masked by the utter outrage I would feel if I discovered my husband was unfaithful. I can't get beyond the 'how dare you' screamed at the top of my voice. The deceit and accompanying lies would challenge my faith in the human race in a way that a natural relationship ending would never do. Do some people not feel that trust, honesty and respect are the basic foundations of any and all relationships? (that then flourish with love)

I fully accept that we are all different and don't expect everyone to have the same opinions, but this one is really making me want to get into some people's heads so I can understand how they see it.

I think it is to do with our expectations of life and relationships.

I can see why people would think that way, as I have thought that way in the past myself. And it's only through counselling that I've learnt that other people are not responsible for my happiness and vice versa. And that, in fact, I have a lot more power and control over my life, happiness and relationships then I ever thought possible. It's empowering, liberating even and things become much clearer once you stop thinking of relationships as fairytales.

If you're thinking of your OH as 'the one' or your 'knight in shining armour' so to speak, then it IS devastating if he choses to leave you for seemingly no reason.

What I would say though, is there is always a reason a relationship breaks down. IMO, an affair is a symptom of a problem. So, it is then in addition to the problems that already exist. Which, for me, makes it much, much more painful.

Essentially, one person in the relationship recognises there are issues and responds by starting another relationship with someone else, which I feel is illogical.

Errata

euronorris wrote: »

The highlighted one.

Which I believe is a lame excuse. If things are as bad at home as he makes out, the kids have most likely picked up on it anyway, and are already hurting. Plus, I don't think adulthood makes you immune to the pain of parents splitting. Some people will obviously deal with it better, but many others wouldn't, and he has no way of knowing which category his children fall into until they are faced with the situation.

I think the separate bedrooms might give the children a clue

hello1971

Me again!! I dont go on holiday with my OH havent for years......

OwnedByFerrets

if he's having an affair, he obviously isn't concerned about the moral implications. So if he ever did leave his wife for you (which is not likely as he's getting everything he wants now) there is the highest chance he'd only be doing the same thing to you. He seems to have commitment issues, and people don't just change for other people.

This is only MY OPINION, but I would say leave him now, and possibly let his wife know (out of respect for another living being) that her husband isn't entirely satisfied with the marriage and is seeking that satisfaction elsewhere, but leaving him will allow you time to find someone who isn't dis-honest or betraying, which would be better for a relationship in the long term. Affairs can only really work in a short term thing, and they do destroy the long term relationships that they betray - my ex-fiance cheated on me a lot, and that's what destroyed the relationship.

This really is all on him, he's getting all he wants, all of his cake and icing. I would not stay with him, because the relationship doesn't have any chance of growing.

a1969baby

My parents had separate bedrooms by the time I was a teenager and still do to this day. I often wondered why they stayed together as they were clearly only putting up with each other, and my sister and myself had to put up with them b!tching about each other on a daily basis. I sometimes wish they had found new partners, but at the ages of 65 and 72 they are unlikely to do so now!

For whats its worth I used to go on holidays with my ex - not for the pleasure of his company, but because I enjoyed going away and spending time with my kids.

POPPYOSCAR

a1969baby wrote: »

My parents had separate bedrooms by the time I was a teenager and still do to this day. I often wondered why they stayed together as they were clearly only putting up with each other, and my sister and myself had to put up with them b!tching about each other on a daily basis. I sometimes wish they had found new partners, but at the ages of 65 and 72 they are unlikely to do so now!

For whats its worth I used to go on holidays with my ex - not for the pleasure of his company, but because I enjoyed going away and spending time with my kids.

Yes me to.

I would have loved my dad to have had an affair at least I would have known he was getting some comfort from somewhere.

POPPYOSCAR

Pollycat wrote: »

I'd prefer to read what happens to the OP, rather than endless pontification about whose opinion is right and whose is wrong.

Why?

1
If he leaves to be with her she will be slated as the most 'wicked women going'

2
If he stays it will be 'told you so'

3
If nothing changes it will be same as 1 above.

Pollycat

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Why?

1
If he leaves to be with her she will be slated as the most 'wicked women going'

2
If he stays it will be 'told you so'

3
If nothing changes it will be same as 1 above.

You've taken my post (below) out of context.

Pollycat wrote: »

I'd prefer to read what happens to the OP, rather than endless pontification about whose opinion is right and whose is wrong.

It was as a reply to the post below:

1echidna wrote: »

Who is going to end up with the last word on this thread? The obviously right answer that affairs can sometimes end up with a happy ending or the complete doom mongers saying that it can never happen despite evidence all around us to the contrary?

It meant I wasn't bothered who had the last word.