Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

Person_one

nickyhutch wrote: »

It's a choice, and sometimes it's inevitable that the choice will be to cheat.

Nope, does not compute.

As you have been involved in this kind of situation though, I can't really blame you for wanting to justify your position.

nickyhutch

catkins wrote: »

Although I am sure not every person who cheats then does the same same in a new relationship I think an awful lot do. When I think about people I know who have cheated they have almost all then cheated on their new partner. If the reason they cheated in the first place was boredom and they got some sort of excitement out of cheating they find the new relationship also eventually gets boring and they need the excitement all over again.

Again, although not always true, I do tend to believe the saying "a leopard does not change its spots".

You "think" an awful lot do? That's not evidence, though, is it?

I think an awful lot more people cheat than we know about, too, and get away with it and stay married.

And if the reason they cheated wasn't boredom/for a thrill?

nickyhutch

Person_one wrote: »

Nope, does not compute.

As you have been involved in this kind of situation though, I can't really blame you for wanting to justify your position.

Not justifying, trying (and not succeeding) to explain.

purpletoenails

nickyhutch wrote: »

I'm sorry you've been through that. I'm not going to phrase this properly, so I'm sorry to be blunt, but would you rather your husband left you, but not for another woman? That he'd rather live alone than with you? I'm not saying that's how I'd feel, because I don't know, but if I try to think about it I imagine I'd rather have lost him to someone else than he'd left just because he'd had enough of me.

I was thinking about this very thing last night, and I feel the same way

Person_one

nickyhutch wrote: »

I'm sorry you've been through that. I'm not going to phrase this properly, so I'm sorry to be blunt, but would you rather your husband left you, but not for another woman? That he'd rather live alone than with you? I'm not saying that's how I'd feel, because I don't know, but if I try to think about it I imagine I'd rather have lost him to someone else than he'd left just because he'd had enough of me.

Personally, yes. I would much much prefer that my partner left because the relationship just wasn't working rather than because he met someone else.

With the first, there's a huge sense of loss and disappointment, but not the utter betrayal of the second. You don't start questioning how long he's been lying to you, sleeping with someone else and then getting into bed with you, you don't wonder what he's told the other woman about you and if the pair of them are laughing their heads off at you behind your back.

With the first, a relationship can end but you still put each other first and treat each other well right up until the moment you finalise everything and break ties, not with the second.

msb5262

I would agree strongly with nickyhutch and purpletoenails - I'd much rather be left for someone else than just left because the relationship is dead.
My dear ex actually did the former but let me think it was the latter!
As many responses upthread show, it's much easier to feel furious and betrayed by your partner and the other woman than just to feel, "There must be something awful wrong with me..."
I felt quite relieved in a weird way when I finally found out that my ex had been carrying on with someone else all along (I found out 18 months after he'd moved out). They're now married with a child.

MsB

nickyhutch

msb5262 wrote: »

I would agree strongly with nickyhutch and purpletoenails - I'd much rather be left for someone else than just left because the relationship is dead.
My dear ex actually did the former but let me think it was the latter!
As many responses upthread show, it's much easier to feel furious and betrayed by your partner and the other woman than just to feel, "There must be something awful wrong with me..."
I felt quite relieved in a weird way when I finally found out that my ex had been carrying on with someone else all along (I found out 18 months after he'd moved out). They're now married with a child.

MsB

That's what I meant. If he left me for no-one, then heck, I must be blimming awful.

msb5262

And I'd also like to add that I really felt betrayed by my husband, not by his other woman, despite what my previous post said. She didn't promise me anything!
MsB

Errata

If a man leaves his wife and children for another woman, isn't he saying very loud and clear to them that he's only stayed with them until something better came along? Doesn't that indicate that they're second best? I would have thought that was far more soul destroying than him saying things are not working for him any longer, and moving out.

msb5262

Errata wrote: »

If a man leaves his wife and children for another woman, isn't he saying very loud and clear to them that he's only stayed with them until something better came along? Doesn't that indicate that they're second best? I would have thought that was far more soul destroying than him saying things are not working for him any longer, and moving out.

I'm only stating how it was for me.

It's actually not great to think that your husband would rather live alone than with you and the children.

At least if someone else is involved, it's easier to rationalise and feel ok about yourself!

MsB