Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

meer53

nickyhutch wrote: »

We obviously have very different viewpoints and opinions on the subject and are never going to agree. You don't have to be "baffled" just because I don't agree with you. I'm not baffled by your opinion - just accepting of it.

I don't think cheating is the answer to anything; I think it is sometimes the inevitable result of problems/breakdowns of relationships. I think sometimes the breakdown of a relationship is inevitable. Sometimes people are fed up, frustrated, unhappy, miserable, treated badly (etc etc) and end up (yes, I know, choose to) see someone else. It happens.

Of course we go into relationships on the understanding that we'll be faithful, but things change. People change. Circumstances change.

But why should it be "inevitable" ? If people have problems in their relationships, yes, it's common these days, but what we're saying is that someone who is fed up or unhappy should do the decent thing and end one relationship before starting another. It's the people who don't do this that cause all the heartache. I've been there, i know what it's like to be cheated on, it's like having your insides ripped out, slowly. Especially when you are completely unaware that your husband "wasn't happy" in your marriage.
If you're unhappy then end it, before you move on to someone else, it's not "inevitable" that people will cheat.

Errata

purpletoenails wrote: »

Well I'm not sure threatening someone to get what you want is the best way to go about it?

Why do you think the choice is either threats or leaving the decision wholly in the hands of one of the couple. Partnerships, especially loving ones, are about discussion, negotiation, give and take. As I said, you don't have the foggiest.

Lunar_Eclipse

nickyhutch wrote: »

I think sometimes the breakdown of a relationship is inevitable. Sometimes people are fed up, frustrated, unhappy, miserable, treated badly (etc etc) and end up (yes, I know, choose to) see someone else. It happens.



Most people agree with this. Thankfully, the majority also believe that in this unfortunate situation, the right thing to do is to end the current relationship before embarking on a new one. Cheating is for cowards.

The only reason that married people don't do this is because they don't want to, for a myriad of reasons. They realise they have a lot to lose, or at risk, in pursuing the new relationship. Otherwise, they would end their (so called) unhappy marriage as soon as they meet the new person that truly lights their fire. I assume this is because in reality, the grass is not usually greener.

What a waste of time infidelity is.

I'm wondering if affairs follow the Pareto principle: 20% leading to happy endings for some or all of those affected, and 80% to heartache and misery all round.

catkins

nickyhutch wrote: »

We obviously have very different viewpoints and opinions on the subject and are never going to agree. You don't have to be "baffled" just because I don't agree with you. I'm not baffled by your opinion - just accepting of it.

I don't think cheating is the answer to anything; I think it is sometimes the inevitable result of problems/breakdowns of relationships. I think sometimes the breakdown of a relationship is inevitable. Sometimes people are fed up, frustrated, unhappy, miserable, treated badly (etc etc) and end up (yes, I know, choose to) see someone else. It happens.

Of course we go into relationships on the understanding that we'll be faithful, but things change. People change. Circumstances change.

Well me and my husband went into marriage knowing we would both be faithful and if things went so badly wrong we did not want to stay together we would separate.

You say "things" change. What "things" would that be? Because morals, standards and respect for your partner should not change. Circumstances may well change such as no longer loving your partner and you then do the decent thing and leave not start sleeping with someone else

catkins

nickyhutch wrote: »

Do you have any stats/evidence to back that up?

Although I am sure not every person who cheats then does the same same in a new relationship I think an awful lot do. When I think about people I know who have cheated they have almost all then cheated on their new partner. If the reason they cheated in the first place was boredom and they got some sort of excitement out of cheating they find the new relationship also eventually gets boring and they need the excitement all over again.

Again, although not always true, I do tend to believe the saying "a leopard does not change its spots".

Buddingblonde

nickyhutch wrote: »

She's cheated herself out of a genuine relationship and a family. She didn't have to stay with him.

Hence the reason I used the word deluded - however the promises and gifts and holidays were something to behold. Firstly it was leaving when the kids were old enough to understand, then it was cant leave her mother has just died, she has lost her job, one of the children was ill, lets go on holiday and Ill make it up to you, lets have a weekend away here, oh her dads died etc etc

People in love do daft things, people in lust do selfish things.

nickyhutch

Person_one wrote: »

I don't have to be baffled, but I am! You (begrudgingly) accept that cheating is always a choice, but also refer to it as inevitable, what's that all about?

It's a choice, and sometimes it's inevitable that the choice will be to cheat.

purpletoenails

Errata wrote: »

Why do you think the choice is either threats or leaving the decision wholly in the hands of one of the couple. Partnerships, especially loving ones, are about discussion, negotiation, give and take. As I said, you don't have the foggiest.

I do have the foggiest, and we will be discussing it.

nickyhutch

meer53 wrote: »

But why should it be "inevitable" ? If people have problems in their relationships, yes, it's common these days, but what we're saying is that someone who is fed up or unhappy should do the decent thing and end one relationship before starting another. It's the people who don't do this that cause all the heartache. I've been there, i know what it's like to be cheated on, it's like having your insides ripped out, slowly. Especially when you are completely unaware that your husband "wasn't happy" in your marriage.
If you're unhappy then end it, before you move on to someone else, it's not "inevitable" that people will cheat.

I'm not saying it should be inevitable, I'm just remarking that in my experience (not just personal - people I know, and know of and read of), it sometimes is. I'm not saying that it's inevitable that everyone will cheat. People don't always do "the decent thing" because they are just that - people, human.

Sometimes people don't realise they're unhappy until they meet someone else - that happens too.

I'm sorry you've been through that. I'm not going to phrase this properly, so I'm sorry to be blunt, but would you rather your husband left you, but not for another woman? That he'd rather live alone than with you? I'm not saying that's how I'd feel, because I don't know, but if I try to think about it I imagine I'd rather have lost him to someone else than he'd left just because he'd had enough of me.

nickyhutch

catkins wrote: »

Well me and my husband went into marriage knowing we would both be faithful and if things went so badly wrong we did not want to stay together we would separate.

You say "things" change. What "things" would that be? Because morals, standards and respect for your partner should not change. Circumstances may well change such as no longer loving your partner and you then do the decent thing and leave not start sleeping with someone else

Well in my case, my husband changed. He went from being lively, sociable, interesting and a pleasure to be with to being a mean-spirited, intolerant, unsociable, nasty person who no-one could bear to be around and who had forced the same existence on me. The morning he called our 7 year old son a "little !!!!" sealed his fate as far as I was concerned.