Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

VestanPance

Taadaa wrote: »

Very. Narrow. Minded.

Plenty of people stop doing something because it is too hard for them. It happens all the time, every day, from not going back to the gym to not telling someone bad news. Such is life. Modern times are hard.

Excuses, excuses, excuses.

nickyhutch

VestanPance wrote: »

Easy isn't the issue. Lot's of things in life are hard. If you can't follow through on something because it's not easy then trouble will always be around.

Here's a genuine question. I think I'm right that your wife left you after an affair. She obviously wasn't happy with you or no longer loved you (or both). Would you prefer that she stayed with you and was miserable for ever? That she was with you only because she took some vows? That your wife, the person you were spending the rest of your life with, didn't actually want to be with you?

Welshwoofs

VestanPance wrote: »

Love for a partner you've made a commitment like marriage to should be as absolute as love for a child.

Some marriages work, others do not and no amount of 'lets all hold hands and teach the world to sing' sugary rhetoric is going to change that.

Not even Disney would go as far as stating that romantic love should be 'absolute' and till the end of time these days......and that really says something about the level of fantasy you're living in.

Person_one

VestanPance wrote: »

I love how all relationships used to be like that before the good old days of divorce at the drop of a hat.

I grew up knowing no divorced parents, no unhappy kids watching loveless marriages. I guess I must have imagined my entire childhood!

No I think if couple make that commitment they should work at it. I think these days many people cut and run on a whim, don't work at things and just look for a new exciting option if they get bored or what is the term 'grow apart'. It's consumerism marriage.

Lucky you, I watched grandparents and great-grandparents live out the final years of their lives in miserable marriages. Of course not all marriages were unhappy, the other set of my grandparents just celebrated 50 years still very much in love, but plenty were.

VestanPance

nickyhutch wrote: »

Here's a genuine question. I think I'm right that your wife left you after an affair. She obviously wasn't happy with you or no longer loved you (or both). Would you prefer that she stayed with you and was miserable for ever? That she was with you only because she took some vows? What your wife, the person you were spending the rest of your life with, didn't actually want to be with you?

My ex attempted to get back with me months later "biggest mistake of my life blah blah blah" and I told her I never wanted to see her ever again. We'd talked over everything during our time together, as you do, and she knew my stance on this subject.

No longer happy. She never did expresss that, so all she needed to do was talk to me. In fact as my wife that's the least I'd have expected. She should have addressed any issues she had and if we couldn't resolve them then move on. In truth her head got turned by a bit of flattery, an early mid life crisis or such like.

Once she did what she did she was not the person I'd fallen head over heels in love with and would have walked through hell to love and protect.

VestanPance

Welshwoofs wrote: »

Some marriages work, others do not and no amount of 'lets all hold hands and teach the world to sing' sugary rhetoric is going to change that.

Not even Disney would go as far as stating that romantic love should be 'absolute' and till the end of time these days......and that really says something about the level of fantasy you're living in.

It's there if both people want it and work at it. People just expect it and wonder why it isn't there after the inital attraction.

nickyhutch

VestanPance wrote: »

My ex attempted to get back with me months later "biggest mistake of my life blah blah blah" and I told her I never wanted to see her ever again. But what about your vows?We'd talked over everything during our time together, as you do, and she knew my stance on this subject.

No longer happy. She never did expresss that, so all she needed to do was talk to me. And if that didn't work? If she still wasn't happy? In fact as my wife that's the least I'd have expected. She should have addressed any issues she had and if we couldn't resolve them then move on. But that would be breaking your vows, wouldn't it? In truth her head got turned by a bit of flattery, an early mid life crisis or such like. :rotfl::rotfl:

Once she did what she did she was not the person I'd fallen head over heels in love with and would have walked through hell to love and protect.

So that last paragraph acknowledges (at last) that people change? You no longer wanted her because she was "not the person [you'd] fallen head over heels in love with"?

Welshwoofs

whitewing wrote: »

Rubbish. I chose my husband (note 'husband' as I wanted that commitment) because I want to be with him. We had our daughter because I knew he would love to be a father, and delight in all that entails.

....and if you split up you'd still continue to have an obligation to the child, even when you had no further obligations to each other. So again, NOT the same situation at all.

Just because you're swimming in marital bliss does not mean everyone else is....and if they are not, why the hell should they live the rest of their lives miserable just to fit in with ideas of what's 'acceptable' to other people?

One of my friends is going through a divorce at the moment; her and her husband have had not one, not two, but three rounds of marriage guidance. They've spent the last 4 years trying to make it work and have finally BOTH admitted that it just isn't going to. There's no shame in that; no failure. They're simply very different people than they were when they first met (when young, at school) and they no longer want the same things from life, have anything in common or enjoy being together as a couple. They're going to end it now, as friends, and sort out the children amicably - that has to be sooo much better than the current situation which is that 'Mummy and Daddy have separate rooms, never go anywhere together and look sad all the time'

Welshwoofs

VestanPance wrote: »

It's there if both people want it and work at it. People just expect it and wonder why it isn't there after the inital attraction.

Sorry but that's just rubbish. It may work for SOME people if they want it and work at it....but you can't just make two people love each other again or want to be with each other....and if they've talked, tried, even had bloody counseling and STILL don't want to continue then they should part.

VestanPance

nickyhutch wrote: »

So that last paragraph acknowledges (at last) that people change? You no longer wanted her because she was "not the person [you'd] fallen head over heels in love with"?

No it was a simple case of a betryal of trust and in my opinion no healthy relationship can survive without trust.

I was still in love with her when I told her I never wanted to see her again. In truth part of me will always love her, but she destroyed what we had and that could never be recovered. The trust had gone.

The dynamic of the relationship had changed. No longer could she have gone out with friends etc without me sitting wondering what she was doing and with whom, which had never been the case in the previous 17 years.

I lost my marriage, my best friend, lover and her family. Although truth be told her brother and mum sometimes "sneak" round to see me. I know her mum was utterly gutted when we split.