Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

bobble_hat

...it depends on whose happy ending.

I've been dipping in and out of this thread for some time and wanted to share.

I was with someone for 5 years, we lived together for the last 2 of those years. For almost the last year he was seeing my 'friend'. I found out because she wrote to him at our flat so I read it. All post in a family household is fair game as far as I'm concerned. I moved out that weekend.

I've been in the unfortunate/fortunate (depending on your view point) position for the last 9 years or so, of having to endure their presence at family occasions as he is a long-standing friend of my BIL.

However I am now very happily married with a young family, and they are getting more and more miserable. They are in a house with awful, noisy neighbours right through the wall. I have a detached house in a lovely village. He is more abusive to her than he was to me, even physically (my brother does their plumbing and has witnessed the arguments, and my sister has seen the pushing into the road and shouting on nights out), he's still an aggressive alcoholic. They are not married and don't seem to have any plans to be.

So they are not happy but I'm so content it's frightening.

I never sought revenge, I was always polite to them because I was always at my family's homes when seeing them (and would not make my family uncomfortable), and on two occasions family weddings (one for a whole week in a villa in Ibiza)!!

I have a small sense of smugness that she came along and forced me to leave, and is in the situation that I was in then, of being almost too low in self-esteem to leave a destructive relationship. I know they have both strayed. And I know that he is deeply unhappy and even questioning his own sexuality! My family talk.

So 'Does an affair ever have a happy ending?' It did for me as the injured party, but it did not for those having the affair.

In my opinion affairs are not reality, they are the exciting romantic bits that sit outside real life, and once the two people having the affair start living a real life together the cracks start appearing as the romance dies away and they are left with the moral characteristics of people that would happily have affairs and treat their partners in life with no respect.

Be careful what you wish for, it could come true. :rotfl: :eek:

Caveat: This is all very much my own opinion based on my own experience. My Dad regularly had affairs and we as children were deeply affected by it. I believe this is why, until I met my husband, I ended up in very destructive relationships, because I believed it was normal for married people to hate each other and scream and shout and throw things all the time. I know better now.

gratefulforhelp_2

Lotus-eater wrote: »

You don't know the half of it

I believe you:eek:

[QUOTE=bobble_hat;47868179
In my opinion affairs are not reality, they are the exciting romantic bits that sit outside real life, and once the two people having the affair start living a real life together the cracks start appearing as the romance dies away and they are left with the moral characteristics of people that would happily have affairs and treat their partners in life with no respect. [/QUOTE]

Well put.

Greenteanlemon

I don't mean to sound like the meanie here, but no one else seems to have said it.

You sound like you have some brains in between your ears, so I think it's safe to assume that you are aware that what you are doing would destroy an innocent women if she found out. But it is blindingly obvious you don't care about her. When you ask the question 'Will it have a happy ending?', you're not referring to his wife or children - you're talking about you! Poor, poor you.

You must be aware that whether or not his family find out, you have already irretrievably damaged their (already frail) marriage. You should be ashamed of yourself.

It has been suggested on this post that you have low self esteem - Something you have contested. I agree with you. I imagine you are probably feeling fairly smug about yourself. Like you must possess some magical, enticing quality that she doesn't have. Like you must somehow be special.

But you're not special. You're simply different to what he has right now. If you saw each other every day, you would become mundane and boring too - Just like his wife.

So will this situation have a happy ending for you? I honestly hope not. I hope that you will experience all the pain and anguish that you have inevitably inflicted on her - and that afterwards you will understand the consequences of your actions.


I feel I should point out at the end of this rather brutal post, that when I was 21 years old I set my sights on a 29 year old man in a long term (9 years, I believe?) relationship with his girlfriend. I worked my magical charm, and in 6 months time he had left her. I broke up with him about 18 months later. It was hardly surprising - I always knew he was never 'the one' for me.

It makes no difference that they were very obviously not meant to be. It makes no difference to me that she is happily married now. It doesn't make me feel any better about the gut-wrenching situation I put her through, simply because I wanted what was hers. Sometimes I want to write to her and apologise, but that would be so selfish. To bring back all those memories, simply for the sake of relieving my guilt?

No. I'm not as selfish now as I was back then. My guilt is mine to bear, and I deserve worse for what I did.

What really makes me feel a bit ill reading your posts, is that you don't even seem to feel guilty.

I am begging you to learn from my mistake. If you have even a shred of decency in you, this can't ever have a happy ending. Even if you got what you think you want, you will struggle to forgive yourself for years to come.

If you don't have that shred of dignity, then to hell with you. She deserves better.

gratefulforhelp_2

vickylouise that was what started me posting really, shock that people seemed so blase about affairs.

kazmc

vickylouise - fantastic post :T

I posted on this thread right at the very beginning my thoughts and am not surprised in the slightest that PTN hasnt been back recently to update us all. She NEVER had any intention of letting him go......

nickyhutch

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

Well put.

But not always the case.

nickyhutch

vickylouise87 wrote: »

But you're not special. You're simply different to what he has right now. If you saw each other every day, you would become mundane and boring too - Just like his wife.

Again, not always the case.

GettingItRight

Drop him!!!

Chances are you are fulfilling a fantasy for him, which he does not want to change. As a man, that is my thought. Unless he hates his wife, I see you have no chance, but then again I do not know the guy involved.

Would be easier to move on I´d have thought.

Edit: Oh I only just realised how old the first post was, sorry

Greenteanlemon

nickyhutch wrote: »

Again, not always the case.

Not always, but in most cases. The exceptions to this are few and far between. Yet every mistress seems to think that her situation is special.

purpletoenails

vickylouise87 wrote: »

I don't mean to sound like the meanie here, but no one else seems to have said it.

You sound like you have some brains in between your ears, so I think it's safe to assume that you are aware that what you are doing would destroy an innocent women if she found out. But it is blindingly obvious you don't care about her. When you ask the question 'Will it have a happy ending?', you're not referring to his wife or children - you're talking about you! Poor, poor you. I'm not actually destroying anyone, seeing as I don;t know his wife, have never met her, and have no feelings towards her one way or the other.

You must be aware that whether or not his family find out, you have already irretrievably damaged their (already frail) marriage. You should be ashamed of yourself. Again it isn't me that has destroyed their already frail marriage, likewise I'm not the cause of it being 'frail'

It has been suggested on this post that you have low self esteem - Something you have contested. I agree with you. I imagine you are probably feeling fairly smug about yourself. Like you must possess some magical, enticing quality that she doesn't have. Like you must somehow be special. Nope not feeling smug or nor feeling particularly special. Perhaps you felt smug and special when you were busy enticing a man away from his wife, knowing full well that your relationship wasn't going to be long term,but I can sssure you that I don't.

But you're not special. You're simply different to what he has right now. If you saw each other every day, you would become mundane and boring too - Just like his wife. The same could be said in any relationship.

So will this situation have a happy ending for you? I honestly hope not. I hope that you will experience all the pain and anguish that you have inevitably inflicted on her - and that afterwards you will understand the consequences of your actions. I haven't 'inflicted' anything on her with 'my actions'


I feel I should point out at the end of this rather brutal post, that when I was 21 years old I set my sights on a 29 year old man in a long term (9 years, I believe?) relationship with his girlfriend. I worked my magical charm, and in 6 months time he had left her. I broke up with him about 18 months later. It was hardly surprising - I always knew he was never 'the one' for me. So why were you pursuing him in the first place?

It makes no difference that they were very obviously not meant to be. It makes no difference to me that she is happily married now. It doesn't make me feel any better about the gut-wrenching situation I put her through, simply because I wanted what was hers. Sometimes I want to write to her and apologise, but that would be so selfish. To bring back all those memories, simply for the sake of relieving my guilt?

No. I'm not as selfish now as I was back then. My guilt is mine to bear, and I deserve worse for what I did.

What really makes me feel a bit ill reading your posts, is that you don't even seem to feel guilty. Ermm I'm not sure why you would think that, of course I feel guilty.

I am begging you to learn from my mistake. If you have even a shred of decency in you, this can't ever have a happy ending. Even if you got what you think you want, you will struggle to forgive yourself for years to come.

If you don't have that shred of dignity, then to hell with you. She deserves better.

Thank you for sharing your experience, I feel mine is slightly different as it's not something I'm taking lightly, I'm not trying to entice him away from his wife. That's a decision for him to make, not me. It's not just a game I'm playing. If I didn't feel that there was a possibility of a long term relationship then I wouldn't have ended up in this situation to start with.