Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

purpletoenails

shellsuit wrote: »

Do you know his wife then? (I remember you said you'd been friends with the guy for much longer than you've been 'seeing' him).

No I dont know her personally

ceridwen

purpletoenails wrote: »

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Okay, I can see that you are struggling to understand why his wife should know. I understand why people think she needs to know, however it is not my place to tell her [/QUOTE]



Maybe I am being stupid, but if he has no intention of leaving, and it also suits her to continue living as they have been, I can't see how it would be of any benefit to her, and certainly of no benefit to the children, to know that he has been spending time with someone else?

I understand why you think like this - but...when anyone that one is strongly involved with (be it husband/best friend/employer/whoever) is thinking/believing/acting in a different way to what one is taking for granted they are doing - then one has a right to know. This is because they are a different sort of person - with a different sort of way of thinking/feeling/acting - to what one thinks they are.

What can I give as an example? Well - to me personally no Government is ever ever ever going to drag me into supporting one of their wars (no matter in however minor a way) because I really very strongly indeed do NOT believe in war as a method of solving problems. So - if I was heavily involved with anyone (be it husband/be it best friend/whoever) and then found them actively supporting this sort of thing - then that would mean they would be a very different sort of person to what I had chosen to have whatever level of relationship with. They would not be the person I thought they were and I would not want to know them anymore and I would appreciate knowing this was what they were like before the "relationship" (be it a marriage or a friendship) went any further.

On a different tack - my automatic assumption is that anyone I know is basically an honest "upright" citizen. If they were actually a thief - then I would wish/need to know - because they would be very different to what I thought they were. Even if they wouldnt dream of stealing from me or mine - they would not be someone I wished to know and I would appreciate being told about the thefts they had done - so I could throw them straight out of my life and have nothing further to do with them.

Obviously - someone who thinks fighting wars is okay/thinks thieving is okay wouldnt get rid of the person concerned from their life. But some people would - and I am one of them.

We all have different ways of acting/beliefs etc that matter to us personally - even if we are in the minority on this - and would not wish to act in a way that did not match that (ie keep on knowing someone else who was so different to ourselves - even if everyone else thought they were perfectly okay).

Ultimately - NO-ONE but no-one knows what goes on deep in the hearts of anyone except the person themselves..

So - the wife does have the right to know - so she can arrange her life accordingly. She might decide to stay with him...she might decide to leave him...but she has the right to know the facts (so that she doesnt choose a different option to what she would otherwise choose - because she is in ignorance of the facts).

shellsuit

purpletoenails wrote: »

No I dont know her personally

Then you only know of her and what she's like through her husband, who could be saying anything for the sake of it?

CH27

shellsuit wrote: »

Then you only know of her and what she's like through her husband, who could be saying anything for the sake of it?

Who will say anything to get his leg over & some TLC.

Wickedkitten

purpletoenails wrote: »

Okay here’s what happened yesterday. I’m not sure if I did the ‘right’ thing, or whether the majority of posters on here will approve, but what’s done is done and I will now have to see what happens next.

I was with him for about 10 hours, we chatted, had a few beers, food, and walked for miles. The conversation that I had with him lasted around 30-45 minutes as I did not want to spoil the whole day by going round in circles talking about it, nor did I see any benefit to labouring the point once I’d said what I wanted to say.

I told him that I was feeling unsatisfied with the relationship as it stands and that although I do love him, it is no longer enough for me, and while I fully understood the situation he is in, he needs to make a decision one way or another as to whether we have a future together on a more permanent basis. I have asked him to seriously think about this before the next time we meet (and depending on what he has to say, I will decide to hang in there or walk away) He is due to go away on his holidays shortly afterwards so I think that if the decision is to end things, it will be easier to stick to knowing that it will be very difficult to contact each other for several weeks.

I know this probably wasn’t what some people hoped would happen, but I didn’t want to put him on the spot to try and get an immediate answer.

You are giving him entirely too much power by letting him make the decisions. You're only 42, do you really want to waste any more of your life on someone that can't give you 100%?

purpletoenails

shellsuit wrote: »

Then you only know of her and what she's like through her husband, who could be saying anything for the sake of it?

CH27 wrote: »

Who will say anything to get his leg over & some TLC.

I knew this a good 2 years before he had a leg over!!

denton6

Wickedkitten wrote: »

You are giving him entirely too much power by letting him make the decisions. You're only 42, do you really want to waste any more of your life on someone that can't give you 100%?

my god you are the same age as me, i was the wife that got dumped for someone like you. you should be ashamed what an example you are setting to your children. my ex broke mine and our 4 boys hearts by what he did and none of us will ever be able to foirgive him for what he put us through.

shellsuit

purpletoenails wrote: »

I knew this a good 2 years before he had a leg over!!

Which is what most guys say when they want a bit of attention from another woman.

If I were in your shoes back then, before anything had happened, my advice would have been to have left his wife, so that they both could have had a chance of happiness with someone else. :cool:

purpletoenails

Wickedkitten wrote: »

You are giving him entirely too much power by letting him make the decisions. You're only 42, do you really want to waste any more of your life on someone that can't give you 100%?

No which is why I had the conversation with him yesterday - if he decides he's not going to make a commitment, then I will be deciding to walk away.

purpletoenails

shellsuit wrote: »

Which is what most guys say when they want a bit of attention from another woman.

If I were in your shoes back then, before anything had happened, my advice would have been to have left his wife, so that they both could have had a chance of happiness with someone else. :cool:

I fully agree that in an ideal world this would happen, however people do stay in relationships for a variety of reasons