Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

MrsAtobe

First, a bit of background so that you know where I am coming from.

My parents were divorced when I was before I was 10, after my father had an affair whilst on regular work visits to a different part of the country. My two siblings are both much older than me, one had just started Uni. My father moved out, and carried on his affair, eventually marrying the woman with whom he was having the affair. His children were not invited to the ceremony, in fact we only found out he was married when he got back from their honeymoon and turned up with presents. Over the years, my father has not bothered to maintain proper contact with any of us, despite best efforts on our part. This has been more difficult for my elder siblings, as they now have children who do not see their grandfather. Are he and his new wife happy? I have no idea and quite frankly, I could not care less. I really cannot bring myself to call this woman my stepmother, in fact I’ve never ever thought of her in that way. The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference and this is truly what I feel for my father now. He is an irrelevance in my life.

OP, you say that you love this man. Even if he does leave his wife for you, is this the sort of future that you want for him? That his children couldn’t give two hoots and a holler about him? This is potentially what you and he are heading for. Please, as other posters have asked, stop being so selfish and put a stop to the affair now, as much for his sake as for his wife and children’s.

janninew

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I do not think it is for the OP to tell the wife, it is for the husband to do that. If it were me I would not want to be told by the 'other woman' that would be so much more hurtful IMO.

I would have hated to hear that my husband was having an affair from his mistress, she would have loved to tell me and gloated about it.

I wonder if the wife knows deep down? I certainly knew almost straight away that something was amiss when my ex was cheating, I did a bit of digging and found out and confronted him. The affair only went on for a fortnight before I found out.

If you have a close relationship I can't understand how you wouldn't know something was amiss with your partner, but that's just my opinion.

FatVonD

janninew wrote: »

I wonder if the wife knows deep down?

I can see there might be situations where that might be the case but he has been very, very careful. He only sees the OP once every three weeks, (during the day taking leave from work.) They have never had a weekend away and unless I've missed something they don't ever go out in the evening. Those aren't the actions of a man that is risking the chance of his wife to finding out, those are the actions of an (admittedly straying) husband who is very much married and fully intends to stay that way!

purpletoenails

FatVonD wrote: »

I agree that the vast majority of the blame lies at the spouse's feet but but what I find really galling is the OP's lack of empathy for the poor wife and I suppose really the selfishness of it all. I do have empathy with his wife

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Okay, I can see that you are struggling to understand why his wife should know. I understand why people think she needs to know, however it is not my place to tell her [/QUOTE]

MrsAtobe wrote: »

OP, you say that you love this man. Even if he does leave his wife for you, is this the sort of future that you want for him? No, I would like him and his children to be happy

Maybe I am being stupid, but if he has no intention of leaving, and it also suits her to continue living as they have been, I can't see how it would be of any benefit to her, and certainly of no benefit to the children, to know that he has been spending time with someone else?

euronorris

purpletoenails wrote: »

Maybe I am being stupid, but if he has no intention of leaving, and it also suits her to continue living as they have been, I can't see how it would be of any benefit to her, and certainly of no benefit to the children, to know that he has been spending time with someone else?

It's not about being of benefit to her. It's about her right to be in posession of all the facts, so that she can make an informed decision about what to do.

By keeping her in the dark, you (as in both of you) are taking that away from her and essentially deciding for her. Neither of you have any right to do that.

purpletoenails

FatVonD wrote: »

I can see there might be situations where that might be the case but he has been very, very careful. He only sees the OP once every three weeks, (during the day taking leave from work.) They have never had a weekend away and unless I've missed something they don't ever go out in the evening. Those aren't the actions of a man that is risking the chance of his wife to finding out, those are the actions of an (admittedly straying) husband who is very much married and fully intends to stay that way!

Yes he has been very careful, of course he would be. We do spend time together in the evenings on the days we see each other.

CH27

purpletoenails wrote: »

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Okay, I can see that you are struggling to understand why his wife should know. I understand why people think she needs to know, however it is not my place to tell her [/QUOTE]



Maybe I am being stupid, but if he has no intention of leaving, and it also suits her to continue living as they have been, I can't see how it would be of any benefit to her, and certainly of no benefit to the children, to know that he has been spending time with someone else?

How do you know it suits her to carry on living as they have been?
You & your bit on the side have duped & deceived her for 2 1/2 yrs!
You have no idea how hard she may be working to keep her marriage going.
You have no idea how unhappy she may be if she feels her husband is not totally commited to the marriage.

I think you are both cruel & I think you should be ashamed of yourselves!

candygirl

purpletoenails wrote: »

Yes he has been very careful, of course he would be. We do spend time together in the evenings on the days we see each other.

Did you resolve anything yesterday, or are you carrying on as you were?:D:D

Errata

purpletoenails wrote: »

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Okay, I can see that you are struggling to understand why his wife should know. I understand why people think she needs to know, however it is not my place to tell her [/QUOTE]



Maybe I am being stupid, but if he has no intention of leaving, and it also suits her to continue living as they have been, I can't see how it would be of any benefit to her, and certainly of no benefit to the children, to know that he has been spending time with someone else?

How would it benefit her to know? For a start she could get herself checked out at the STI clinic.
If you understand why people think she needs to know, there's nothing to prevent you sending her an anonymous letter - if you feel she should know what kind of sleaze she's married to. But I guess you won't want to do that; it would capsize what appears to be a cozy little set up.
I'm truly amazed that you think you know everything about their married life. Unless you're living in their airing cupboard you only know what he chooses to tell you and frankly he's not going to tell you they're at it like knives every Friday night is he.

plumpmouse

If you had empathy and wanted his children to be happy you would walk away!!!!!!!!

Either wait till he is single or find yourself a fella who isn't married.

You do not/ have not taken his wife and children's feeling into consideration at all.

Your actions are selfish thinking only of yourself