Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

lostinrates

SaLoGo wrote: »

Perhaps some of the men (and women) we've spoke about in this thread would benefit from this... https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3520253

If it were possible to take emotion out of it marriage is a contract that usually involves financial arrangements that can impact on both for always, even after a disolvement of the contract. from an unemotional pov frustration of that contract always put the blame on soley the adulterer I guess (I'm not a contract law expert).

POPPYOSCAR

layton55 wrote: »

poppyoscar, don't we all open ourselves up to hurt in every relationship we enter though? that's the risk we take when we put trust in another isn't it?

Yes that is very true. But if you are entering into a relationship with a married man, as I said ,you are leaving yourself open to hurt knowing that he will be going home to his family, not being there for you and possibly not leaving his wife. I am not judging you for this, just saying that as you have put yourself in this position I have understanding but not sympathy.

lostinrates

layton55 wrote: »

poppyoscar, don't we all open ourselves up to hurt in every relationship we enter though? that's the risk we take when we put trust in another isn't it?

yes, but not to hurt another. That's what makes an adulterous relationship different: in a relationship in other circumstances you open yourself to the potential to be hurt, in an adulterous one there is from the outset that someone, hopefully - from pov of the ''adulterers'' the ''cheated upon'' will be hurt.

layton55

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Yes that is very true. But if you are entering into a relationship with a married man, as I said ,you are leaving yourself open to hurt knowing that he will be going home to his family, not being there for you and possibly not leaving his wife. I am not judging you for this, just saying that as you have put yourself in this position I have understanding but not sympathy.

i have no sympathy for me either. deserve whatever's coming i really do get that.

lostinrates

layton55 wrote: »

i have no sympathy for me either. deserve whatever's coming i really do get that.

is contradictory when put in context of saying earlier:

refusing to admit it's over and putting up with disrespect, betrayal and pain they say they go through. and for what? or yourselves? are you too afraid to move on? to be alone? to depend on yourself? i think they're the questions you need to answer for yourselves, no need to share on here.

What you are discribing is all of the above to you, without the other things you mention of children, investment in a Longer term relationship than your affair and financial arrangements that could and usually do reach right through to pensions.

Thus, I feel back at the point in the circle where I wonder why you don't take your own advice and see that the wife could feel everything you feel emotionally PLUS the other considerations...why should she roll over if that is the case?

You talk about self respect being gone from all parties, and include the wife, but by your own admission and where you aren't talking about self respect directly its clear this is impacting on yours.

layton55

lostinrates wrote: »

is contradictory when put in context of saying earlier:





What you are discribing is all of the above to you, without the other things you mention of children, investment in a Longer term relationship than your affair and financial arrangements that could and usually do reach right through to pensions.

Thus, I feel back at the point in the circle where I wonder why you don't take your own advice and see that the wife could feel everything you feel emotionally PLUS the other considerations...why should she roll over if that is the case?

You talk about self respect being gone from all parties, and include the wife, but by your own admission and where you aren't talking about self respect directly its clear this is impacting on yours.

i'm taking my own advice very soon, on the deadline i have set for myself. i'm not saying she should roll over. walking away isn't rolling over just to be clear either. but when she gets to the point where she can't take it anymore that's when she needs to do it. i know it's easier said than done. my mother didn't walk away because she didn't have the strength and for all the reasons you say - kids, finance. how i wish she did though. she is stronger than she knows. she could have done it.

POPPYOSCAR

layton, why do you not just let him go?

If he comes to you after having left his wife and is free to be with you, is that not the test of your relationship?

Why does there have to be a set period of time where he tries to make his marriage work? I just don't get that.

clearingout

layton55 wrote: »

delusional is the women who cling onto their marriage for dear life, refusing to admit it's over and putting up with disrespect, betrayal and pain they say they go through. and for what? the kids? or yourselves? are you too afraid to move on? to be alone? to depend on yourself? how much is it really for the kids? i think they're the questions you need to answer for yourselves, no need to share on here.

"In the meantime, that poor woman and his children are living in a veritable purgatory" - yes they are, as am I but as adults, me and the W have control of our own lives and decisions. she doesn't need to wait for him to decide whether he wants to be with her. she can decide what she wants anytime. but i'm a bit tired of all the sympathy the betrayed wives/mothers who know about the affair/s their husbands have had get to be honest. you have a choice to do the right thing by yourself and your children. no one is making you stay with a person whom you don't trust, has hurt you, betrayed you. makes you unhappy. so don't. leave.

not that easy a decision huh? well, if you do decide to stay 'because of the children' and you wake up one day and they're grown and flown the nest and you're left in a loveless, unhappy, meaningless marriage, resenting your partner and them you - tell yourself then that you didn't make a 'mistake'. tell yourself then that you did the right thing by your kids. personally i think kids are just as much an excuse for the cheater as it is the betrayed. they're treated like a bargaining tool which is sad. growing up in a household where parents resent each other and surpress that resentment is not great. kids pick that up and i promise you your kids won't benefit from that unless you're pro-hollywood actors acting your asses off in front of them. but then what a lesson that is to teach your kids! put on brave face and don't be true to your feelings, pretend you're alright when you're not. i don't think any of you would want your kids to think that.

As you have quoted me in this response, I feel compelled to reply. I am not a woman who hung onto her marriage - my rings were off within days of realising what was going on (something my ex couldn't understand but why on earth would I wear the ring of a man who had betrayed me?) and I never had him back in my home or tried to reconcile in any way with him. I would certainly have never have stood by him 'for the sake of the children'. I would suggest that my self -esteem is about as high as self-esteem comes - very much in contrast to the woman he left me for who is willing to believe his very obvious lies and put up with his anger and abuse. Indeed, she is a woman who took a holiday with my ex, a year after he had left me, to the very same hotel we got married at, on the other side of the world and he told a friend of ours that he 'wanted to return to where it all started as he'd made such a mess of it all'. You can read into that what you will, but personally, I would never, ever knowingly accompany a man I was in a romantic relationship with on such a pilgrimage. About a year ago, my ex asked me why I hadn't fought for him - whilst I'm not entirely sure what he meant by this, when I shrugged my shoulders and asked him 'fight for what? an adulterer so that I can be in a relationship for the rest of my life with someone I can never trust' he simply looked at me blankly. He didn't get it. I'm not sure he ever will.

Our marriage was dead. And whilst it took me a while to understand that and come to terms with it, it doesn't make the pain of betrayal any easier to deal with. All he had to do was end it with me and let me get on with my life. But even now, 3 years later, he is constantly yapping at my heels, refusing to totally let go of me, as if we're somehow connected by a piece of fraying elastic which refuses to snap. That's not my doing - I am perfectly content with how things have panned out. I wouldn't say I'm happy, but I'm not unhappy. I haven't yet moved into a new relationship but that's by choice rather than anything else. I have worked incredibly hard on me, my future, my children's futures. I know where I'm going and I know how hard it is going to be to get there. And that makes it all the more exciting to now be on this path. And it is exciting because I know I have made my peace with what happened, why it happened and what I need to do to avoid it happening again.

Perhaps when you have given so much of your life to a person, have shared with them many highs and low's - planning a wedding and a future, gaining qualifications, job promotions, first house buying, first pregnancy and baby's kicking, birth of a child, watching a child grow, first nativity play.....you will begin to understand why people who have been betrayed (and indeed, those who are doing the betraying) struggle to let go of something that logically they know is dead. It has little to do with poor self-esteem or even fear of being alone. It's as simple as having your life shattered into millions of tiny pieces and indicative of the time it takes to pick all those pieces up and shape them into something worth having. It's a crucial step in understanding, coming to terms with things and ultimately in healing. If you miss that step - as many, many adulterers do - you face a very, very uncertain future.

purpletoenails

Just a quick post really, It felt as though the thread was going to degenerate again, so I felt it was best to keep away for a few days. I'm pleased to see it has gone back to a mainly sensible discussion and is carrying on without any input from me, which is just as well as I don't have any interesting updates to report!

I think what is I find so difficult is the fact that I can see the opinions of most of the posters on this thread, and in many cases fully agree with them, but it is hard when somebody is totally unable to see things from any angle but their own. I think it is possible to understand others viewpoints without having to necessarily agree with them yourself.

Considering the amount of people who have affairs outside of marriage, that's an awful big chunk of the population to be labelling as sleazy or slappers or horrible people that you could not be friends with.

The posters who have called me a slapper and say that I can't keep my knickers on and am quite happy to jump in bed with any bloke couldn't be any more wrong. Then someone went on to say because I am not sleeping with this man every 5 minutes, then he must therefore have another mistress that he is going to for sex!!! I'm also pretty sure I've never said his wife was a nag or materialistic. That's what I meant about the vivid imagination of some of the posters!

layton55

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

layton, why do you not just let him go?

If he comes to you after having left his wife and is free to be with you, is that not the test of your relationship?

Why does there have to be a set period of time where he tries to make his marriage work? I just don't get that.

I have tried to. But because of the way it was left (see post 2964 I wrote) I am baffled as to where his head is at but have not questioned it - giving us both space to get on with our lives and worked under assumption he wants to save his marriage and wants to be with his wife. but i'm realising it's fairly pointless until i hear him utter those words himself. to hear it it is to believe it for me. i haven't set the amount of time for him, only myself. he said he hopes to make the decision very quickly but i told him he can't rush it and it will take as long as it needs to take if he wants to make it work.

and yes - i am totally with you. if he ends up leaving his wife and one day we end up together then that is the true test of the relationship. until that happens i am going to move on with my life too.