Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

lostinrates

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I also think that some people when they marry, think that 'thats it' and that the partner has to put up with them whatever way they are just because they are married. They seem to take exception when it does not work out that way.

I think that can be true, but I am iuncomfortable with leaving a post that can suggest that the cheated on is more to blame. Sometimes perhaps they are just too damn busy feeding kids, going to work managing a house and assuming their life partner is silently there for them.


I'm interested in the idea that by the time an affair happens all parties self respect has gone. I can think of examples in my experience of friends/acquaintances where I don't think that's so but others where I would agree. I still don't feel the cheated on ''deserves'' it and the adulterer is more to blame than anyone.

lostinrates

layton55 wrote: »

but i'm not sat here complaining and wondering what to do. i'm very clear about my next move from the deadline moving forward whichever way it goes. self-respect is already gone for all parties concerned when an affair happens - it's what you do about it that allows you to get it back

If he is in councelling and trying to patch it up has he not reached HIS deadline? If not then can he really say he's really commiting to the patching up process?

victory

I am a bit baffled to be honest layton are you asking us to agree with your way of thinking and then not take ours into consideration?

Not sure how you can see it one way and others disagree but you agree so we should agree with you?

Bubby

layton55 wrote: »

clearly there's a quite a few of you here who don't like to hear the other side of the story. unfortunately they exist whether you want to believe it or not. whilst i can empathise what it might be like to be the cheated W and mother i cannot truly appreciate the pain as I haven't been through it. for those of you who have such a strong opinion about what and who the MM and OW are - it's the same really. you will never truly understand the things they go through unless you've been there yourself so before you jump down anyone's throats who are here to help the people who have posted on this thread looking for help, maybe think twice and don't bother posting if it riles you that much! i'm not as patient as PTN and not about to take this abuse from people who have only one view of the world, theirs.

A bit like cancer;)

POPPYOSCAR

lostinrates wrote: »

I think that can be true, but I am iuncomfortable with leaving a post that can suggest that the cheated on is more to blame. Sometimes perhaps they are just too damn busy feeding kids, going to work managing a house and assuming their life partner is silently there for them.


I'm interested in the idea that by the time an affair happens all parties self respect has gone. I can think of examples in my experience of friends/acquaintances where I don't think that's so but others where I would agree. I still don't feel the cheated on ''deserves'' it and the adulterer is more to blame than anyone.

I do not think the cheated on is more to blame. Sometimes they have done nothing to deserve such treatment and are treated very shabbily to say the least. And yes, the best thing would be for both parties to sit down and discuss their troubles and if a resolution can not be found then to part company - but as said before this is sometimes easier said than done.

I do feel that had my father cheated on my mother then she would have deserved it - sorry but that is the way I feel.

lostinrates

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I do feel that had my father cheated on my mother then she would have deserved it - sorry but that is the way I feel.

My parents are separating now, and I think they both deserve it and it was a long time coming. But dispite any misgiving I have about their relationship (or their apptitude as parents) I still think neither deserved being cheated on. I can't stand my B.i.L. I think he's been extremely damaging to my sister (and in some ways their kids)....but I still don't think he deserves to be cheated on but I sure as hell wish my sister would leave him.

edit: just because I wish my sister would divorce her DH doesn't mean I'm right, just because you feel your mother would have deserved it doesn't mean you are right, and just because layton and PTN are in love doesn't make their actions right. Sometimes we are all wrong. The best we can hope for is to confine our wrongs to thoughts and wishes and minimise their impact on others. IMO. but I may be wrong

layton55

victory wrote: »

I am a bit baffled to be honest layton are you asking us to agree with your way of thinking and then not take ours into consideration?

Not sure how you can see it one way and others disagree but you agree so we should agree with you?

not at all victory i was merely trying to make a point which you've picked up on. and that is that we all have are own and different views of the world when it comes to such a sensitive subject as infidelity and it's all relative to our own experiences.

POPPYOSCAR

I think you have to understand layton that there are a lot of very hurt people on here, some of whom have been treated, and continue to be treated very badly by their ex. For some it is very raw.

layton55

lostinrates wrote: »

If he is in councelling and trying to patch it up has he not reached HIS deadline? If not then can he really say he's really commiting to the patching up process?

very good question. i asked him on the day we decided no contact and that he should try to save his marriage whether:

a) he wanted to save his marriage?
b) did he want to be with his wife?

(verusus just going through the motions to says he's tried everything)

his answer was that he didn't know and couldn't answer. that left me pretty baffled to be honest as i personally don't know how you can save a marriage without saying yes to both questions.

so yes he should have reached his deadline but he said he'd tell me when he comes to the definitive decision. i however won't wait longer than i intend and also won't push him to hurry the decision.

POPPYOSCAR

lostinrates wrote: »

My parents are separating now, and I think they both deserve it and it was a long time coming. But dispite any misgiving I have about their relationship (or their apptitude as parents) I still think neither deserved being cheated on. I can't stand my B.i.L. I think he's been extremely damaging to my sister (and in some ways their kids)....but I still don't think he deserves to be cheated on but I sure as hell wish my sister would leave him.

edit: just because I wish my sister would divorce her DH doesn't mean I'm right, just because you feel your mother would have deserved it doesn't mean you are right, and just because layton and PTN are in love doesn't make their actions right. Sometimes we are all wrong. The best we can hope for is to confine our wrongs to thoughts and wishes and minimise their impact on others. IMO. but I may be wrong

Actually, I think you are right!!!!!!