Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

Errata

purpletoenails wrote: »

You probably meant that to be cutting, but you've just given me the best laugh I've had in days - I won't ask why you see your window cleaner so often, but I sincerely hope he's single

Cutting? No, factual. He cleans my windows every two weeks, and there's no need for you to hope he's single as I know how to keep my knickers on.

purpletoenails

Errata wrote: »

Cutting? No, factual. He cleans my windows every two weeks, and there's no need for you to hope he's single as I know how to keep my knickers on.

Whereas I always walk around with none on , just in case a married man happens to be passing?

meer53

Revenge !! Fantastic feeling. I too arrived at the conclusion that i am quite happy for my EX's GF to have him. She's the one who wonders where he is and what he's doing when he says he's "going to a meeting and will be staying overnight" ! I don't give a toss ! I had his 20's 30's and half his 40's, she's welcome to whats left ! He was a miserable bar steward then, it's only going to get worse and i couldn't be more happy for her, she got what she wanted. I have a good relationship with him now, i have to for my childrens sake, but i know that this really annoys the GF (he's not allowed to speak to me when he's at home with her, how childish. If one of my kids is ill, i have to text him, then he "pops" out to phone me !) They've been together 9 years, she still doesnt trust him !

Be careful OP, it might not be the happy ending you're looking for. How could you ever trust him ? Could you live your life like this ?

POPPYOSCAR

plumpmouse wrote: »

Surely it is better to end one relationship before the other. Your Dad didn't need to have an affair to leave your Mum

Yes of course it would in a perfect world but it is not always possible is it.

My dad would never leave my mother because he was a catholic and did not believe in divorce,( or having an affair for that matter) he also would not have been able to for financial reasons, but the point I was making was that as a teenager I would not have been devastated if he had 'gone off with someone else' in fact I would have understood and I would have been glad for him.

purpletoenails

tizerbelle wrote: »

@ purpletoenails - you ask if an affair can have an happy ending. What do you mean by a happy ending?

For the man you are seeing the happy ending could well be that he has his family life with his wife and kids and sees you every 2/3 weeks for the next 10 years and never gets found out until the day he decides he's had enough of you and wants to trade you in for a newer model but keep the family life at home in tact. That could well be his happy ending.

Your happy ending could be you carry on as you are and it never goes any further than that but it would only be your happy ending if that's what you want. Or it could be that your happy ending is he turns up on your doorstep one day and says I've left her, I want you and you live happily ever after. (This would in my opinion be a fairy-tale i.e. it's not going to happen)

You have to decide what you want - not what you feel about him - what you actually want for your life.

Do you want a sh*g buddy (which is essentially what you have) where the relationship goes no further than that, ever. Do you want a soul-mate to share your life with?

You have to decide what you want and then go out and get it - which means telling him, this is what I want for my life. Do you want to be part of it (assuming you want him in it). If his answer is no, then end the relationship immediately, no hard feelings, no going back (ever). If his answer is yes, then it's ultimatum time - you have 3 months to leave your wife and start afresh with me. If he doesn't meet the deadline, then it's end of relationship, no excuses, no second chances.

You might decide that your happy ending is actually a new man in your life, someone who is available for you. In that case tell him now and end the relationship. Don't keep it going till you find the "one".

Sorry, I only just noticed your post. Very sensible and thought provoking, thank you

Person_one

purpletoenails wrote: »

It's HIS place to tell her, not mine. Do you seriously expect me to turn up on her doorstep and announce myself? What good would that do to anyone involved?

In a perfect world he'd be the one to tell her, but its clearly not going to happen is it?

If I was married and my husband had been having an affair for two and a half years, I'd want to know no matter where or who the information came from. By withholding this information from her both of you are basically making her life a big fantasy.

If you knew your friend's or your sister's or your daughter's husband was cheating would you keep schtum because its not your place?

I understand that the moment of actually telling her would be incredibly scary, awkward and nerve wracking, but let's be honest, you aren't telling her because it suits you not to tell her, nothing to do with any sense of what is the 'right thing to do'.

purpletoenails

Person_one wrote: »

In a perfect world he'd be the one to tell her, but its clearly not going to happen is it?

If I was married and my husband had been having an affair for two and a half years, I'd want to know no matter where or who the information came from. By withholding this information from her both of you are basically making her life a big fantasy.

If you knew your friend's or your sister's or your daughter's husband was cheating would you keep schtum because its not your place?

I understand that the moment of actually telling her would be incredibly scary, awkward and nerve wracking, but let's be honest, you aren't telling her because it suits you not to tell her, nothing to do with any sense of what is the 'right thing to do'.

I'm still not sure what good it would do her to know? If, as most people on here assume, he is only using me and will never leave her, then whats the point in her knowing?

purplepardalis

Mine has ended happily with all parties better off than they were and everyone living much more contented lives. However, the initial situation and circumstances were very different to the OPs and there was no stringing it out over 2 years

Person_one

purpletoenails wrote: »

I'm still not sure what good it would do her to know? If, as most people on here assume, he is only using me and will never leave her, then whats the point in her knowing?

Erm, she might decide she wants to leave him once she knows what he is! Why would you assume she'd just meekly carry on in the marriage as long as he wasn't planning to leave?

purpletoenails

Person_one wrote: »

Erm, she might decide she wants to leave him once she knows what he is! Why would you assume she'd just meekly carry on in the marriage as long as he wasn't planning to leave?

Why do you assume she is better off knowing? What's the point in upsettng her for no reason? I'm not spiteful or vengeful, if he decides that after all, he wants to remain where he is, then it's up to him to tell her if he wants to.