Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

purpletoenails

paddy's_mum wrote: »

The existence of 2 (presumably) youngish children would suggest that the marriage is not the cold and unrewarding one the husband would have you believe. The oldest child is at university, the youngest will be starting A levels this year

You have no evidence whatsoever that his home life is barren and unhappy. If it was so desperate, so stultifying, so lacking in affection, he would have told her and taken steps to end the marriage ... for his own sake! Perhaps, but perhaps not

If you think she just needs the gentlest of nudges to decide that the marriage isn't worth salvaging, why not drop her a line and ask her what she thinks about the present situation and how best to resolve the difficulties. It's not my place to tell her and nor would I, under any circumstances

If he wants to end the marriage and be with me, then that's his decision

Errata

purpletoenails wrote: »

You're right I do have conflicting feelings. I can't carry on as I am, so I do need to know what his long term intentions are. I might not like the answer, but I know I do have to find out.

Good luck with that. He can tell you anything he thinks will keep you pacified.

purpletoenails

caledonian_princess wrote: »

Leaving aside the morality of affairs for a moment, I wonder how you could be happy being treated this way by any man. It seems to me that you fit in around his life, when it suits him then you can meet up? We meet when it is convenient to both of us If it isn't too personal a question, what do you do? Find a room? Nope, as I have said before we haven't been up to much of that. The few times it has happened has been when he's visiting me and there's been no one in at my house I'm sorry but from here it all seems a little tawdry - don't you deserve better than this? Yes, and i'd like more than that too

As for affairs, well, my Mum had one when I was 16 and left my Dad. I was devastated at the time - called her some names that even now I blush to recall but with the benefit of maturity and some distance I can see that it was the best decision for all concerned. My Mum married the other man and stayed with him until he died. My Dad met a lovely woman and also remarried. My sister and me, after a tumultuous month or two, got on with our lives. Affairs do cause a lot of emotional upheaval and unhappiness but the long term outcome doesn't necessarily need to be a bad one.

I'm pleased your parents went on to live happy lives with their new partners

purpletoenails

a1969baby wrote: »

Good luck OP, not everyone on here thinks youre a deluded STI ridden harlot who is trying to steal someone elses man. I hope things work out for you and you find happiness whatever decision you make

Thank you

Gingham_R

purpletoenails wrote: »

You're right I do have conflicting feelings. I can't carry on as I am, so I do need to know what his long term intentions are. I might not like the answer, but I know I do have to find out.

I don't mean to be dense, but why do you have to find out what HIS long term intentions are? What are YOURS?

justmel

purpletoenails wrote: »

You're right I do have conflicting feelings. I can't carry on as I am, so I do need to know what his long term intentions are. I might not like the answer, but I know I do have to find out.

I would be more concerned with his short term intentions to be honest,you could spend years listening to excuses and waiting for him to leave.

Are you really happy with the possibilty of waiting for all that time only to be in the exact same position years from now?

If you want to be with him you do have to lay your cards on the table,you have to mean it too and be prepared to walk away if he isn't commited to leaving his marriage in the near future.

Gingham_R

Sally42 wrote: »

My husband had a three and a half year affair. He promised her the world, and on the basis of this, she had his baby. He didn't leave me, had no intentions of doing so. She was a convenient physical repository, someone to talk to, someone who thought that the sun shone out of his backside, and he basked in the adulation. When push came to shove, he chose to stay with me. I chose to allow him to do so. I did, however, keep in contact with his mistress, as much to get answers to my myriad of questions as to keep an eye on her. (she was so smitten that she turned down a chance to emigrate to NZ and made a million and one excuses for him when heir child died without him even bothering to visit her) And, funnily enough, she was shocked when I told her of the affairs he had following the demise of their relationship; she truly thought that she was the one, rather than a convenience.

I am heart sorry for you.

purpletoenails

RadoJo wrote: »

Whatever the situation with his wife, do you not think his kids deserve better? They haven't done anything wrong, and the fact that he is prepared to risk their happiness for an affair suggests that he may not be the stand-up character that he portrays to you. He is a great father, dotes on his children and will do anything for them There is no honour in 'staying together for the kids' if he is risking that sense of security by having an affair - if they do ever find out they will realise that they have been living a lie as well, loving a father who was cheating on them as much as he's cheating on his wife. And you say that he uses his annual leave to see you, in which case that's time that most parents would be spending with their families that he is devoting to you instead. Would you do that to your kids in his situation? He takes time off during the week to see me If you were with your kids' dad, would you consider an affair, even if you knew that it might devastate your children's lives? I'm not in that situation so I can't answer it Affairs are such an emotive subject, and there are always more wrongs and rights on each side than anyone can count, but I'm pretty sure his kids don't deserve a father who sneaks away from them to spend time with someone else.

Since you have mentioned it - what does your son think of the situation? And what would you advise him if he was in your position? They have only met briefly once while we were having coffee in the garden before going out. I do not discuss it with him, but if he was in the position I'm in I would advise him to be very careful not to do anything that he would later regret

I hope that last answer made sense

tizerbelle

@ purpletoenails - you ask if an affair can have an happy ending. What do you mean by a happy ending?

For the man you are seeing the happy ending could well be that he has his family life with his wife and kids and sees you every 2/3 weeks for the next 10 years and never gets found out until the day he decides he's had enough of you and wants to trade you in for a newer model but keep the family life at home in tact. That could well be his happy ending.

Your happy ending could be you carry on as you are and it never goes any further than that but it would only be your happy ending if that's what you want. Or it could be that your happy ending is he turns up on your doorstep one day and says I've left her, I want you and you live happily ever after. (This would in my opinion be a fairy-tale i.e. it's not going to happen)

You have to decide what you want - not what you feel about him - what you actually want for your life.

Do you want a sh*g buddy (which is essentially what you have) where the relationship goes no further than that, ever. Do you want a soul-mate to share your life with?

You have to decide what you want and then go out and get it - which means telling him, this is what I want for my life. Do you want to be part of it (assuming you want him in it). If his answer is no, then end the relationship immediately, no hard feelings, no going back (ever). If his answer is yes, then it's ultimatum time - you have 3 months to leave your wife and start afresh with me. If he doesn't meet the deadline, then it's end of relationship, no excuses, no second chances.

You might decide that your happy ending is actually a new man in your life, someone who is available for you. In that case tell him now and end the relationship. Don't keep it going till you find the "one".

Errata

He may dote on his children, but he won't do anything for them because he won't be loyal to their mother.
It seems to me that he makes sure nobody he knows sees him with you, because you're his little secret. You have made sure your DD knows nothing about him, because that's your little secret.
Do you really want to be part of a relationship that's founded on secrets and lies?