Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

euronorris

BugglyB wrote: »

I didn't say it was OK, I dont think its alright to abuse strangers in the street, please don't swear at me.

My feeling is that he is to blame for the hurt caused to his children and wife.

If we disagree, thats ok.

Huh? I didn't swear. MSE wouldn't let me, even if I tried.

You believe that the OP is completely blameless? How so? He couldn't cheat on his wife, with her, if she didn't enter into the relationship in the first place. She does have a part to play in all this, and as such, is responsible for some of the hurt and pain caused by it.

That's an inescapable fact. I don't know how you can argue otherwise.

FBaby

Gingham_R wrote: »

What's in it for you? Please don't say 'love' because that isn't love. Love is making sure the other person's needs are important to you. It's about being honest and having integrity and being there when you are needed. It's about him holding your hair back when you're sick and kissing you when he wakes up each morning. It's about laughing and crying together and holding hands when things get hard.

I've clearly been missing something, i thought these attributes were only available in fairy tales, or to those very very lucky people who happen to fall into perfect relationships!!

My partner and I love each other, but the whole thing about honesty, integrity and needs is something we are working towards together, not something that has fallen into our hands and that we take for granted.

In any case, nothing to do with affairs, neither of us had ever had one (although my partner was cheated on by his wife, she left, now married with a baby with new partner!) and never been something to worry about on either side but to think that unless you have all this secured in a relationship, you can't mention the word 'love' is to me a bit extreme...

FBaby

cyclingyorkie wrote: »

i haven't read the whole thread - but isn't there a saying along the lines of when a man marries his mistress he creates a job vacancy?

Ha ha, yes, i took the job and will be forever thankful for the ex for cheating on my partner. It did hit him hard then, but now says that he is so grateful she did as otherwise he would never have met me and we wouldn't be together.

Gingham_R

FBaby wrote: »

In any case, nothing to do with affairs, neither of us had ever had one (although my partner was cheated on by his wife, she left, now married with a baby with new partner!) and never been something to worry about on either side but to think that unless you have all this secured in a relationship, you can't mention the word 'love' is to me a bit extreme...

I didn't say you needed all of it - I was saying what love is - not that I had a tick box list!

We have these things in our marriage but they didn't fall into our laps, we don't take them for granted, I do consider myself very lucky, but I don't think we have a 'perfect' relationship. We have a very ordinary marriage, where we both make an effort to treat each other properly.

It's NOT love if he wanders from one woman to another while keeping it a secret. And a person who can put his children in the firing line for that amount of hurt isn't really behaving like he loves them either.

BugglyB

euronorris wrote: »

Huh? I didn't swear. MSE wouldn't let me, even if I tried.

You believe that the OP is completely blameless? How so? He couldn't cheat on his wife, with her, if she didn't enter into the relationship in the first place. She does have a part to play in all this, and as such, is responsible for some of the hurt and pain caused by it.

That's an inescapable fact. I don't know how you can argue otherwise.

No, I think its completely his fault. If she had a husband and children she would be completely responsible for any pain caused to them.

When it comes down to it, he is the one who will have to face his children and his wife, he is responsible for letting them down.

I don't allow any of this 'oh I couldn't help myself, she/he tempted me away' rubbish. Cheating partner is completely responsible.

Sorry if you didn't swear - I took sh't to mean, well, another word I can't write on here. Was I mistaken?

RadoJo

Whatever the situation with his wife, do you not think his kids deserve better? They haven't done anything wrong, and the fact that he is prepared to risk their happiness for an affair suggests that he may not be the stand-up character that he portrays to you. There is no honour in 'staying together for the kids' if he is risking that sense of security by having an affair - if they do ever find out they will realise that they have been living a lie as well, loving a father who was cheating on them as much as he's cheating on his wife. And you say that he uses his annual leave to see you, in which case that's time that most parents would be spending with their families that he is devoting to you instead. Would you do that to your kids in his situation? If you were with your kids' dad, would you consider an affair, even if you knew that it might devastate your children's lives? Affairs are such an emotive subject, and there are always more wrongs and rights on each side than anyone can count, but I'm pretty sure his kids don't deserve a father who sneaks away from them to spend time with someone else.

Since you have mentioned it - what does your son think of the situation? And what would you advise him if he was in your position?

euronorris

BugglyB wrote: »

No, I think its completely his fault. If she had a husband and children she would be completely responsible for any pain caused to them.

When it comes down to it, he is the one who will have to face his children and his wife, he is responsible for letting them down.

I don't allow any of this 'oh I couldn't help myself, she/he tempted me away' rubbish. Cheating partner is completely responsible.

Sorry if you didn't swear - I took sh't to mean, well, another word I can't write on here. Was I mistaken?

Oh, you're right. I said sh't! (the apostrophe is replacing the letter i in this case) Sorry, I missed that. But I wasn't swearing AT you, I was just giving an example. It wasn't meant to cause you offence, so I'm sorry if it did.

I don't buy any of that 'oh I couldn't help myself, she/he tempted me away' rubbish either, but it still takes two to tango. He couldn't cheat by himself, could he? If he had approached her, and she'd refused his advances, it wouldn't have happened and *maybe* he would've gone home and worked on the issues within his marriage. So she is still partly reponsible.

If you look at it from the child's point of view, they'd likely be angry at her, as well as their Dad. I understand that not everyone would, but I expect most people would.

jamespir

no because no matter how you sugar coat it people always get hurt

plumpmouse

a1969baby wrote: »

The fact that it has been going on for so long would indicate to me that there is a strong emotional tie for them both.

I actually think that makes the situation worse TBH. He isn't just betraying his wife by having a quick fling, he's betraying all of their life together.

I also don't think long term happiness is reason for an affair to have a happy ending. I believe that if someone isn't happy in a relationship they should do one of two things - try their best to solve the problems and move forward or get out.

shellsuit

I'd rather my husband had a 2 and a half month fling with loads of sex, than a 2 and a half year emotional affair with hardly any sex.

If he did either, he'd be gone, no question about that, but I'd be more gutted about the emotional side of it than the sex.

OP, you are single, he isn't, so do the right thing and find a man of your own that isn't attatched.

Or one that has the balls to end his marriage!