Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

purpletoenails

Gingham_R wrote: »

I don't mean to be dense, but why do you have to find out what HIS long term intentions are? What are YOURS?

I need to know if he see's a future with me on a more permanent basis or whether he just wants things to continue indefinitely as they are now.

Dave101t

just going purely on the title....yes.
happy endings all round i would imagine...

ceridwen

caledonian_princess wrote: »

Leaving aside the morality of affairs for a moment, I wonder how you could be happy being treated this way by any man. It seems to me that you fit in around his life, when it suits him then you can meet up? If it isn't too personal a question, what do you do? Find a room? I'm sorry but from here it all seems a little tawdry - don't you deserve better than this? Tbh, I'd be feeling used in your situation, however much I loved him and I think I'd be looking for the exit. I hope you don't think I'm being harsh or judgemental, I'm just trying to see myself in this relationship and how I'd feel about it but I find it difficult to imagine being involved with a married man because when I'm in a relationship I want to be the main part of his life, not an adjunct.

As for affairs, well, my Mum had one when I was 16 and left my Dad. I was devastated at the time - called her some names that even now I blush to recall but with the benefit of maturity and some distance I can see that it was the best decision for all concerned. My Mum married the other man and stayed with him until he died. My Dad met a lovely woman and also remarried. My sister and me, after a tumultuous month or two, got on with our lives. Affairs do cause a lot of emotional upheaval and unhappiness but the long term outcome doesn't necessarily need to be a bad one.

I think this is one of the most objective posts on this thread.

I was thinking about those marriages I know of that originally started out as an affair on the part of one of the people concerned (ie in all 3 cases - one of the people was free to do what they chose because they were single and the other one wasnt because they were married already). Those 3 marriages are amongst the happiest I know and I'd lay odds on any of them surviving quite happily. On the other hand - I also know of people having got hurt in what turned out to be only ever an affair.

I dont know the statistics on the odds in either case. I've read the statistics as to how many people would marry the same person if they had their time again - a lot would, but a rather high number wouldnt (ie that means they are staying in a marriage they arent happy with and may or may not be having an affair as a result of it).

No-one except the people involved know/feel how things are in this case. I would tend to think that OP doesnt see this man often enough for the odds to be very good that he will indeed leave his wife. I would put those odds as low. Obviously - too - we have no way of telling whether the man concerned is someone who will have affairs if he can get them or she is the first & only one he has ever had. If OP had some way of finding out for absolutely certain whether she is the first and only - then maybe he will leave his wife for her. If he has had even one previous affair (even so much as a one-night fling) then the chances are low that he will (ie because he would be "that sort of man").

In fairness - I dont think its fair to go heaping a load of nasty comments on OP (even though they've obviously been made by peeps reacting to their own personal "hot button" having been pressed - and so she is being used as a scapegoat for the anger they would like to throw at the woman their husband had an affair with). Unless OP did a total Mata Hari Seduction Set Up on getting the man to involve himself with her - then HE is the one at fault and the only one at fault in fairness. All blame should be apportioned to him only for this - because he is the one that is married out of the two of them (and therefore had an obligation to remain faithful).

It seems to me that OP isnt feeling at all happy about this set-up anyway to come and start a thread that was going to attract such vitriol against herself for doing so.

purpletoenails

justmel wrote: »

I would be more concerned with his short term intentions to be honest,you could spend years listening to excuses and waiting for him to leave. Yes, I am aware of this

Are you really happy with the possibilty of waiting for all that time only to be in the exact same position years from now? No, I'm not

If you want to be with him you do have to lay your cards on the table,you have to mean it too and be prepared to walk away if he isn't commited to leaving his marriage in the near future. He does not need to leave in the near future, he would not be able to move nearer to me because of his job, I am unable to move nearer to him until my daughter finishes her education

I know I need to lay my cards on the table - I am seeing him tomorrow and trying to work out what I am going to say.

tizerbelle

purpletoenails wrote: »

I need to know if he see's a future with me on a more permanent basis or whether he just wants things to continue indefinitely as they are now.

No. You need to decide what you want and then tell him and if he can't meet your needs, then game over.

purpletoenails

ceridwen wrote: »

It seems to me that OP isnt feeling at all happy about this set-up anyway to come and start a thread that was going to attract such vitriol against herself for doing so.

No you're correct, I'm quite dissatisfied with the situation at the moment.

System

I think you need to lay it down open. Either he leaves her or its over. You'll never be happy otherwise. Either it works out with him or you move on and find someone (unmarrried!) who makes you happy.

mackemdave

a1969baby wrote: »

Good luck OP, not everyone on here thinks youre a deluded STI ridden harlot who is trying to steal someone elses man. I hope things work out for you and you find happiness whatever decision you make

Well said 1969baby...I think the way the OP is conducting herself through this thread shows she is a decent person....These things happen and I for one hope she manages to get what SHE wants

plumpmouse

mackemdave wrote: »

Well said 1969baby...I think the way the OP is conducting herself through this thread shows she is a decent person....These things happen and I for one hope she manages to get what SHE wants

Even at the cost of other people. His wife and children???

These things may happen but there really is no excuse for them.

For what it is worth I don't think she is an STI ridden harlot or whatever others have said. I do however things she is doing something that is very wrong on so many levels and I think she knows she is.

I don't think it is possible for all in this situation to have a happy ending. The people I hope don't suffer from it are the children involved regardless of how old they are!

catkins

mackemdave wrote: »

Well said 1969baby...I think the way the OP is conducting herself through this thread shows she is a decent person....These things happen and I for one hope she manages to get what SHE wants

They don't "just happen" though do they? People don't find themselves naked in bed with someone without knowing how they got there do they?

There is never ever any excuse whatsoever for someone to be unfaithful to their partner