Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

janninew

euronorris wrote: »

That doesn't excuse her behaviour though, does it?

Certainly, the majority of the blame should be laid at your ex's feet, but the other woman wasn't innocent either.

Of course it doesn't excuse her her behaviour, that's why I said most of my anger was directed at my ex. But I didn't marry her, she didn't make any commitment to me so I didn't feel that much hatred towards her. If you asked me before I went through it, I would probably have said I would have hated them both, maybe her ever more than him, but in reality I didn't feel that way.

lostinrates

a1969baby wrote: »

he works really hard, she sits around spending the money, they have a big house and a nice life. He loves his 'bit on the side' and she loves him. She gives him what his wife doesn't - affection, laughs, conversation, intimacy, warmth. However, he is loathe to leave the marriage at present due to the ages of the children, financial commitments, and yes - a sense of loyalty to his wife and other family members.

Of course, the sadness is, the more that he shares affection, laughs, conversation, warmth and intimacy with someone else, the greater the gulf becomes, the more the wife feels her solace is in lifgestyle and spend and the cycle gets worse.

Marriages (and friendships and other realtionships) have ups and downs, and in a marriage a commitment has been made to work through them where possible. No one can pretend this is easy, but it doesn't, IMO exciuse infidelty.

FWIW I think this is how my ''could have been'' felt. He needed a friend to let off steam with, have a laugh with and to tell him to go home and talk to his wife. Not a girlfriend to make him feel ok and faultless in the existing problems in the realtionship.

Silent1

I have only read page 1 but the guy is cheating on his wife, and will probably cheat on you in the future if he left his wife. You would be paranoid when he doesn't return home at a certain time too as you know he is capable of cheating.

I would move on and find someone else who you can have all by yourself and without future problems (like the ones that will happen if he leaves his wife).

EDIT - You have been with him for 2 1/2 years, and live 2 hours away. Imo he will not be leaving his wife for you, unless she finds out somehow and kicks him out. Then again he might use you for a while if this happens. If he wanted to be with you he would have left by now.

BugglyB

I can't really agree that people are blaming the OP for how the children will feel. He's their dad. She's a stranger to them.

lostinrates

BugglyB wrote: »

I can't really agree that people are blaming the OP for how the children will feel. He's their dad. She's a stranger to them.

They are the most precious to the man she feels she loves. Thus I would have hoped their needs (along with the needs of her children to her lover) considered vitally important!

Person_one

BugglyB wrote: »

I can't really agree that people are blaming the OP for how the children will feel. He's their dad. She's a stranger to them.

She knows they exist, she is continuing to be a willing accessory to what their dad is doing to them.

If she truly cared about their feelings she could step back and say "This is a terrible situation and I won't be a part of it any longer." not carry on what she's doing and try to abdicate any moral responsibility.

euronorris

BugglyB wrote: »

I can't really agree that people are blaming the OP for how the children will feel. He's their dad. She's a stranger to them.

I don't see how that makes it OK for her to be a part of something which has the potential to cause them a hell of a lot of pain.

If I treat a stranger on the street like sh't, is that OK because they are a stranger? No, of course not.

Gingham_R

He's having a great time, isn't he? 2 women to string along and somewhere to go when things aren't all rosy in the garden?

What's in it for you? Please don't say 'love' because that isn't love. Love is making sure the other person's needs are important to you. It's about being honest and having integrity and being there when you are needed. It's about him holding your hair back when you're sick and kissing you when he wakes up each morning. It's about laughing and crying together and holding hands when things get hard.

There's a married woman who needs that from her husband and isn't getting it. And there's you. You need all that too. Do you think he can give you both that? Do you think if he leaves his wife he's capable of giving you that? He hasn't in 2 and a half years, has he?

Why are you settling for this? It's not nearly enough, is it?

cyclingyorkie

i haven't read the whole thread - but isn't there a saying along the lines of when a man marries his mistress he creates a job vacancy?

BugglyB

euronorris wrote: »

I don't see how that makes it OK for her to be a part of something which has the potential to cause them a hell of a lot of pain.

If I treat a stranger on the street like sh't, is that OK because they are a stranger? No, of course not.

I didn't say it was OK, I dont think its alright to abuse strangers in the street, please don't swear at me.

My feeling is that he is to blame for the hurt caused to his children and wife.

If we disagree, thats ok.