Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

caledonian_princess

Leaving aside the morality of affairs for a moment, I wonder how you could be happy being treated this way by any man. It seems to me that you fit in around his life, when it suits him then you can meet up? If it isn't too personal a question, what do you do? Find a room? I'm sorry but from here it all seems a little tawdry - don't you deserve better than this? Tbh, I'd be feeling used in your situation, however much I loved him and I think I'd be looking for the exit. I hope you don't think I'm being harsh or judgemental, I'm just trying to see myself in this relationship and how I'd feel about it but I find it difficult to imagine being involved with a married man because when I'm in a relationship I want to be the main part of his life, not an adjunct.

As for affairs, well, my Mum had one when I was 16 and left my Dad. I was devastated at the time - called her some names that even now I blush to recall but with the benefit of maturity and some distance I can see that it was the best decision for all concerned. My Mum married the other man and stayed with him until he died. My Dad met a lovely woman and also remarried. My sister and me, after a tumultuous month or two, got on with our lives. Affairs do cause a lot of emotional upheaval and unhappiness but the long term outcome doesn't necessarily need to be a bad one.

mithuthecat

Just read the whole thread again and to be honest the OP has to make her own mind up,yes affairs do hurt people and thats a fact of life,but it happens on a daily basis.I was talking to my friend last night and he was saying to me that both parties should have a face to face discussion regarding what they intend to do and make a decision.Yes people are going to get hurt but its always going to happen when a married person is involved.

a1969baby

I don't generally post on here, more of a serial lurker lol, but I would like to post a reply. I think that some of the comments have been very harsh. I do not think that the op is necessarily gullible or foolish, nor do I think that the man involved is definitely a serial love cheat that is using her as a convenient leg over when it suits him - we already know that this is something happens rarely between them. The fact that it has been going on for so long would indicate to me that there is a strong emotional tie for them both.

My sisters husband had an affair when they had been married for 10 years, my sister found out and was of course devastated. she moved back to our home town, he moved in with the other woman. Fast forward 11 years and he is still with the mistress and in fact married to her. My sister is now married to a wonderful man and happier than she's ever been. She often says that she is glad that her 1st marriage ended, she can see now that she wasn't happy and nor was he, and if they hadn't split up, she wouldn't be with the man she adores so much (and adores her)

On the other side of the coin, I have a close male friend who is having an affair. he has been married for 17 years and has teenage children. His marriage has been a sham for many years with them both living separate lives, he works really hard, she sits around spending the money, they have a big house and a nice life. He loves his 'bit on the side' and she loves him. She gives him what his wife doesn't - affection, laughs, conversation, intimacy, warmth. However, he is loathe to leave the marriage at present due to the ages of the children, financial commitments, and yes - a sense of loyalty to his wife and other family members. He wishes he'd met this woman in a few years time when he would feel more able to walk away from his wife, because he knows that his lover is likely to eventually get fed up with the situation and leave him.

Affairs happen, it's life! And I know out of the above scenarios which one has the happier ending (so far anyway)

Good luck OP, not everyone on here thinks youre a deluded STI ridden harlot who is trying to steal someone elses man. I hope things work out for you and you find happiness whatever decision you make

euronorris

With respect to STI's, they can be present in anyone, even virgins as they can be passed on by their mother. If you have EVER had unprotected sex with anyone (I'm aware that the OP and this man use protection), then you should absolutely get tested. As others have said before, many of them can be symptomless and having an STI is not a reflection of your character. I would advise everyone to get tested after/before every sexual relationship they have and/or if you find out your partner/spouse has been cheating on you. This is what I have always done. And please also keep in mind that some STI's can be passed on, even with the use of condoms, as they only require skin to skin contact in that area.

Moving on...OP, seriously. If you aren't happy with the situation, you HAVE to talk to him about it. If you don't, your only options are to put up and shut up, or leave him. He isn't pyschic, so he isn't going to know this is what you want unless you tell him, and the kids aren't going to grow up any faster either.

I will say this though, you are both kidding yourselves if you think that divorce won't affect adult children. It does. Many of the issues it causes for the children are still issues, when the children are adults. One of my closest friends parents divorced when she was 24/25 and it has been hell for her, and has resulted in her cutting ties with both parents as a result. Her parents still tried to use her as a weapon against each other, and then blamed her for their problems when she refused to play that game.

So, IMO, the reason of waiting until the children are grown up has no validity. They will be hurt, devastated even, no matter when it happens.

Talk to him, and then make a decision.

clearing_out_my_pockets

To echo what Euro said - my friend's parents got divorced when she was 24 and her sister was 22. At her wedding - the happiest day of her life - at the age of 26, she was torn between her parents. They wouldn't stand next to each other in photos. Her mum didn't want my friend's dad to give his eldest daughter away. Now the mum had actually remarried by this point.

The history behind their split - Dad had a childhood sweetheart. Cheated on her with my friend's mum. Married mum. Cheated on her with childhood sweetheart. Married childhood sweetheart.

janninew

I feel some of the comments are quite harsh as well (and this from a women who's first husband cheated on me!) I don't think its fair to say she is a bad Mum as she is seeing a married man and I have no idea how a poster is almost certain that she has HPV?!

My first husband cheated on me (the women knew he was married and knew me) yet most of my anger was directed at him, he was a cheat, if it hadn't have been her, it would have been somebody else.

euronorris

janninew wrote: »

My first husband cheated on me (the women knew he was married and knew me) yet most of my anger was directed at him, he was a cheat, if it hadn't have been her, it would have been somebody else.

That doesn't excuse her behaviour though, does it?

Certainly, the majority of the blame should be laid at your ex's feet, but the other woman wasn't innocent either.

balletshoes

a1969baby wrote: »

On the other side of the coin, I have a close male friend who is having an affair. he has been married for 17 years and has teenage children.
His marriage has been a sham for many years with them both living separate lives, he works really hard, she sits around spending the money, they have a big house and a nice life. He loves his 'bit on the side' and she loves him.
She gives him what his wife doesn't - affection, laughs, conversation, intimacy, warmth.
However, he is loathe to leave the marriage at present due to the ages of the children, financial commitments, and yes - a sense of loyalty to his wife and other family members. He wishes he'd met this woman in a few years time when he would feel more able to walk away from his wife, because he knows that his lover is likely to eventually get fed up with the situation and leave him.

Affairs happen, it's life! And I know out of the above scenarios which one has the happier ending (so far anyway)

Good luck OP, not everyone on here thinks youre a deluded STI ridden harlot who is trying to steal someone elses man. I hope things work out for you and you find happiness whatever decision you make

You say its a sham marriage, they live separate lives etc - all fine and I absolutely believe such marriages exist and continue in the same vein for years. But - does the wife in this scenario know her husband is cheating on her? If she doesn't then its really not fair on her, is it, no matter how rosy the man has it with his home comforts and the love of his life on the side.

bargainbetty

I have had unprotected sex with two partners in all my 'active' years. Last year I had to get treatment for cervical abnormalities that are caused by one of the 120-odd variants of the HPV virus that exist. I have no other symptoms, and it won't do anything else to me, but I genuinely didn't think it was possible/likely to have happened. It is no reflection on me, just something that happened. Get tested, get a smear test and get some condoms. Whoever you are using them with, you deserve to be protected.

With regard to the rest, make your own choice based upon what you feel in your heart is right for you. I have been the cheater, the cheated and the 'cheatee' (IYSWIM) and honestly, I reached a point where I just felt I deserved better. I deserve better than to be with a man I didn't love and could cheat on, better than being cheated on, and better than being the 'other' woman. No opinion, just a comment from someone who has been there.

I wish you good health and happiness. Both are in your own hands!

Fire_Fox

1echidna wrote: »

I haven't read all the responses. However this kind of thing is so common that for me it must mean that it is part of being human. Somebody will jump on me for saying that. Jump on me all you like, I just dsappear into the ether. This is being done for reasons of survival and self interest.

Depends what you mean by jump on you! I don't buy that answer because the pattern of extra-marital relationships has differed widely through the ages, and still varies from class to class, from country to country and from culture to culture. Both women and men are more than capable of ignoring their sexual urges, we don't leap on strangers as we walk down the street. :rotfl: If it were instinct for a man to desire to maintain several wives overt polygamy/ polyamory would have long since become the social norm as with other species. Having said that I am not convinced mankind is biologically programmed to mate for life, marriage is an artificial construct. In the UK separation and divorce are no longer taboo, except perhaps for a man leaving his wife whilst pregnant or when she has a young baby.