Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

purpletoenails

Ally wrote: »

I'm interested to know what you would consider to be a happy ending to your situation? I suppose a happy ending would be where him and his wife mutually decide that their relationship is not worth salvaging

Your original post/question suggested to me that you are not happy with your relationship and now I have read the entire thread, your subsequent posts have confirmed my initial thoughts. No, I am not happy with things as they currently stand



I would not be surprised if his wife had uttered the same words and possibly another mistress.



Unfortunately, the damage has been done and you and your lover have hurt people - they just don't know it yet, but they will find out eventually. They will then have to live with the devastation and you and your lover will have to live with the fact that you both caused the damage. Whether this was intentional or not, you are now aware of what you are both doing. I am aware of it



I think you need to pay more consideration to what you believe to be the state of his marriage - everything you know is what he has told you, only one side of the story. He may be telling you what he believes you want to hear or what he believes he should say in order to sustain the relationship you currently share. I personally do not believe you are propping up the relationship in anyway but I am very interested to know why you feel this may be the case? IMHO, you would be the perfect excuse for him to leave his relationship. If you were not available, what excuse would he have to leave? Unless of course there was someone else? His relationship may have indeed not been perfect before you arrived ... but was there maybe someone else to distract him? Regardless of what people may say on here, and how much they may think I am being just used as a fool, I do not think this. I don't believe he is a serial philanderer, or that he is taking what he is doing lightly. Yes, I would be the perfect excuse to leave, but I know he does not want to disrupt his childrens lives at this point in time.



Again, unfortunately, none of that will matter to the people you are both hurting.

I don't want to upset you and I am sorry but do feel you should consider why he does not think you are worth leaving his wife for if his marriage is as he states.

You have a big decision to make and I believe you already know the answer but just need convincing/encouragement that it is the right thing to do possibly. Do you have any friends you can discuss this with? I do hope you make the right decision for all involved. As someone mentioned previously, treat others as you would wish to be treated yourself.

Aside from the above, I am intrigued to know why after so long your daughter does not know about your relationship. Please do not share your reasons if you do not feel comfortable - you owe no explanation to me. It's just that I have drawn my own conclusions and I am curious to know if I am right or wrong My daughter does not need to know about this relationship as he is not part of her life, he is part of mine and she has no reason to meet him. If we ever were to get together as a 'proper' couple, then I would feel it appropriate to introduce them

I wish you courage

Thank you for your post, this is the sort of response I was hoping for when I asked the question

1echidna

In case anyone is interested this is my thread on a similar subject.

gonzo127

havent read many of the posts here but basic story is my wife's ex had an affair (his other women was also cheating on her husband) and he ended up leaving her and his children for the other women, who also left her husband for him, they actually stayed together for 10 years however they have now split up because she has had another affair.

so can they have a happy ending? who knows i believe they probably could as i do not believe my wifes ex husband could have another affair based on how he was after he had left her and children (guilt etc even after 4 years when i first met him) however his 'other women' of course is a case of not changing her spots

personally i wouldnt want to be the bit on the side

neneromanova

You say your son has met him, so basically what you are saying to him is that he can get married and cheat on his wife if the "going gets tough". Wow, what a great mum you are!

xxxxhelpxxxx

This is my thread in a similar vein but seeing it from the other side, as a woman whose husband has had an affair.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3322734

Errata

I suppose a happy ending would be where him and his wife mutually decide that their relationship is not worth salvaging

If that's your idea of happiness, you're seriously away with the fairies.

izzybusy23

moodydonkey wrote: »

They would both have to admit. Hard to prove adultery as I was told.

Surely it won't be hard now they have a baby on the way!! He plans to go on the birth certificate so I guess that's them both admitting adultery? Would that work in court?

Edit; just read your further comments. I suppose a DNA would sort it out but I've not got anymore energy to fight. He wants us back badly; he's stuck in a misery of his own making with a woman he doesn't love and a baby he doesn't want. So the grass is greener theory worked for him all the time she was footloose and fancy free to go out and have a fun time and sex on tap; then she got pregnant and reality has hit him like a sledgehammer. The effects of this on me and my DD have been immense. I'm heartbroken; my DD is emotionally broken.

FBaby

I am really surprised by the majority of comments. i don't undermine the destruction of an affair for a second, but they happen all the time and the people involved in them come from all walk of life. Not all men cheating are doing so because they can get their cake and eat it. As a matter of fact, I would think most of them are quite miserable about it and wish they could have it all with just one partner. I would have thought that most men cheating only do so with one partner, not that they make a habit of cheating with anything that come their way, and those who do adopt this lifestyle are usually only after sex and most of the time don't bother to lie about it. They take those women who are after the same thing, saves them the trouble of making up too many stories, they have enough with their wives.

As for the status of the marriage, again, all is possible. Yes, it does happen that married people are not officially living as a couple for many reasons. Who knows what is going on with his wife, maybe she is having an affair herself and he has no clue.

There is no point in debating all this. The OP can only go by her gut feeling like most people chose to do when they are not in a position to do any differently and very often, gut feelings can be as reliable as what we are let to see and judge.

What does worry me OP is that you seem stuck in conflicting feelings. On one hand you seem to accommodate yourself of what he is currently offering you, but on the other hand you are not happy with it and want more. On one hand you are prepared to give this relationship up because of it, on the other, you don't seem prepared to lay it all on the table to discuss because you don't want to put pressure on him.

I think you need to be clear as to what you want and how you are going to go about it to get it so that only if you can be convinced that it is not going to happen you can make the decision to give it all up. One sure thing, if you are starting to feel frustrated with it because it is not enough, DO NOT keep going along with it wonly holding on to the hope that he will make the decision to change the situation and give you more because this is most likely not to happen (men rarely take such initiative without a push if THEY are satisfied) and the worse thing that can happen if you to look back and regret the time you wasted unsatisfied.

peachyprice

purpletoenails wrote: »

. I don't believe he is a serial philanderer, or that he is taking what he is doing lightly. Yes, I would be the perfect excuse to leave, but I know he does not want to disrupt his childrens lives at this point in time.

If he's only staying because he doesn't want to disrupt the lives of his children I doubt there will ever be a 'right time' for him to leave.

As you well know being a parent yourself there is always something on the horizon. It won't be the right time because of exams, uni, graduation, wedding, birth of grandchildren etc etc. If he really, truly wanted to be with you he would have done by now regardless.

I do think you're deluding yourself if you believe you're ever going to get the happy ending of he and his wife deciding amicably to call it a day.

paddy's_mum

How is the wife going to know that the relationship is not worth salvaging? Nothing you have so far said would indicate that the poor woman has any idea at all that she is the victim of a cheat and being duped by her husband! (I'd bet money that she is quite confident that her husband is a hard-working, loyal and loving sort of bloke.)

On the contrary - your chap is making pretty sure that he isn't found out ... or are you going to tell us that it is you he takes on his firm's summer outing?

The existence of 2 (presumably) youngish children would suggest that the marriage is not the cold and unrewarding one the husband would have you believe. You have no evidence whatsoever that his home life is barren and unhappy. If it was so desperate, so stultifying, so lacking in affection, he would have told her and taken steps to end the marriage ... for his own sake!

Exactly how does beginning an affair help mend and heal the problems within his marriage? (Had they tried everything (Relate, pastor, time apart) to resolve their problems before they jointly decided that she couldn't meet his needs and would turn a blind eye to his conduct?)

Of course, if his intention was to use adultery to provoke an outraged response from his wife, giving her the moral high ground, and force her into divorcing him, why then hasn't he made a few accidental-on-purpose slip-ups so that she finds out?

Your own inner thoughts are telling you what you need to know. It just needs you to listen to them.

You're a victim of the biggest small word in the world .... if! As in 'if only', 'if I said', 'if he loved me', 'if she decided', 'if things were different', 'if he would just..'.

If you think she just needs the gentlest of nudges to decide that the marriage isn't worth salvaging, why not drop her a line and ask her what she thinks about the present situation and how best to resolve the difficulties. I'm sure she'll be very grateful to you, not least because she can then make decisions on her own behalf ... such as whether she wishes to risk her own sexual health and give years more of her life ...and no longer suffer the gross indignity of having those essential and basic rights decreed for her by a lying spouse and the lady friend who is conniving right alongside him.

Truly, I am sorry for the less than happy place you find yourself in but I'm also absolutely certain that somewhere down the line, you'll find yourself even more lonely, sad and regretful. Good luck.