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Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

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  • SaLoGo
    SaLoGo Posts: 1,025 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    I don't believe either he or his wife are happy in the marriage, and I'm also sure that this is nothing to with me. Perhaps I am merely a symptom of the poor state its in, rather than the cause.

    Every mistress is going to say that. I don't believe you are a symptom of the poor state the marriage is (or isn't) in, you are essentially a play toy for a bored, greedy, disrespectful guy.

    I genuinely believed my marriage was strong, stable and happy. I had no idea whatsover that he was up to anything. Our relationship hadn't change one bit during his affair. Just goes to show what b*llsh!t men can come out with.
    :beer: Been smoke free for 4 years!! :beer:
  • POPPYOSCAR
    POPPYOSCAR Posts: 14,902 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    Well, I am off to see him shortly. Thanks for all your replies, good and bad, you are all entitled to your opinions, and I did expect a lot of flak.

    To the poster who said another time and another place, I think you are spot on. If we had met in a few years time when he was possibly single (kids left home, no more school fees, no more mortgage) then who knows what would happen. I don't believe either he or his wife are happy in the marriage, and I'm also sure that this is nothing to with me. Perhaps I am merely a symptom of the poor state its in, rather than the cause.

    There are certain things which have happened that I have not been free to share on this forum, due to the fact that someone who is reading this may know them, but believe me please when I say he is not happily married.

    He enjoys the love and warmth and affection that we share. He likes to have someone he can talk to, that is actually interested in what he has to say, rather than someone who is only interested in the practical, material and financial support that he can provide. He may be able to get his marriage back on track, or maybe he can't, but I realise that while I am around, he has no incentive to try and do so.

    I think that today I will be gently broaching the subject of our future together, and whether he thinks that there is one, and if so, how that can be obtained with minimal damage. I suspect he will say he doesn't know, I also know that he will be very hurt if I walk away. He is a genuinely nice man, how he is behaving might not be, but he is kind, considerate, hard working, dependable (yes really!) I have known him for a long time - we are in contact every day. If he's bullsh1tting me I would have known by now.

    You can wish me luck, or you can wish I befall some terrible fate on the way to see him for being so wicked, but either way, I hope to get some answers today (I have packed some tissues just in case)

    Once again, thank you for all your comments, it is not always easy to get an objective view of situation when you are living in it.

    PT x



    Well I for one, wish you the best of luck and hope you can move on with your life in a positive way.
  • balletshoes
    balletshoes Posts: 16,610 Forumite
    I'm still not sure what good it would do her to know? If, as most people on here assume, he is only using me and will never leave her, then whats the point in her knowing?

    are you serious? the point of her knowing is so that she has the same information and knowledge that her husband does, you know, the partner in her marriage? she should have that same information so that she can make an informed decision on what steps she wants to take in the future of her marriage.
  • balletshoes
    balletshoes Posts: 16,610 Forumite
    Why do you assume she is better off knowing? What's the point in upsettng her for no reason? I'm not spiteful or vengeful, if he decides that after all, he wants to remain where he is, then it's up to him to tell her if he wants to.

    you're really not getting this are you - right now she doesn't know that her husband is cheating on her, having sex with another woman, and has been for months (not to mention the emotional affair you've been having together for 2 years). Are you seriously telling me you'd be happy to carry on in a partnership with a man who did/is doing that? Because whether you like it or not, at some point in the future, this is likely to all come to light.
    You know the wife is being cheated on, her husband is doing the cheating, she is the only one who doesn't know - and she deserves to know, so she can decide for herself what she wants to do.
  • whitewing
    whitewing Posts: 11,852 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    Perhaps you and your lover could tell his wife together?

    (This is not a serious suggestion, and I think it would be nearly as wicked as the actualcheating, but maybe if you discuss it as a possibility you will get further in your discussions of the long term).
    :heartsmil When you find people who not only tolerate your quirks but celebrate them with glad cries of "Me too!" be sure to cherish them. Because these weirdos are your true family.
  • gingin_2
    gingin_2 Posts: 2,992 Forumite
    plumpmouse wrote: »
    I wish his wife luck if he chooses her over you - which I suspect he will. Luck because he is a liar and a cheat and maybe she knows neither. poor woman is living a life where she is being mocked by both of you every time you contact each other.

    And most of all I wish his children luck that they never find out what a disgraceful example of a man their father really is!

    My father had an affair, my parents are still together. I guess my brother was mid teens. 20 years later he still sneers at my father, there is not a jot of a bond, warmth or respect. I didn't find out until long after the event, so didn't suffer in the way that he did but it has without a doubt affected him permanently. My brother chose to live on the other side of the world but when there are still the rare family gatherings with him the tension is unbearable.

    Op, I can't really offer any advice because I just think you are deluded.
  • euronorris
    euronorris Posts: 12,247 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper PPI Party Pooper
    FatVonD wrote: »
    Because she has a right to decide whether she wants to share him or not.

    I do believe it is better for the wife to know, one way or another.

    My ex cheated on me for pretty much the entire relationship, it turns out and it seems that everyone knew, except me. Why? Because they didn't have the guts to tell me and hid behind the excuse of 'It wasn't my place.'. Err....actually, as my friends, it WAS your place! By not telling me, I felt doubly betrayed when I did find out.

    Was I happy with his latest bit of fluff telling me? Hell no! It took all my restraint not to punch her in the face, but I did just walk away. I was also angry at a new found friend, who was the only one who also had the courage to tell me about it that night, but I got over that anger pretty quickly and soon realised he was more concerned with my happiness than any fall out which may have happened. I am so thankful to him for having that courage. And the bit of fluff, though she foolishly thought she'd somehow 'won one over on me' soon realised what a !!!! he was, and that he cheated on her just as quickly.

    It took a long time for me to regain trust in my friends, as well as men in general after that. So, IMO, it is always better to be honest about this stuff.
    February wins: Theatre tickets
  • paddy's_mum
    paddy's_mum Posts: 3,977 Forumite
    I've been Money Tipped!
    edited 14 July 2011 at 11:44AM
    FatVonD wrote: »
    I actually think a lot of people have been concerned about where your life is going and you should be too.

    This is my view, exactly. It's not based on some woolly headed idea of "the Bible says.." or horrified spinsterish morality.

    It's based on solid experience, and surviving being cheated on, and observing many of my fellow human beings attaining their 'rights' while treading merrily upon the rights of those they should be protecting.

    Most of all, it's based upon a concept called natural justice/fair play and the monumental lie that this man is living is fair to nobody, especially you. I only hope that you come to see that before your world crashes into broken-hearted smithereens.
  • i have been following this post due to the situation i found myself in.

    Bit of background

    Going through a divorce
    3 children

    I had been with my husband for over 20+ years when end of last year, he announced he dont love me know more and was leaving. he didnt leave that night as he didnt know how to tell the children. about a week later the phone bill arrived and there was a number i didnt recognised that he had been contacting from the time he got up till the time WE went to bed, for months. When i confronted him he told me it was a woman from work who was a close friend. he told the children and left that night.

    He moved into his parents and within a few weeks he was sleeping with her. At first i had the support of his parents but that soon diminished. As obv they stood by their son.

    Roll on too now. i cant describe to you the hurt and humiliation that you feel. that everyone knew and was laughing at you, to watch my children crumble before your very eyes, the man they used to look at with such admiration they look at with contempt. i dont slag him off in front of the children or refuse to allow him contact. he chooses not to see them unless he can be bothered. to listen to your kids crying at night as they have been replaced by her children. Yes he is still with her. Are they happy i have no clue.

    He tells the children he lives with his parents and his parent keep this up he infact stays over every night at her house. The children do not want to meet her under any circumstances. so he has to live a lie im not sure if the kids will ever meet her or be told the truth as to where he his living.

    We have lost family members that we were very close to how can those trelationships ever be put right. I try my best to keep going and hold my head up high and keep letting the kids know that they are loved. but you end up living on your nerves as you are never quite sure whats going to be thrown at you next.

    My husband had never been unfaithful before she knew he was married with children as she had met us. I suspect he has told her he was unhappy etc. Maybe he was BUT we were still intimate right up until he left (do you think he told her that). We had plans for the future and were discussing how to make those plans a reality. So for all you know he could be doing the same to his wife. I was totally devasted and to some extent still am. Would i have believed that he was capable of causing so much hurt and devastation. Never. He is now not the man i was with for all of those years i dont even recognise him or his actions. It makes you wonder if the whole of your life has been 1 big lie.

    So yes his wife has the right to know i wish someone had told me that he was flirting with someone else whilst making promises to me. then i wouldnt have felt that he had ripped my heart out of my chest and stamped on it. I would have been prepared for the whole of my life and my kids lives to be turned upside down but most of all i would have had a choice in the outcome.
  • shellsuit wrote: »
    Surely your husband made you happy once upon a time too?

    If your husband is abusive (even if just verbally), imagine what he would be like if he found out your affair.

    You didn't have to accept his affairs, you could have told him to hit the road, but by having an affair yourself and trying to justify it by saying your husband has done it before, is like playing tit for tat, plus two wrongs don't make a right.

    Sort out the marriage, or end of the marrige first, then you'll be free to see who you want to see and won't have to be as snidey and deceitful as your husband was to you.

    I wont keep posting as this is not my thread but in reponse to this... My OH had his first affair when I was pregnant and asked to come back just before the birth.. I was scared and lonely and he denied he had had an affair and just said he had spent the time thinking about things ( he was gone 7 weeks & I had no idea where he was) I had not long lost a baby and just wanted the perfect family life so I took him back.... He had only now admitted there was someone else but in his view it wasnt an affair and thats it we mustnt talk about it anymore end of and he means end of no talking no questions no explaining etc.
    I have never justified my actions in surfice to say if he can then I can etc I made my choices in life .. regrets yes obviously ... Every morning I wake up and wonder if today will be the day that I get my !!!!! in gear and walk away but Im so scared of losing my children that is what stops me every day..... Come and live me life for a bit and then you will realise that a little bit of happiness how ever you get it makes a massive difference to life
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