Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

jonty1970

MissMitch wrote: »

Just to clarify what I was saying to VestanPance last night regarding 100% trust since it seems to be coming up a lot.

I think you should put 100% trust, or as near as damn it, into a relationship for sure. What I'm saying is that there is no 100% guarantee that they won't break that trust or let you down in some way at some point, not just infidelity wise, but I'm obviously talking about something significant enough to bring the relationship under great strain. For example I have a relative who has been through a very touch and go brush with cancer, and has suffered chronic depression ever since and this has put their rock solid marriage under the severe strain.

So, in an ham-fisted way, what I was trying to say was there are no guarantees in life, but if you are concious of that and have faith in yourself to survive pretty much any hurdle, then it's so worth having that faith and letting people into your life rather than cutting yourself off for the fear of being hurt.

Fortunately C.S. Lewis has already summed this up perfectly eloquently:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

:T:T:T :beer:

purpletoenails

lostinrates wrote: »

You are convinced he loves you, even if he chooses to stay, that I can believe you seemlovely.

But, by the same degree, is your love not strong enough to wait years should you be single in the future if he became so?

(fwiw, with my never was an affair chap, I said no, and urged him to fix his relationship and I would have no truck with it. I was not string enough to avoid saying ''but if it DOES go pear shaped...call me If I were single today and he called I'd still mee him and see. Trying, or trying failing and finishing properly seem to me like admirable traits in a potential partner...however, obviously now...well, now I'm not available!)

Yes it is, but after a period of time I would have have to let it go, I'd never move on otherwise.

lostinrates

purpletoenails wrote: »

Yes it is, but after a period of time I would have have to let it go, I'd never move on otherwise.

I think I've not been clear. I woudn't hang around waiting at all....months OR years...or frankly days and hours in your situation. But if he choose to become single and available and you HAPPENED to be single and available why not in three years/five years/15 years.


PTN, may I ask, beside this affair and the abusive marriage..what other long term relationshops have you had? Have any been truely satisfactory?

willow_loulou

SaLoGo wrote: »

Ooooh, there's loads of good points...

• I moved 200 miles back to my family so get to see them twice a week instead of 2/3 times a year
• I've been reunited with lots of old (very good supportive) friends
• My DS got a place at an amazing special school
• I can shop without feeling guilty (he was quite controlling)
• If it wasn't for him I wouldn't have met my current (wonderful) partner
• I could go on but won't bore you all

I'd go as far as saying he did me a favour! I'm so much more happier now than I ever have been. I'm a completely different person now. I just wish that my ex had left me first, rather than having an affair (which he still denys, but the baby born 6 months later was proof enough)

While I do not in any way think what PTN is doing is a good thing, I suppose in my situation yes, an affair can have a happy ending (eventually)

Does there come a point though when the ex wife becomes less evil? I am almost stalked online (long story) and often slagged off infront of my children by the woman I was left for. Its been years but apparently Im still evil even though I say nothing, stir nothing with his family (she can keep the MIL but apparently MIL hates her) I refuse to join in if the conversation turns to her. Ive well moved on, had 2 reasonable length relationships and yet Im still on the recieving end of what feels like a vendetta. She claims she is happy and I genuinely hope she/they are, but I fail to see how she can be with the things she says/does. Some one tell me she will stop soon please

purpletoenails

lostinrates wrote: »

I think I've not been clear. I woudn't hang around waiting at all....months OR years...or frankly days and hours in your situation. But if he choose to become single and available and you HAPPENED to be single and available why not in three years/five years/15 years.


PTN, may I ask, beside this affair and the abusive marriage..what other long term relationshops have you had? Have any been truely satisfactory?

Sorry, I misunderstood what you meant then. Of course if he became single 5 years from now and wanted to meet up again, then I would be happy to.

The abusive relationship was after my marriage. Since then I've had one other long term relationship, which was satisfactory while it lasted

victory

Maybe the question has been asked and answered but in the 3 weeks he was away on his hols with his wife and kids I seem to remember he never rang you once? Have I got that wrong? If so the next point is invalid but how can that be all consuming passionate love that he will leave his wife for you when he was with his family and never gave you a second thought?

Now the ultimatum, have you seen him since, has he not answered you? Has he not put things into motion and told his wife, told you anything?

Do you keep in touch with email? Text? It does not seem to be a daily contact relationship, why would it not be if his need for you is that strong? However he could he would, wouldn't he?

lostinrates

purpletoenails wrote: »

Sorry, I misunderstood what you meant then. Of course if he became single 5 years from now and wanted to meet up again, then I would be happy to.

The abusive relationship was after my marriage. Since then I've had one other long term relationship, which was satisfactory while it lasted

You've been through the mill, haven't you! so you have a template for what you need and want and deserve, that's very wonderful: something to build on.:) I was concerned earlier when I read about the abusive situation that had you experienced that, then little else serious then this....it would be easier to understand why this was more palatable to you for so long.

lostinrates

victory wrote: »

Maybe the question has been asked and answered but in the 3 weeks he was away on his hols with his wife and kids I seem to remember he never rang you once? Have I got that wrong? If so the next point is invalid but how can that be all consuming passionate love that he will leave his wife for you when he was with his family and never gave you a second thought?

Now the ultimatum, have you seen him since, has he not answered you? Has he not put things into motion and told his wife, told you anything?

Do you keep in touch with email? Text? It does not seem to be a daily contact relationship, why would it not be if his need for you is that strong? However he could he would, wouldn't he?

I thought he HAD been in touch during that time

victory

Oh ok, I am spending far too much time thinking about this thread:rotfl::D I keep thinking well what if this or that or my friends things come back to me and I think about the thread and putting it on, I must go to bed and think of something else:rotfl:

lostinrates

victory wrote: »

Oh ok, I am spending far too much time thinking about this thread:rotfl::D I keep thinking well what if this or that or my friends things come back to me and I think about the thread and putting it on, I must go to bed and think of something else:rotfl:

Me too. Some threads just demand attention. The people i them become clear as ''whole pictures'' and not 2d cold stories. I feel as convinced by my original stance, but also very keen that PTN find joy and fulfilment with someone. Its a very ''human'' thread.