Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

radiography

poet123 wrote: »

I suspect it does. I haven't posted in response to the poster in question, but her posts have been blunt to the point of rudeness imo. There is blunt and there is rude, and it is possible to be one without the other.



Not an excuse but a fact, that given her condition she simply won't see the posts as others see them. However, ime those who have been exposed to families/friends/schooling where clear lines have been drawn for what was deemed acceptable behaviour, using both the written and spoken word do come to realise that and temper their responses.

If they have been allowed to continue with the behaviours without having its effects on others pointed out then they may never achieve the kind of empathy or restraint most of us exercise when dealing with others.

The above quote is not related to everything I have to say, but some will reference it, and I am not picking out this poster alone as many are guilty of the following.

I hope you realise how offensive you're being, whilst lecturing about rudeness. I'm not a dog for you to train about "empathy and restraint". I have exhibited plenty of empathy for the wife and children that this woman's relationship will have a negative effect on, just not for your side of the argument, and that has absolutely nothing to do with my Asperger's.

To anyone who accused me of rudeness whilst discussing me with others in this thread (i.e. not directed to me): talking over someone's head about their condition when it's not been directly disclosed and just dug up from their posting history is rude.

I, at least, acknowledge when I'm being provocative. It's intentional. I read the first pages of posts in this thread and people called this woman things that I would not put into writing. Some of them were "thanked" copiously. The tide has turned and most of the people who still have the patience to read this thread are sympathetic to the OP; I did not recognise this and inadvertently threw myself to the wolves there.

So, to sum up: I knew I was being rude to this lady and other posters here (who, in turn, have been rude to others). I don't have empathy for her situation, as she has put herself into it. I think it is bizarre to lecture someone about rudeness when you all display at least equivalent measures yourselves (albeit less "obviously").

To address the point about "stating opinion as fact", it should be obvious that a statement from a person is their opinion, unless it can be entirely objective in its nature. Therefore, I feel no need to preface every line with "I think that..." in the manner of a child's essay, or to tag "but that's just my opinion" onto it. Anyone with a modicum of intelligence would be able to glean that everything I say is my opinion.

In terms of your own opinions, labelling people as bitter because they've been hurt in past relationships and practising amateur psychology on them is also rude. I would not normally comment on rudeness so much, but many of you decided that you're so perfectly polite that you should instruct people with Asperger's on how to behave in a public setting, so you should really ensure your approach is up to scratch before passing on any guidance in that area.

I had some of the strictest parents on the planet, have a lot of friends, and went to a school where the rudeness of the other children surpassed anything I could come up with intentionally. There is, frankly, no need to be so dismissive of someone simply because you've heard they're a) young and/or b) on the autistic spectrum. That is discriminative.

Hate me for what I say - I don't care - but don't pick on me for a label I possess or the number of years I've existed for. I can change neither of these things.

Goodbye.

Lotus-eater

northerner77 wrote: »

I'm no angel, have been messed around in relationships (not at the marriage level) & equally been a bit of a b.stard to girls in my young carefree days but nothing remotely like this - what her bloke (and without the immaturity excuse) is doing is just cruelty, inexcusable selfishness, I've tried to possibly imagine myself in the situation and I cannot.....ever. How could I treat my wife/kids and/or lover in such a callous dishonest way? Utterly beyond my comprehension. Am I being a bit over the top here? Or naiive?

Just what I think.

I'm also starting to lose patience with PTN's. My sympathy is going I'm afraid. She seems oblivious to the end game of this, even though she says she isn't.

CH27

purpletoenails wrote: »

No, not at all, I'm just pointing out that he doesn't neglect his household duties in order to waste time playing daft internet games with me

How do you know that?
As i've said before you only know what he CHOOSES to tell you.

gratefulforhelp_2

SaLoGo wrote: »

On the bright side - she has to put up with the MIL from hell now :rotfl:

"As she sows so shall she reap" :rotfl:

MissMitch wrote: »

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

Just beautiful.

lostinrates wrote: »

inversley we know we love when we re the tetchy tired wives worrying about work/junior at school/the wrinkles appearing/what on earth the half onion and three sausages in the fridge can make for supper tomorrow and fail to demonstrate that love but rather snip, snap and snipe, never thinking that lack of demonstating of something we're taking for granted could be the foundation for the tales told to another woman or the justification in a new rlationship because we never show the love....

Wise words...BUT occasional tetchiness is surely part of being human...never to be that way is a bit Stepford, surely?

lostinrates

Lotus-eater wrote: »

She seems oblivious to the end game of this, even though she says she isn't.

I wonder if this isn't something we ALL have a leaning to do in our personal lives at times? Especially when we are defensive?

The very sad thing is that for most people so far there have been no surprises.....the playing for time etc....but when you are in a position it always feels unique and you see the ''excuses'' close up and they become justifications.

I think of the sadness of PTN not wanting to be ''that other woman'' because her relationship is different, excusable, understandable .....but so far....nothing has been shockingly revelationary. Who'd have guessed, for example, that he ''never neglects his duties at home'' or that his wife is a dragon (yet not bad enough to leave or rescue the kids from?) and that he ''works hard'' when he's not playing games on the internet or bunking off? however nice she is she is also atm, so far as I can see, also pretty much what would be expected of an ''other woman'' right down to blaming the wife (as bad as blaming soley the other women, why can't some women accept men can think to make decisions and lies? )


I haven't however lost sympathy, because honestly, I think we'd all seek to be convinced that our situation (whatever it is, and I know if one thinks hard enough even the best person can think of sometime they have been in the wrong) is justifyable..different from the others on paper.

I have no idea what the guy will decide longterm....I know a lot are convinced he won't leave, but marriages break up every day.

I do think if he does leave the wife PTN will, if she is honest with herself, perhaps realise she hasn't always been told the truth. She will get to see him more than his wife, because I am as certain as I can be he doesn't work as hard as he believes he does, and he won't need to use a computer in the evenings or, probably, work six days a week...because you take out a set of text messages/phone calls to two diferent homes and an afternoon /evening/day a fortnight and you get a lot of extra work time to condense stuff down into.

lostinrates

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

Wise words...BUT occasional tetchiness is surely part of being human...never to be that way is a bit Stepford, surely?

yes, it is, absolutely. But I bet that natural tendancy is the basis of an awfu;l lot of men who say ''I stay with her for the kids, there is no love'' because she snapped at another black sock hiding in a pair of pants ending in the washing mashine (I HATE it when men ball their socks up with their pants:mad:) or ''she doesn't love me'' because she's not being stepford and actually isn't doing her 90% of the housework with a grin on her face and suspenders on her body.

I'm not placing blame on the women (or wronged party) here, but thinking it though to myself on screen (which a lot of my posts have been) I think there are times I am guilty of not showing love in frustration of mountains of housework/my health problems/whatever. I'm personallly going to make sure that remains an odd time out, not a habit....its a habit you do see people fall into.

gratefulforhelp_2

lostinrates wrote: »

I'm personallly going to make sure that remains an odd time out, not a habit....its a habit you do see people fall into.

Well I'm going to try!

Pollycat

FatVonD wrote: »

Lots of people (on both sides of the argument) have been very rude and aggressive in their posts and I think it would be a great shame (not to mention convenient) to dismiss someone's opinion because of their age and/or aspergers.

I've not been rude or aggressive to the OP (or anybody else posting on this thread - AFAIK).

I would never dismiss someone's views because of their age or because they have Asperger's.

My point was that until Errata mentioned it, we were pretty much unaware that Radiography had Aspergers.

Maybe if (when people were commenting on the tone of her posts) she'd said that, more posters would have understood.

I personally don't see having Aspergers as being an excuse to post in an aggressive manner.
Or maybe I simply don't understand the condition.

bugslet

Of course there are plenty of tetchy times and snapping from women, but isn't there also from men?

i live with someone who is obsessed with work. The last time it was as bad as it is currently I told him something was going to have to give in the relationship, six months later he had an affair. Was I caring about him in the previous 6 months before the affair, I'd pretty much given up after all the snapping from him. Now it's like a replay, only I think it's his health that will give in this time.

Women get snappy, sometimes for no reason, sometimes for a reason.

POPPYOSCAR

Purpletoenails, going by some of your recent posts, I can't help thinking that you are making this all a bit too easy for him.