Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

MissMitch

Relationships are built on faith, and the willingness to trust, to conciously choose to put your trust in someone, but hey, no matter how iron-clad you think you have it they still might let you down one day and that is the truth I'm afraid. There is no 100% and the sooner you accept that the easier your passage through life will be because you will take your control back and not leave it in the hands of other people who you can't let into your life because they might hurt you.

Anyway, I'm not meaning to have a go at you, I do feel sorry that you've been so badly hurt, but lower the bar at bit and give us mere mortals a chance huh?

Frogletina

Ten years ago, my partner said he had been thinking for 6 months about whether he should stay with me or not, and had decided that we should split up.

He'd not had affairs, but had a few one night stands that he had previously told me about - 'being honest' is what he called it. His reasons for the one night stands were lust, curiosity, availability. He said 'They meant nothing to me' - that he still loved me, which is why he was still with me.

I would have done anything to have him stay with me - call me weak, call me what you like - I was in love with him.

I wish he'd told me he had doubts about us staying together - wish I'd had the opportunity during those 6 months to see if we could have talked together to resolve any problems. When he spoke to me it was a fait accompli, for him there was no going back

But I did love him enough to accept that he wasn't happy and let him go. Ten years later, he's not found 'the one', and neither have I. Maybe he's better single, maybe I am. It took me a long time to get over him - but I had to accept that it was what he wanted.

You may say karma was invoked because I'd left my marriage to be with him. But I have no regrets - when I met him, I knew I had to be with him, a great passion - you can call me foolish, immoral, whatever you like - but until these things happen, no-one knows how they will react.

victory

radio You really need to tone it down, there are ways of expressing an oppinion and yours is valid as ours is but there are pleasanter ways.:D

lostinrates

radiography wrote: »

You attack me for idealism, but prop up OP's pursuit of an idealistic fantasy where she is whisked away by a man she has rescued from his - supposedly awful - wife. You accuse me of having no empathy for other peoples' viewpoints whilst dismissing my own views as the product of youth, something I'll "grow out of". .

As one who has made no comment directed soley at you, I admire your idealism, but think your tone could do with some work. Throughout this thread my thoughts have been with the wife...(my very personal opinion is that PTN is ...lets say, tunnel visioned and found it understandably easy to follow anything she's heard from the man, who himself must have some need to justify to himself his action, and so mountains might be made of molehills, and blame found that really might be just ordinary human flaws).

I feel that being quite so....bumptious....about presenting this point of view, unfogively, is not helping actually convey the message you intent.

Think of an itch, say, on the ankle, no where so annoying as an itch on the sole of the foot, but on the ankle or calf, really, itchy. Maybe an insect bite. Its not pain, its not so bad, its a normal human ''experience'', doesn't make you want to job your leg of...but think about it. I'm itchy just writing about it, even though I know itches pass, the more I think about it the more annoying it is, and I think about it not just as the itch but the leg. If All you think about is the itch and the hatred of the leg, you for get the leg is also a pretty useful thing. Thinking for a moment about the leg, and how it gets places, the itch suddenly seems less intence...just as well, as it was an imaginary itch..... rplace itch with wifes annoying habits/presense in this situation.....the way you put your view acroos even I, firmly in the camp of the wife being the wronged party and PTN's action being wrong...even I am finding it itchy.

I think PTN sounds a nice person with some pretty hefty compartamentalisation (his wife, not her problem, his kids, not her kids) and justification (its ok because we love each other/wife is a pain) going on. She might indeed be right about the wife ..but its, IMO, not her call to have made. Its possible to accept she is a person who is thinking in her best interests, not overall morality. People who are rude support her justifications and ignoring the complexity of emotion in the situation makes the justifications, what people in a quandy look to for why ''their situation'' is different, seem valid.

(In fact, sadly, this isn't so different, I think most people in PTN's people...what she called ''those other women'' would feel pretty similarly in love or ''slushy''....after all, why bother otherwise with any relationship with no commitment if the rollercoaster or smooshiness isn't there; similarly have the chap play for time while he makes a decision; and similarly blame the wife (there always ''is a lot more going on'' I think, when the wife is discussed ). Its easy to think I can see this from the outside, but I genuinely doubt PTN sees it anything like that.

radiography, its not what you saying, but how you are saying it that makes your comments self defeating atm.

Marisco

There you go radio!! Read lostinrates' post, and you'll see why you get up peoples' noses and she doesn't! As for the women you work with, has it ever occurred to you, that because of the way you come accross, some might be telling you what you want to hear? They might not want you getting on your high horse whenever the subject comes up.

purpletoenails

radiography wrote: »

To all the women who attacked me for my age and submitted patronising comments about "idealism" and "accepting other peoples' choices when you're older":

I work with around thirty women in their forties and fifties. Some are divorced, some are on their second or third marriage, some have boyfriends. I hear all about their partners.

The most striking attribute that all these women possess is self-respect. None of them would play second fiddle to a man's wife, or defend a woman who is willing to do that. They are independent people who have lives outside of romance and an obsession with "the one". Some of them have been cheated on themselves, and say that the mistress is welcome to their previous man, as they have moved on to better things. I enjoy their company and don't see them as "different" to myself because they're older, and this is mutual. I have not experienced such ridiculous ageism since I was fourteen and in the company of twenty-something forum members - it's nice to know that some people really never grow up.

You attack me for idealism, but prop up OP's pursuit of an idealistic fantasy where she is whisked away by a man she has rescued from his - supposedly awful - wife. You accuse me of having no empathy for other peoples' viewpoints whilst dismissing my own views as the product of youth, something I'll "grow out of". You presume I haven't experienced pain or loss in life because I'm younger than you and you simply must be more important, your life more dramatic.

I pity any younger women in your lives. You are simply unbearably !!!!!y.

Apologies again, I said in my post that it was not meant to be patronizing and no one was attacking you because of your age. I have a son of your age and I admire greatly his strong opinions and thoughts on the way the world should be, it's certainly much better to be like that than being apathetic.

However until you have been in a situation or been closely involved in a situation you really cannot truly know how the people are feeling or why a situation might have occured. The older you get, the more likely you are to have experienced these things and will therefore have a greater understanding/empathy/tolerance to what is going on and be able to see the wider picture - through having some experience of it rather than just because it is your opinion.

RE: the bolded bit of your post - I'm pretty certain that everyone that knows me would think the same of me.

lostinrates

Marisco wrote: »

There you go radio!! Read lostinrates' post, and you'll see why you get up peoples' noses and she doesn't! .

Oh, thank you, but I do often i have my fair share of bites here. That's ok its an internet forum.....they itch rather than hurt

Also, the fact that I have communication problems (spelling, weird syntax, convuluted and odd words) at times REALLY annoys people.....who talk about educcation etc. When I explain I was a scholarship Phd student at one point...before a nurological illness hit and changed my life and my brain, and that in the last ten years I've had to relearn not just writing and talking in one language (I was biligual ''before'') but the very concept of language they hopefully feel a little itchy themselves.

victory

It is true what you say though lostin there are ways and ptn stop apologizing no need:D

purpletoenails

victory wrote: »

It is true what you say though lostin there are ways and ptn stop apologizing no need:D

Sorry, I'll try not to do it again

POPPYOSCAR

I tend to switch off from those that 'preach' and those that rant and rave.

I am much easier persuaded by reasoned debate.