Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

lostinrates

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

She does not want to confront him for fear of losing him so is happy to deny it to herself so that she can continue in her marriage.

I, could not live like that, but I have known her for so many years and have come to understand her and know for her she thinks she is doing the right thing.

1. She is reasonably happy as she is as she still has him.

2. She confronts him, he leaves possibly, and she then has to live her life without him and will be devastated.

She is choosing the lesser of two evils.

Do you know him well? Do you think the likely hood of him leaving eventually is significant? What would that do to her?

POPPYOSCAR

radiography wrote: »

"In sickness and in health" has lost its meaning nowadays then? I would care for my partner if he was in ill health and wouldn't expect the right to cheat on him.

If someone wants more, they can leave and let the family care for the partner. Not have their cake - being respected as "loving wife caring for husband" - and eat it in the form of sleeping with a different bloke.

If this is what lostinrates and her Oh have agreed between them, who is any one to question their decision.No one would be 'cheating' in these circumstances.

I for one, think this is a wonderful, loving and unselfish act on her part, and I commend her for it.

lostinrates

radiography wrote: »

What you are describing is a pre-arranged, highly conditional polyamorous situation rather than an affair.

hmm, perhaps having been in open relationships that is why I'm comfortable with it, but that';s not how I view it playing out, not that I'd have much say in it! I expect he would become ''in love'' with the new partner and I would be a bit like ''the old dog'' who is loved and whose needs are met. I would hope they would have as wonderful a relationship as he and I now have, including, because its what he would want, monogamy.

lostinrates

radiography wrote: »

If no one's cheating, then it's not an example of cheating being OK or "morally grey" then, is it, and therefore irrelevant to this discussion.

it is IMO, in response to

''

There is no moral justification for having an affair.

I'd hope he'd do it if we hadn't discussed it. It became a point of discussion only because of our circumstances making it so, any couple could find them selves in the position, and I can't believe many wouldn't want support, love and happiness for their partner in such a situation as well as their care needs met.

POPPYOSCAR

lostinrates wrote: »

Do you know him well? Do you think the likely hood of him leaving eventually is significant? What would that do to her?

Yes I know them both and have done for about 15 years.

I do not think he would leave(but who knows?) they have a strange marriage to me. They each have their own money and pay for things
for their child on their own etc.

She works and keeps her income. He gives her housekeeping set amount each week. He goes on holiday on his own sometimes.

I used to say things to both of them at one time but I have given up now as it did not make any difference.

I think if he were to leave she would fall apart. He and their child are her world.

VestanPance

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

She does not want to confront him for fear of losing him so is happy to deny it to herself so that she can continue in her marriage.

I, could not live like that, but I have known her for so many years and have come to understand her and know for her she thinks she is doing the right thing.

1. She is reasonably happy as she is as she still has him.

2. She confronts him, he leaves possibly, and she then has to live her life without him and will be devastated.

She is choosing the lesser of two evils.

She sounds weak. She's willing to let someone treat her like an after thought and not address the situation through fear. Doesn't sound like a marriage based on equality or togetherness.

It must be horrible to view yourself so badly to allow that to happen.

VestanPance

nickyhutch wrote: »

*sigh* No, it isn't.

What's yours? "Tar them all with my ex's brush, all of them?"

No, I just call things as they happen.

Even prior to my ex's behaviour I had no time for cheats. It's a very clear situation of right and wrong and all the more depressing when people try to dress up their justifications for taking such actions.

gratefulforhelp_2

Thankyou radiography you explained collective morality better than I could.:T

catkins wrote: »

I realise not everyone is as lucky as me with their marriage but an awful lot of people are not prepared to work at their marriage. The slightest problem and they give up.
Yes we are lucky but we also put it down to not having any children

The bolded bit is because too much dubious unproven counselling and too many self help books, together with a consumerist culture, have given people the idea that if they are not happy, they should chuck it away and get another one.

I understand what you're saying about children, I think - that you haven't had the stresses and strains of family life?

VestanPance wrote: »

Catkins sounds like you made your own luck.

Agreed.

MissMitch wrote: »

Whilst I agree there is collective morality, it would is obviously a variable concept, dependant on many things such as religion, culture, experience, history..etc...etc...etc. and I really fight against
labeling things as 'wrong' 'immoral' 'bad behaviour' etc. as I think that is lazy and more often then not entirely unhelpful and unhealthy.

I have more faith in encouraging personal responsiblity than rather than collective morality as having a positive effect on 'society' as if you really take responsibility for your actions you are much more likely to 'self-right' and behave responsibly rather than if you are constantly made to feel that you are bad, wrong, immoral etc by the standards of your peers as then you might just give up and play the role!

This has been answered well by radiography, your first para ignores the fact that our collective morality is built into and demonstrated by, our legal syastem.

POPPYOSCAR

VestanPance wrote: »

She sounds weak. She's willing to let someone treat her like an after thought and not address the situation through fear. Doesn't sound like a marriage based on equality or togetherness.

It must be horrible to view yourself so badly to allow that to happen.

Yes she is a weak person and yes they have the sort of marriage that I would not be able to tolerate.

I doubt that she views herself so badly as she is reasonably happy and seems to accept it as her lot and just gets on with it.

Is she so wrong? ,she is after all keeping her marriage vows(even if he possibly isn't) and is keeping the marriage going, is this worse than confronting him and possibly getting divorced? - I don't know.

gratefulforhelp_2

No she isn't wrong.