Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

lostinrates

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Yes it would be for some people but not for all.

I have friends who I think the husband is having affairs. I also think she has an idea but does not want to know as it would blow her world apart. To some ignorance is bliss.

But i'm talking about BEFORE an affair...crucial difference in timeline!

Yes, this IS different and interesting though...perhaps some would argue the right thing to do is not to tell if you never plan to leave just to play away. Otherwise, if you leave its not ignorance and bliss...its delayed truth and heartache I guess?

VestanPance

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Yes it would be for some people but not for all.

I have friends who I think the husband is having affairs. I also think she has an idea but does not want to know as it would blow her world apart. To some ignorance is bliss.

I think lostinrates was commenting that people should address the issue with their partner, rather than have an affair in the first place. If the issue (or issues) can't be resolved then you both part ways and are then free to seek a new relationship.

The "unhappy partner" as a license to go look for a solution with another through lies and deceit, while still with the original partner is a cowards way. It's classic Monty Python 'run away, run away' at a problem than facing up to it.

nickyhutch

VestanPance wrote: »

No, people are in control of their own actions. Having an affair tells you a lot about someones character.

Making huge sweeping generalisations also tells you a lot about someone's character.

VestanPance

nickyhutch wrote: »

Making huge sweeping generalisations also tells you a lot about someone's character.

Run away, run away (with anothers husband)!

Isn't that your mantra?

catkins

purpletoenails wrote: »

catkins it is wonderful that your relationship is like this, and I'm sure everyone would aspire to be so happy together after so many years. Sadly not everyone is so lucky, people change, circumstances change and invariably not all marriages will survive.

I realise not everyone is as lucky as me with their marriage but an awful lot of people are not prepared to work at their marriage. The slightest problem and they give up.

We are very very happy but of course we have had rough times. Times when we have not got on that well, tough times moneywise - we had a house repossessed and had nowhere to go with about £10 being all the money we had and that was a very tough time to get through. There have been times when it would have been fairly easy to walk away but we both knew that we still loved each other, we both strongly believe in marriage being for ever and were not going to give up on x years of marriage just because things were not going so smoothly.

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Don't rest on your laurels. I'd have said the same about our 36 year marriage, until he decided to go walkabouts with some predatory tart at work who made a play for him.

If anyone is interested and remembers my post way back in this thread, it looks like she's finally managed to split us up. Ironic that she's the same age as PTN. My OH is yonks older than blokey though and really should have known better, but such is life.

I am not resting on my laurels by any means. As I said above, we have been through some tough times but our love has always been strong.

My husband has had women "making a play" for him but he just laughed at them and came and told me. We both have very strong morals and believe totally in marriage being for ever.

If one of us stopped loving the other we would tell them and split up - we would not divorce because neither of us believe in divorce but after so long together and how happy we are it is very unlikely ever to happen. Everyone comments about how happy we are and that we act like newlyweds rather than a couple who have been married over 30 years. Yes we are lucky but we also put it down to not having any children

VestanPance

Catkins sounds like you made your own luck.

POPPYOSCAR

catkins wrote: »

I realise not everyone is as lucky as me with their marriage but an awful lot of people are not prepared to work at their marriage. The slightest problem and they give up.

We are very very happy but of course we have had rough times. Times when we have not got on that well, tough times moneywise - we had a house repossessed and had nowhere to go with about £10 being all the money we had and that was a very tough time to get through. There have been times when it would have been fairly easy to walk away but we both knew that we still loved each other, we both strongly believe in marriage being for ever and were not going to give up on x years of marriage just because things were not going so smoothly.





I am not resting on my laurels by any means. As I said above, we have been through some tough times but our love has always been strong.

My husband has had women "making a play" for him but he just laughed at them and came and told me. We both have very strong morals and believe totally in marriage being for ever.

If one of us stopped loving the other we would tell them and split up - we would not divorce because neither of us believe in divorce but after so long together and how happy we are it is very unlikely ever to happen. Everyone comments about how happy we are and that we act like newlyweds rather than a couple who have been married over 30 years. Yes we are lucky but we also put it down to not having any children

What makes you say that.

We have been together over 25 years and are the same. We have two teenage children who tell us all the time 'to get a room'!!

MissMitch

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

The "black and white" argument is a lazy way of avoiding the fact that some things are in our collective view, immoral.

To argue that there is not a collective morality is to deny that we live in a country with laws against activities that we see collectively as wrong, e.g. fraud.



Absolutely agree.

Whilst I agree there is collective morality, it would is obviously a variable concept, dependant on many things such as religion, culture, experience, history..etc...etc...etc. and I really fight against
labeling things as 'wrong' 'immoral' 'bad behaviour' etc. as I think that is lazy and more often then not entirely unhelpful and unhealthy.

I have more faith in encouraging personal responsiblity than rather than collective morality as having a positive effect on 'society' as if you really take responsibility for your actions you are much more likely to 'self-right' and behave responsibly rather than if you are constantly made to feel that you are bad, wrong, immoral etc by the standards of your peers as then you might just give up and play the role!

POPPYOSCAR

VestanPance wrote: »

I think lostinrates was commenting that people should address the issue with their partner, rather than have an affair in the first place. If the issue (or issues) can't be resolved then you both part ways and are then free to seek a new relationship.

The "unhappy partner" as a license to go look for a solution with another through lies and deceit, while still with the original partner is a cowards way. It's classic Monty Python 'run away, run away' at a problem than facing up to it.

But the affairs might be keeping the marriage going.


The point I am trying to make is that had he gone to her and said I feel like I want to have an affair because of xyz and xyz could not be fixed and they had split, she would be devastated.

Perhaps the affairs are satisfying a need for him and sustaining their marriage. Not the way I would even contemplate to live my life but we are all different.

lostinrates

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

But the affairs might be keeping the marriage going.


The point I am trying to make is that had he gone to her and said I feel like I want to have an affair because of xyz and xyz could not be fixed and they had split, she would be devastated.

Perhaps the affairs are satisfying a need for him and sustaining their marriage. Not the way I would even contemplate to live my life but we are all different.

This is possible. But tough on the OTHer woman if he strings her along. The original question asked was if affairs can have a happy ending, and I still wonde rif they really can for all parties in the short/medium term. I haven't been convinced otherwise and feel that all the adults are at risk of being hurt and in certain cases, families (though accept some children didn't turn a hair or feel resentment and even relief) and wider friends and families are also at risk of some amount of unhappiness in the majority of cases.