Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

lostinrates

MissMitch wrote: »

Of course there are people who have habitual affairs for no other reason then the thrill of it, but I really believe they are in the minority and it certainly doesn't seem to be the case in this instance.

OK. I sort of agree...but..here's the thing. Putting PTN's situation aside for a moment. I look at my very dear friend and her mulitple relationships with married men. She would tell you with her hand on a Bible its not a thrill seeking predatory behaviour of hers, and I believe she sincerely means it. However I also think there is something in that relationship type that answers a need she doesn't seem aware of having. Even my dh picked that up....he's not terribly interested in human behaviour. I think in the same way I needed very badly NOT to have a relationship with my could have been because the self disgust arising over that over a situation would have been more than is ''average''. That is a flaw too. It fits into what society accepts so in that case it was a useful flaw.

When I look at the group of women I've overheard over the years in my mother's house I doubt the ones who most people would pick out and call ''habitually predatory'' would see themselves that way. Their conscious response would be more likely that they wanted what they wanted and his wider situation was his look out not theirs...as I say I don't think many of us look too closely at the less attractive sides of ourselves, and we all have them. Most relationships have flaws too...even really very good ones....
because human flawed people have them, so sometimes we make mistakes that impact on others. Sometimes they are one offs, sometimes they becaome habitual.

Bogof_Babe

FatVonD wrote: »

While I think you should be heaping more of the blame onto your husband I'm sorry to hear your news

Oh I do NOW, but I made the mistake of believing all the damn lies for far too long. You could say the scales have finally fallen from my eyes.

PTN I appreciate your sympathy but can't respond in the circs, as anything I say might not be very kind, and it's *her* not you that I have a grudge against.

POPPYOSCAR

BOGOFBABE I am so sorry to hear this.

I do hope you are ok.

Marisco

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Oh I do NOW, but I made the mistake of believing all the damn lies for far too long. You could say the scales have finally fallen from my eyes.

PTN I appreciate your sympathy but can't respond in the circs, as anything I say might not be very kind, and it's *her* not you that I have a grudge against.

Whilst I can understand this, I was the same initially, blame has to be apportioned on both sides. Looking back, if me and my ex were happy it wouldn't have happened!! As I've said before,in a truly happy marriage, no one can split them up. Someone has to be unhappy, even if the other is unaware of it! I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in Bogof, I've been there, and know how hurtful it is, but (I know it's no consolation at the min) it will pass, and you'll emerge the other end stronger for it, and take no bullsh** from anyone ever again!!

And to the person who said everything is black and white, what a ridiculous statement!! If that were true, then there would never be any mistakes done, no bad decisions ever taken, and everyone would be a perfect person!!

MissMitch

I know what you're saying and I don't know the answer but I think, from my own experiencemaybe there's an element of 'limited opportunity' to have a relationship if you don't desire a certain 'orthodox' level of commitment and therefore you get the level that you're comfortable with from someone who is, sadly, already involved with someone else as it takes the pressure off a full-on committed relationship, and the unattached men that are available are often content with either playing the field or (and I'm talking by a certain age here) can be completely the other way and so controlling, possessive and demanding that quite frankly it's just damn scary! :eek:

I'm not going to explain myself very well here, quite frankly because I don't quite understand it myself, but I couldn't be as committed to a full-blown relationship unless there was a MASSIVE degree of freedom - not to **** around, but to come and go as I please and totally live my own life - and in 40 something years the idea of marriage has never crossed my mind because it's just not something I've ever wanted to do. However, I would still want a faithful relationship ideally...I'm a monogomist, free-spirited old hippy, and in my experience so far there's not many of us about, but I live in hope.

For the record I've never been involved with with a married man, although I have with a man with a girlfriend, and on the whole I don't get involved with anyone unless I'm really very interested and think it could work...but maybe this explains the "habitual preditor" mindset a bit. Or another explanation is that they are looking for some kind of validation when and if the man (or woman) puts them above their existing spouse.

People are funny things, but I like my world with multiple shades of grey!!! :rotfl:

FatVonD

There's an article about affairs with some statistics and comment from a sex and relationship expert in today's Metro if anyone's interested. I've looked at their website and can't find it on there but my search abilities are somewhat lacking, someone else may be able to find it.

lostinrates

Marisco wrote: »

Someone has to be unhappy, even if the other is unaware of it! !

and that is where the story of responsibility starts, surely....going to the ''happy partner'' and manning up to the situation that there is a problem and seeing if a soljution can be found together, or not.

POPPYOSCAR

lostinrates wrote: »

and that is where the story of responsibility starts, surely....going to the ''happy partner'' and manning up to the situation that there is a problem and seeing if a soljution can be found together, or not.

Yes it would be for some people but not for all.

I have friends who I think the husband is having affairs. I also think she has an idea but does not want to know as it would blow her world apart. To some ignorance is bliss.

gratefulforhelp_2

VestanPance wrote: »

These type of situations are very black and white. People only see grey where they want to.

The "black and white" argument is a lazy way of avoiding the fact that some things are in our collective view, immoral.

To argue that there is not a collective morality is to deny that we live in a country with laws against activities that we see collectively as wrong, e.g. fraud.

radiography wrote: »

I don't think you know what "black and white morality" means. It refers to things objectively being completely wrong or completely right, not people being unable - or, more commonly, unwilling - to see which is which.

Most things are morally black and white, but people choose to lie to themselves and see them as grey to justify their bad behaviour.

Someone acting immorally isn't an indicator that the situation is "morally grey", it just means that person has chosen to act badly out of selfishness, stupidity, etc.

Absolutely agree.

eta James sounds like a real catch.

FatVonD

radiography wrote: »

This one?

I bow to your superior search skills!

The article has been cut a little and has lost the 'expert' box about the 5 different types of affairs but yes, that's it!