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Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

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  • Bogof_Babe wrote: »
    It all sounds very sweet actually. I can picture the two of you (well obviously I don't know what you look like) sitting on a park bench feeding the ducks when you have your "dates".
    We just tend to have drinks, dinner, go look at things, walks etc. Nothing earth shattering, but we always have a lovely time.
  • Well I suppose that if he left, his daughter wouldn't be moving 100 odd miles away to a new house and new school and trying to make new friends. She would still be able to see him and all her extended family whenever she wanted to. But you are correct in what you are saying, it is a very big ask.



    As I see it, if he left his wife for you, then he will (presumably) be making a property / financial scarifice not to mention the potential loss of respect from friends / family / work colleagues.

    Life for his family will never be the same again and as for his daughter being able to see him whenever she wants, would that be the time that he isn't working or playing happy families with yours?

    As far as I can see it, everyone else (even your lover) would lose something so I guess the question is what would you be scarificng PTN?
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  • Bogof_Babe
    Bogof_Babe Posts: 10,803 Forumite
    I said I don't know what you look like, but I'm looking differently at everyone I see with purple toenails! :rotfl:

    If you need a disguise you could always paint them pink! :D
    :D I haven't bogged off yet, and I ain't no babe :D

  • As I see it, if he left his wife for you, then he will (presumably) be making a property / financial scarifice not to mention the potential loss of respect from friends / family / work colleagues.

    Life for his family will never be the same again and as for his daughter being able to see him whenever she wants, would that be the time that he isn't working or playing happy families with yours?

    As far as I can see it, everyone else (even your lover) would lose something so I guess the question is what would you be scarificng PTN?

    I appreciate how much he would have to give up and this is why I would not be surprised in the least if he didn't leave. If I moved to be with him I would have to leave my job, my home, my friends and my extended family who all live close by to move to a very large city where I'd know no one but him.
    Bogof_Babe wrote: »
    I said I don't know what you look like, but I'm looking differently at everyone I see with purple toenails! :rotfl:

    If you need a disguise you could always paint them pink! :D

    I've done them red now, just in case :p
  • poet123
    poet123 Posts: 24,099 Forumite

    Well if thats the case then it kind of invalidates any arguments people might be making that hes using me for sex.

    Whatever his reasoning, if he is still sleeping with his wife he is using you, be it for sex or emotional support.

    My point was that few healthy men would be happy with that amount of sex, so do you not think that whatever his issues with his wife, they would appear to be not serious enough to stop him sleeping with her? Do you not think about that when he leaves you?
  • cheepskate_2
    cheepskate_2 Posts: 1,669 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    edited 3 September 2011 at 7:24PM
    And if you have only made the effort/time/space to have sex 6 times in 26 meetings(based on every two weeks) then do you not think he will also be taking into account the "effort " you are making when deciding if his life with the wife is as bad as he makes out.

    think of the effort you two will make once you have been together a few years and monotony sets in.
  • jetplane
    jetplane Posts: 1,615 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    Just re-read your OP
    I have been having a relationship with a married man for some time now and I'm starting to get fed up with the situation and wonder if this is all it's ever going to be. How likely is it that a married man would leave his wife for the 'other woman', How do I know if he's serious about me or just toying with me? I know he does love me, but that's not always enough is it?
    I am really torn at the moment whether to let things carry on, or to walk away.
    PT x

    I think you were just fed up when you wrote this and needed some reassurance from him but I believe it looks like you may have been goaded into an ultimatum by some posters to see if he is toying with you or serious.

    I don't know how old you both are but sex 6 times and walks and talks sound more like a companionship than an affair. Only you know if you could accept that this is all it would ever be. It is unlikely that he will leave his wife after this long as he really doesn't need to.

    If you do not want to disrupt your own daughter then grant his own the same respect. His daughter may not have to move but do not underestimate the impact that her mothers grief and her own shock will have on her exams and prospects.

    Take control yourself. If you can't accept that this is all it might be then walk away don't begin to rely on him for your needs and don't be holding to his decision. Affairs do happen, some families stick together and some don't. Some affairs last decades, but like any relationship if he isn't able to offer what you need now then don't assume he will be able to when he leaves his wife.

    Be careful what you wish for.
    The most potent weapon of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed. Steve Biko
  • POPPYOSCAR
    POPPYOSCAR Posts: 14,902 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    Perhaps as he is working 6/7 days a week he is just too knackered for all this sex!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • poet123
    poet123 Posts: 24,099 Forumite
    cheepskate wrote: »
    And if you have only made the effort/time/space to have sex 6 times in 26 meetings(based on every two weeks) then do you not think he will also be taking into account the "effort " you are making when deciding if his life with the wife is as bad as he makes out.

    think of the effort you two will make once you have been together a few years and monotony sets in.

    I think that is a bit unfair, we don't know who makes the arrangements so that they can do the deed! or the dynamic of the relationship. It may be him who is not making the effort (because he is not going short) or it may be PTN who thinks a connection on a cerebral level is preferable, a combination of both, or it may be circumstance.
  • poet123 wrote: »
    Whatever his reasoning, if he is still sleeping with his wife he is using you, be it for sex or emotional support.

    My point was that few healthy men would be happy with that amount of sex, so do you not think that whatever his issues with his wife, they would appear to be not serious enough to stop him sleeping with her? Do you not think about that when he leaves you?

    No I don't really think about it. His relationship with his wife is his concern. It is quite clear that he would like to have sex with me more often, and is frustrating for us both.
    cheepskate wrote: »
    And if you have only made the effort/time/space to have sex 6 times in 26 meetings(based on every two weeks) then do you not think he will also be taking into account the "effort " you are making when deciding if his life with the wife is as bad as he makes out.

    think of the effort you two will make once you have been together a few years and monotony sets in.

    What do you expect me to to do? Arrive to meet him in a short skirt and no knickers and drag him down the nearest dark alley for a quick knee trembler?
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