Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

gratefulforhelp_2

I think if you believe that love is a feeling and something that happens to you, then you couldn't, but if you believe that love is an action, or a set of actions, then you could.

I just know that we both believe the latter (which isn't to say he won't head for the hills with a new woman/man one day).

nickyhutch

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

I think if you believe that love is a feeling and something that happens to you, then you couldn't, but if you believe that love is an action, or a set of actions, then you could.

I just know that we both believe the latter (which isn't to say he won't head for the hills with a new woman/man one day).

I believe both, and I still couldn't. Waking up next to someone who doesn't want to be with me, getting him a coffee, making his breakfast, packing his lunch, waving him off, texting and calling him during the day, getting home and asking how his day was, making tea, going out for a drink, a meal, a film, watching TV together, playing a game, going out with friends, having a weekend away, going on holiday, kissing, cuddling, holding hands, being affectionate, having sex - all with someone who I know doesn't want to be with me? I don't think so; that's really not what I'd call a fulfilling relationship. I wouldn't want my son to grow up watching a relationship that didn't have all that and thinking that's what marriage should be like.

Each to their own though. I do understand that different people need and want different things.

gratefulforhelp_2

You believe both...but don't you believe one more than the other?

nickyhutch

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

You believe both...but don't you believe one more than the other?

No.

What about the rest of what I said?

POPPYOSCAR

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

I think if you believe that love is a feeling and something that happens to you, then you couldn't, but if you believe that love is an action, or a set of actions, then you could.

I just know that we both believe the latter (which isn't to say he won't head for the hills with a new woman/man one day).

I also believe it to be both. I also believe there is a big difference between 'being in love' with someone and loving someone.

gratefulforhelp_2

nickyhutch wrote: »

No.

What about the rest of what I said?

We have already established that you and I have different attitudes to marriage, so you couldn't put up with it, but I think I would.

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I also believe it to be both. I also believe there is a big difference between 'being in love' with someone and loving someone.

I confess I'm struggling to understand how you can think both are equally true.

Maybe I didn't explain the "love is a verb" bit? I don't mean love is in the things you do for someone you love (though of course that's true also), I mean real love, enduring love, is nothing at all to do with being "in love". ?????????????????

POPPYOSCAR

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

We have already established that you and I have different attitudes to marriage, so you couldn't put up with it, but I think I would.



I confess I'm struggling to understand how you can think both are equally true.

Maybe I didn't explain the "love is a verb" bit? I don't mean love is in the things you do for someone you love (though of course that's true also), I mean real love, enduring love, is nothing at all to do with being "in love". ?????????????????

I would disagree with you on this.

I have real enduring love with my OH and we are 'in love' and are still 'in love' after over 25 years together.Perhaps we are just lucky.

I have friends who tell me that they love their OH but that they are not 'in love' with them and this is leading to problems within their marriages.

mountainofdebt

nickyhutch wrote: »

I don't think children growing up in a marriage that only continues because of duty does them much good.

And this is why, from my experience PTN's lover is only slightly more the guilty party in my eyes than PTN herself.

In my case it was blindly obvious that there was something wrong with my parent's marriage yet it was only when my sister had finished her education 3 years after all the issues began, did my father announce he was leaving - and even then the !!!!!! strung my mother along for another 9 months before he finally slung his hook. It was obviously done for financial purposes and whilst I full accept adults (and that includes parents) can fall out of love I lost all respect I ever had for him as a result of his deviousness. Haven't spoken to him for over 20 years and if I never speak to him again it won't bother me at all.

Any news he gets about me, OH or Junior always reaches he through other family members. There's not alot I can do about that unfortunately.

If he had acted a little more honourably I'm sure that my decision would have been different.

And this is where we draw the similarity between my experience and PTN's lover - he is merely making a FINANCIAL decision - love has nothing to do with it and if I was PTN that would hurt like hell to know that our relationship was being valued in terms of £s rather than whether I was really the one he wanted to be with.

nickyhutch

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

We have already established that you and I have different attitudes to marriage, so you couldn't put up with it, but I think I would.



I confess I'm struggling to understand how you can think both are equally true.

I confess I'm struggling to understand how a person can agree to spend the rest of their life with someone who doesn't want to be with them, but if it suits (would suit) you, then I wouldn't criticise.

I think those two are equally true. I don't think too hard about it, to be honest. Maybe I would if I was unhappy or felt that things weren't quite right, but I'm happy, OH is happy, I love him, I know he loves me, so I don't sit and ponder on it. That makes me sound shallow and simplistic, so I'm not explaining it very well, but it's how I feel.

nickyhutch

mountainofdebt wrote: »

In my case it was blindly obvious that there was something wrong with my parent's marriage yet it was only when my sister had finished her education 3 years after all the issues began, did my father announce he was leaving - and even then the !!!!!! strung my mother along for another 9 months before he finally slung his hook. It was obviously done for financial purposes and whilst I full accept adults (and that includes parents) can fall out of love I lost all respect I ever had for him as a result of his deviousness. Haven't spoken to him for over 20 years and if I never speak to him again it won't bother me at all.

Any news he gets about me, OH or Junior always reaches he through other family members. There's not alot I can do about that unfortunately.

If he had acted a little more honourably I'm sure that my decision would have been different.

My Dad did all of that and more to my Mum, and to his second wife. My Mum and his second wife (both happily remarried) still speak to him, as do I and all my sibs. His kids all have a great relationship with him and I would have a huge hole in my life if I'd not chosen to cut him out of it.


And this is where we draw the similarity between my experience and PTN's lover - he is merely making a FINANCIAL decision - love has nothing to do with it and if I was PTN that would hurt like hell to know that our relationship was being valued in terms of £s rather than whether I was really the one he wanted to be with.

You can't know on what basis PTN's bloke is making his decision. You can surmise, but you can't possibly know. Even if he is, surely making sure his wife and children (can we remember they are near adults, not little tots?) are financially OK is a good, honourable thing to do?