Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

Lotus-eater

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Whilst I agree it is highly unlikely I do not think you can say the chances are zero for sure.

True. Lets say that IMO he won't leave to be by himself under any circumstances.

Errata

A man who stays with a wife even though he states he's unhappy and sees a GF once every couple of weeks even though he says he loves her is treating one of those two women as a convenience. If not both. That's the behaviour of a user.

clearingout

Hello purpletoenails - I do hope you get an end to this now, for everyone's sake. You know how I feel about affairs and the people that have them (on both sides) and the damage that it does to those who are betrayed and left behind, particularly the children. I feel strongly that this won't have a happy outcome, whatever happens, but I do hope that you're able to move on and achieve a level of personal happiness with or without this man. I think you have been generally amazing at how you have taken the comments made on this thread and whilst I think there is an enormous amount of naivety on your part, I don't consider you a 'bad' person or someone who wants to hurt other people. I also think you fully understand the consequences of your actions and that those consequences don't sit easy with you.

Good luck!

purpletoenails

lostinrates wrote: »

PTN, how do you know this is true....I raised this before, but its likely that on one day when his family probably think he is working he is seeing you. Is it not possible its the same the other way around?

He tells me when he's at work and when he's at home. I've no reason to think he would make it up. When he is at work he generally contacts me and I am able to contact him if I want to.

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

This is a new development at the 11th hour, about you not being able to move for two years. If I was him I'd be using that as the perfect "reason" to suggest you both carry on as you are for two years, which buys him lots of time to make his mind up.

If he really is your priority you would move your daughter to a different school to be with him. You've surprised me saying that's not an option.

Sorry, I'm pretty certain I mentioned this earlier in the thread, because someone commented that surely it would be better to have a long distance relationship with someone, than to continue being a bit on the side (or words to that effect) I will try to find the post later on.

Moving my daughter to a new school is not an option. She is gifted and has a very small but lovely group of friends, but she is shy and stubborn and I know she would feel her life was over if I tried to move her (and would probably try to emancipate herself from me so she could stay here or something extreme like that!)

peachyprice

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Tbh for at least the next 2 years he has no incentive to leave his wife if the both of you couldn't live together right now - what he would be prepared to live in some flat /bedsit having given up his home and no doubt a fair proportion of his income in maintenance so that in some point later on he could live with you when your domestic arrangements make it more convenient for you? I'm betting that he's using the time to see a solicitor to find out what his wife could take him for should he leave now and will base his decision on that.

But isn't this the way it should be?

Shouldn't he be making plans to leave is wife, setting up a life for himself, making sure his ex wife and children are provided for and access arrangements made? All this BEFORE making plans to move in with PTN.

Seems to me that if he did it that way it would be 'easier' for everyone, PTN wouldn't be seen as wrecking the marriage, he wouldn't be seen as jumping from his wife to his mistress, his children would get used to his parents being apart before having to cope with a new step mum.

This so obviously isn't a passionate affair where PTN and her beau need overwhelmingly to be together, so I don't really understand why the only options are for him to stay with his wife or move in with PTN, there has to be a middle ground that would convince PTN that they would be together eventually without rushing into living together.

purpletoenails

peachyprice wrote: »

But isn't this the way it should be?

Shouldn't he be making plans to leave is wife, setting up a life for himself, making sure his ex wife and children are provided for and access arrangements made? All this BEFORE making plans to move in with PTN.

Seems to me that if he did it that way it would be 'easier' for everyone, PTN wouldn't be seen as wrecking the marriage, he wouldn't be seen as jumping from his wife to his mistress, his children would get used to his parents being apart before having to cope with a new step mum. And I'm not sure my daughter would take very kindly to a man she doesn't know from adam suddenly living in our house after only having her mum (and brother) living here for the past 15 years!

This so obviously isn't a passionate affair where PTN and her beau need overwhelmingly to be together, so I don't really understand why the only options are for him to stay with his wife or move in with PTN, there has to be a middle ground that would convince PTN that they would be together eventually without rushing into living together.

Really good post, thank you - the only bit I would disagree with is when you say it's not passionate. I don't think either of us would be putting ourselves through this level of stress if we didn't think it was worth it.

peachyprice

Sorry, I meant passionate as in you have to be together right here right now and sod the consequences, you've obviously gone way beyond that.

(I left my ex 4 weeks after meeting my OH , we just couldn't live without each other, that's the sort of passion I was referring to)

jetplane

Of course he loves you and you love him, but we can love more than one person, and you will miss each other, however,

I understand what you are saying but I don't believe that he was looking to have an affair when we met, and neither am I convinced that he will go on to have another one if I walk away.

this suggests his marriage was stable before and will remain stable after. So you are the only thing preventing hurt to his wife and family because the status quo will return if you leave?

Thats a big responsibility.

You came along and the opportunity arose to have an affair, although once every couple of weeks is hardly anything to build a relationship on. He took the opportunity, but to suggest he wont look for anything else if you leave, suggests your simply a distraction.

By giving an ultimatum you have given him the upper hand because he now makes the decision for you. He either says no and dumps you, or you agree to carry on the way you are, or he says yes and you live with the doubt that you forced him. Either way its his decision and you lose.

peachy price makes a good point about passion, you both know when it has to be done and that you will deal with the fallout together. Sorry he just sounds too comfortable taking his time agonising over his decision.

Just think how much better you would feel if you had said no and then got on with your life and let him make the decision without any pressure. No doubt, as per your quote he would have gone back to his old life.

mountainofdebt

peachyprice wrote: »

But isn't this the way it should be?

Shouldn't he be making plans to leave is wife, setting up a life for himself, making sure his ex wife and children are provided for and access arrangements made? All this BEFORE making plans to move in with PTN.

Seems to me that if he did it that way it would be 'easier' for everyone, PTN wouldn't be seen as wrecking the marriage, he wouldn't be seen as jumping from his wife to his mistress, his children would get used to his parents being apart before having to cope with a new step mum.

This so obviously isn't a passionate affair where PTN and her beau need overwhelmingly to be together, so I don't really understand why the only options are for him to stay with his wife or move in with PTN, there has to be a middle ground that would convince PTN that they would be together eventually without rushing into living together.

What so PTN and her lover can make them feel good about themselves? So it appears that they innocently fell in love after he had separated from his wife?

PTN (and him) will have wrecked the marriage - (things would have a different appearance if they met after he had decided unilaterally to leave his wife -not after having received the ultimatium from PTN (btw if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it usually is a duck)) so all they would be doing in that circumstance is keeping up appearances

Do you honestly think no-one (and I mean no-one) has an inkling of what's going on even if they don't know all the facts ?

As for making plans to leave his wife then I truely feel sorry for her, and her alone. She's potentially about to have the rug pulled from under her feet and will only know about it when he decides to and has the plans for him and PTN in place.

Mind you some people deserve each other so perhaps PTN and her lover are meant to be together .....just be careful what you wish for becuase you might get it PTN.

purpletoenails

Marisco wrote: »

Then PTN might have to accept that this situation will probably carry on for the next two years, (unless she walks away) when she is "free" to move. As Bogof said, this has just been thrown into the equation, I think if this was known from the beginning, she might have got different answers!

Post 265 in blue