Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

mountainofdebt

Well I have to say it (though it gives me no pleasure) hands up who didn't see this happening.

At the end of the day he has had weeks to think about what he wants to do and when push comes to shove, he can't say to you that he will go home and tell his wife that he's leaving. He has asked you how long he has to decide an answer and you've said weeks ....to be honest he's treated you and your 'relationship' like someone would decide on a major purchase.....the fact that he hasn't 'chosen' you without a seconds thought now speaks volumes for me.

Of course he's still unhappy in his marriage - you've provided the distraction when things get rough / boring / he needs sex .....delete as appropriate.

I'm wondering if the fact that you have a school age daughter is the deal breaker - its one thing to chose a mistress where its just the two of you but its a completely different thing to move in with your mistress when she has a school age daughter, especially when you thought you were finished with bringing up children.

POPPYOSCAR

Purpletoenails - do you feel better or worse now you have laid your cards on the table to him?

purpletoenails

FatVonD wrote: »

What, even if it's true? Are we all supposed to pretend the Emporer's wearing clothes too just because you don't like the people who had an opposing opinion to yourself being proved right? I'm not sure anyone's been proved right yet - they may well be eventually, but not yet. Since when did you decide what people could and couldn't post?

[/end rant]

PTN, I do sympathise with you not having much chance to get out and meet someone new (been there, done that), I know you probably don't need the extra money but have you ever considered bar work as a way of getting out and meeting people? I've done it at many stages of my life and it gets you out of the house and meeting people (not just customers but other staff) and you get paid to be socialising in the same place you'd probably be paying to be in if you were out with friends.

Yes I do need the extra money, and I have done bar/waitressing work before and enjoyed it, so this could be an option for the future.

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Well I have to say it (though it gives me no pleasure) hands up who didn't see this happening. Nothing has really happened yet though

At the end of the day he has had weeks to think about what he wants to do and when push comes to shove, he can't say to you that he will go home and tell his wife that he's leaving. I didn't ask him to do that. He has asked you how long he has to decide an answer and you've said weeks ....to be honest he's treated you and your 'relationship' like someone would decide on a major purchase.....the fact that he hasn't 'chosen' you without a seconds thought now speaks volumes for me. I think leaving a marriage would be a much bigger decision than making a mafor purchase, especially when there are children, property, financial commitments etc involved. He needs to think about it very seriously.

Of course he's still unhappy in his marriage - you've provided the distraction when things get rough / boring / he needs sex .....delete as appropriate.

I'm wondering if the fact that you have a school age daughter is the deal breaker - its one thing to chose a mistress where its just the two of you but its a completely different thing to move in with your mistress when she has a school age daughter, especially when you thought you were finished with bringing up children.

I don't think my daughter would come in to it, his own daughter is only a year older. The things I've outlined above will be what he is thinking about, plus the physical distance from where he works and from where he has lived for the past 40 + years.

POPPYOSCAR

purpletoenails wrote: »

Yes I do need the extra money, and I have done bar/waitressing work before and enjoyed it, so this could be an option for the future.



I don't think my daughter would come in to it, his own daughter is only a year older. The things I've outlined above will be what he is thinking about, plus the physical distance from where he works and from where he has lived for the past 40 + years.

Would he have to move in with you then or would you move closer to accomodate this?

purpletoenails

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Purpletoenails - do you feel better or worse now you have laid your cards on the table to him?

I suppose I feel better in a way, although how I managed to say it I don't know, took about 10 attempts to get it out, because I really really didn't want to say it. I don't like feeling I've backed him into a corner though and actually feel quite bad about adding yet another pressure when he is already under a lot of stress.

But it's done now, and what will be, will be.

purpletoenails

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

[/B]


Would he have to move in with you then or would you move closer to accomodate this?

I couldn't really move for 2 years until my daughter finishes school, but would be fully prepared to move away after that. It would probably have to as a long distance relationship for a while.

POPPYOSCAR

purpletoenails wrote: »

I suppose I feel better in a way, although how I managed to say it I don't know, took about 10 attempts to get it out, because I really really didn't want to say it. I don't like feeling I've backed him into a corner though and actually feel quite bad about adding yet another pressure when he is already under a lot of stress.

But it's done now, and what will be, will be.

I don't think you have backed him into a corner. You obviously did not want to go on living your life like this, and he should, even if he does not want to, understand this.

I know you love him and care about him, but ultimately you must think of your future as if you keep putting his feelings and needs first you will remain unhappy.

POPPYOSCAR

purpletoenails wrote: »

I couldn't really move for 2 years until my daughter finishes school, but would be fully prepared to move away after that. It would probably have to as a long distance relationship for a while.

So if he were to leave, he would have to get another place to live and live on his own until you could move in 2 years time?

That would, I imagine, be quite a daunting prospect for him.

purpletoenails

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

So if he were to leave, he would have to get another place to live and live on his own until you could move in 2 years time?

That would, I imagine, be quite a daunting prospect for him.

Yes, I don't think he would relish a 2 hour each way commute each day, so he would need to stay near work, in the week at least, but at the moment he works 6 days most weeks, sometimes 7.

mountainofdebt

But you have backed him into a corner; you've basically said either its me or your wife/family

And as for the decision to leave a marriage - yes it is bigger / much more important than a car purchase for example but if he loved you that much and his marriage was that unhappy then he wouldn't have to go away to weigh up his happiness with you against £ and pence. There will always be the financial aspect for him to consider

Tbh for at least the next 2 years he has no incentive to leave his wife if the both of you couldn't live together right now - what he would be prepared to live in some flat /bedsit having given up his home and no doubt a fair proportion of his income in maintenance so that in some point later on he could live with you when your domestic arrangements make it more convenient for you? I'm betting that he's using the time to see a solicitor to find out what his wife could take him for should he leave now and will base his decision on that.