Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

Luckyred

PTN.... would it really be so difficult for you to end it? You hardly see him. I dont mean to sound unkind but you are a very small part of his life. He cant be in love with you, he really cant or he would want to see you at every available opportunity..... he would make it happen. Seeing someone only every few weeks hardly seems worth putting your life on hold for but as long as you do it he will let you do it indefinitely and not give a damn as long as he gets his bit on the side. Get rid of him, you deserve better!
By the way, I admire the way you have conducted yourself on this thread. You have taken some very harsh criticism and managed to stay dignified and polite.

Errata

I do gather that they don't talk a lot,

He lies to his wife, so why wouldn't he lie to you about what goes on between him and his wife?

Marisco

purpletoenails wrote: »

If he says to me that hes got no intention of ever leaving his marriage, and doesn't see a future for the 2 of us, then I shall be moving on.

But why wait for him to say it? He might be quite happy to have you hanging on and there at his convenience!! How long are you going to wait for him to say he's leaving his wife? Don't waste your life waiting for something that might never happen, "grasp the nettle" yourself. Also having you to run to, might make his home life with his wife tolerable, so he's getting the best of both worlds, and you're left hanging!!

Bogof_Babe

I think PTN is psyching herself up to get this sorted out one way or another as soon as he comes back from his holidays.

I'd say it all hangs on what sort of holiday he had!

purpletoenails

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Lol what I meant was as the eldest child is 20(?) presumably they have been married at least 20 years, and in most cases couples do develop a sixth sense after such a long time. I and my OH will often start to say the exact same thing at the same time, or I'll just be thinking something and he'll say it.

Fwiw I had thought something was "different" for some time before I found concrete proof, but because I didn't think he was the type I brushed it aside as being in my imagination. I suppose the same thing could apply in OP's bloke's case, but he can never rest on his laurels - one careless moment or undeleted text and he's got a whole lot of explaining to do.

I suppose it could be part of the "not getting on" that they don't feel they have this rapport. I'm surprised it's mutual though, because if it genuinely has got to that stage you'd think both of them would be talking about whether they should stay together or cut their losses before they get any older.

He is very lucky that PTN is prepared to collude in deceiving his wife. Many OWs would be so determined to get their man that they wouldn't care who got hurt in the process. He must, however, worry constantly that she might have a few too many drinks one night and phone his home or something.

They've been married 21/22 years.

He doesn't need to worry about me spilling the beans in such a way, a) its not my style and b) I don't have any beef with her so would not do anything so spiteful. I can't see how that would be of any benefit to me either.

I know of someone (friend of a friend) who was having an affair for some years with a married man and he always promised to leave once the youngest was at university. When he didn't do this immediately, she marched up to his house and told the wife everything. 9 months later the man is still to-ing and fro-ing between the 2 women.

Errata

PTN - have you any idea how much it would cost him to leave his wife. After 20 odd years of marriage not only will she be entitled to half of everything, she'll be entitled to a large lump of his pension as well. He will also have to become used to a much lower standard of living in terms of accommodation and location, may be ostracised by both his and her family and a great many friends and not be able to give his kids the lifestyle they've become used to.
Do you honestly think he'd put himself in that position for you? When you wouldn't have to give up anything?

Bogof_Babe

purpletoenails wrote: »

They've been married 21/22 years.

He doesn't need to worry about me spilling the beans in such a way, a) its not my style and b) I don't have any beef with her so would not do anything so spiteful. I can't see how that would be of any benefit to me either.

Well it would certainly bring matters to a head!

I know of someone (friend of a friend) who was having an affair for some years with a married man and he always promised to leave once the youngest was at university. When he didn't do this immediately, she marched up to his house and told the wife everything. 9 months later the man is still to-ing and fro-ing between the 2 women.

And even with this knowledge you still think he's just waiting for the right time?

If you didn't have this bloke in your life, would you be happy alone or would you be looking out for another "Mr Right"? If it's the former then maybe you will just carry on as things are, but if the latter then why are you wasting time when there are lots of available, unattached men out there? I've heard about a website called plentyoffish - never visited it myself but a couple of people I know seem to have had great results, and met their dream partner.

purpletoenails

Errata wrote: »

PTN - have you any idea how much it would cost him to leave his wife. After 20 odd years of marriage not only will she be entitled to half of everything, she'll be entitled to a large lump of his pension as well. He will also have to become used to a much lower standard of living in terms of accommodation and location, may be ostracised by both his and her family and a great many friends and not be able to give his kids the lifestyle they've become used to.
Do you honestly think he'd put himself in that position for you? When you wouldn't have to give up anything?

No, I'm not sure he would to be honest

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

And even with this knowledge you still think he's just waiting for the right time? I don't know what he wants!

If you didn't have this bloke in your life, would you be happy alone or would you be looking out for another "Mr Right"? If it's the former then maybe you will just carry on as things are, but if the latter then why are you wasting time when there are lots of available, unattached men out there? I've heard about a website called plentyoffish - never visited it myself but a couple of people I know seem to have had great results, and met their dream partner.

I would be quite happy alone. I wasn't looking for a relationship when I met him. I have actually been on the POF site for a short while before (and my best friend met her hubby to be on there) but I found it quite pressured in terms of men wanting to meet up within 5 mins of making contact! Made me want to run a mile.

Marisco

purpletoenails wrote: »

No, I'm not sure he would to be honest

Then it's time to move on, he's not worth waiting for. You've made it too "comfy" for him, and he's not making any effort at all. Why should he, he's got an ideal (from his side) situation, all the comforts of home etc, and you to run to, when things get a bit hairy at home!!! He needs a good dose of reality, and only you can give it to him.

CH27

PTN the tone of your posts seems to be changing.
I suspect you are very close to ending the relationship.