Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

bonnie_bumpkins

victory wrote: »

The man replied ' it was not so much giving up my wife, but my kids, my job, my friends, my friday night cards night, my little habits and creature comforts, my life is more than me and the missus, I could not risk it to 'jump into the unknown'.

This man may have wanted his mistress. But he didn't want her enough.

It's heartbreaking all round

PTN is this thread still helping you think things through? Have you found your stance changing since you first posted or has it reinforced it?

Lotus-eater

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

[/B]


What is it that you do want from him then?

She's hoping he will choose to leave by himself I suspect.

Not very likely to happen by the sound of it. He's quite happy with what he has. Although I do feel my anger rising at the little thought he gives to PNS situation, it's one thing having a few liaisons with a lady friend, it's another to keep her hanging on and on, all the while knowing you have no real intention of leaving your wife for her, no matter what happens in your day dreams.
All the time PNS life isn't moving on and he isn't giving her an opportunity to meet someone who will treat her the way she deserves.

Yes, I'm getting quite annoyed, the more I think about it. He must deep down somewhere think of her with disrespect.

purpletoenails

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

[/B]


What is it that you do want from him then?

I would like him to make a decision himself

bonnie_bumpkins wrote: »

This man may have wanted his mistress. But he didn't want her enough.

It's heartbreaking all round

PTN is this thread still helping you think things through? Have you found your stance changing since you first posted or has it reinforced it?

I think I have become more realistic as to what I can expect from the relationship in the long term

Marisco

purpletoenails wrote: »

I would like him to make a decision himself



I think I have become more realistic as to what I can expect from the relationship in the long term

If he has no intention of leaving his wife, then there shouldn't be any "long term"!!! You need to get out and make a life for yourself, give him an ultimatum, you or her, and see what happens. If he stalls and prevaricates, then leave. If he loves you enough, he'll go with you, if not, then you are better off without him.

POPPYOSCAR

purpletoenails wrote: »

I would like him to make a decision himself



I think I have become more realistic as to what I can expect from the relationship in the long term

I understand that you want him to make a decision himself but you do want him to leave and be with you and live as a couple, do you not?

I also think that by asking him to think about your future together you are in fact asking him to make that choice anyway.

It is an ultimatum which ever way you look at it ,as if you decide to stop seeing him because you need something more, he will be forced to make that decision anyway.

poet123

purpletoenails wrote: »

I think both the above posts are an accurate assessment of what is going on. He is very much a creature of habit and has spent the past 20 + years doing what he is still doing now. All his friends are 'shared' friends and as I have said before, the majority of his socialising is with extended family. He works very hard, sometimes 6 or 7 days a week to ensure that they all have a nice home and lifestyle.

I don't think it would be fair to ask him to give up everything he knows, and to risk putting all his happiness eggs into one basket.

That is exactly what we all do when we make a choice to be monogamous, if he cant do that with you/for you he has actually made his choice.

His wife is doing just that too;)

I had lunch earlier this week with two very old friends, both of whom had experienced infidelity within their marriages, one had divorced, the other had saved her marriage despite the affair lasting 4 years. What was apparent in both of them was how the issue had changed them; their outlook, almost every aspect of their lives, and how it had adversely affected their children.

I thought of this thread when I was listening to their stories.

harrys_nan

PTN, when you started this thread, I really didn't like you as I have been the "wife" on several occasions and with 2 ex husbands (very bad at picking men) but as time has gone on I've come to realise your not that bad . You have just had the misfortune to fall for a scumbag who wants his cake as well.. I really hope you get out and hopefully find a man that will love you back. You do deserve better.
I really wish you lots of luck with your problem and hope you get a good result.

Bogof_Babe

Marisco wrote: »

Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

Yes.

Care to elaborate?

BWZN93

Bloody hell. I found this thread when it was 84 pages long and its taken me a hell of a long time to read through all the opinions - clearly this is a very divisive and emotive subject!

Id like to write a little about the experiences of adultery that I know of, not that it will give any great insight or revelations, just that I think in the interests of debate it is good to hear all view points. I'm only including the stories of genuine affairs, because plenty of people are idiots who go out and have numerous flings behind their partners back just because they can, and my vitriol would be reserved for them. An acquaintance of mine is about to get married and I know he has conducted himself in a way that makes me think the man is as shallow as a puddle for instance, and I think it unfair to bring those issues into this as, flings and affairs are essentially different in nature.

'Love' is in other cases a more complex affair and I don't think its fair to judge those as, lets face it, life doesn't come in black and white and who are any of us to comment on what goes on behind closed doors. I cant think of a single person who doesn't have a skeleton in their closet which, if publicly known, wouldn't cause someone to feel some kind of moral outrage. At the end of the day, our differences are what make us people, none of us are infallible.

Right, to start with, my mother had an affair behind my fathers back, it was short lived and she left my father for him, taking my sister and I with her. Whilst this was an upheaval to my life, I wouldn't necessarily say that this caused my sister or I any undue stress, or any long term damage. I can quite happily look back and think of this as being for the best - their relationship wouldn't have lasted anyway, they married far too young and were already unhappy with each other. My father went on to remarry and whilst our relationship isn't as close as it may have been should they have stayed together, I harbour no ill feelings about this. I don't think our relationship would have been significantly different had they stayed together. If anything, one thing I gained from my mothers affair is a half brother who I adore, I wouldn't be without him.

My sister met a married man at work and proceeded with an affair, by all accounts the marriage wasn't particularly happy and he left his wife within a month to be with my sister. The wife has subsequently admitted that the relationship wasn't working and both her and the husband would have kept trying to make it work without success had my sister not come along. I think this is another case of getting married far too young and trying to battle on out of fear of disappointing family/friends etc and simply the idea of going it alone. The wife subsequently remarried, is extremely happy and now has a child. It is worth pointing out that initially, my sister was viewed by the married man's family with great suspicion and resentment until she eventually met them and they realised that actually what mattered was that he was happy. Fortunately, in this instance, neither my sister nor the man in question had children so this made for an easier split.

A friend of mine has had an affair with a married man who was significantly older than her, she was also in a long term relationship with the father of her children. It began as a work fling, and whilst both parties wanted to leave their relationships for each other (I suspect more so for her), he eventually like many men, decided that his existing relationship was so much bigger than himself and his wife (2 teenage children, their friends and integrated families etc) that he stayed with his wife and called it quits on my friend. This ended well over a year ago, my friend being utterly devastated but it still to this day fighting to keep her relationship together with her partner. She freely admits that she would have left in a heartbeat to be with the MM, that she still feels a huge sense of loss, but ultimately, its not worth breaking up a reasonably safe relationship with her partner just because it isn't perfect. She knows she doesn't love him, equally, the relationship isn't bad enough to run away from.

My feelings on this is that I think way too many people stay with partners they don't love, just because of some sense of duty to family/friends, because of the impact it may have on children, because of financial obligations and because they are ultimately too scared to be alone rather than risk striking out and starting from scratch. I believe that these relationships are the most at risk from affairs simply because the person will not leave their existing relationship but something is so very clearly lacking and they find it in someone else. I think maybe there is a sense that having the affair isn't something horrendously bad, they are trying to make themselves happy whilst balancing their obligations, justifying it to themselves until eventually, one partner wants to make things official and they realise what is at stake. Many of the people on here that have posted about affairs may possibly be able to admit that in their own case, the existing relationship wasn't making them truly happy and that maybe the relationship had slipped from being a priority to way lower on the list, making time for their partner had become something on the list of things to do between bathing the kids and making next days lunches.

The last case ill put forward is the instance of a MM I know, whose current relationship has been going wrong for quite some time now, they possibly married a little too young and seems almost a shotgun marriage as she accidentally got pregnant. He very clearly loves his wife, and they now have 2 young children. The relationship has been deteriorating over the last 18 months or so, resulting in him having moved out on several occasions only to go back home to try and again and make things work. Friends of the couple can clearly see what kind of effect this is having on the both of them, nothing ever really gets resolved, the conflict remains dormant for a few months then springs up again. The stress of it shows on their faces - neither of them is happy, and it may be that one of them really does need to bite the bullet and quit.

One friend has commented to me that he wishes he could pull his MM friend out of the relationship, the man is clearly miserable at home, but resolutely refuses to leave as he does not wish to be a deadbeat dad. The wife appears to have some difficulty in expressing her emotions and I fear that they are eventually going to implode - the kids having already witnessed enough conflict to last a lifetime are then going to have their lives pulled apart anyway.

The MM has very recently met a (single) girl who he is very taken with, there is clearly a spark between them and he has chased her, even when she repeatedly rebuffed him for being married. I'm not too sure on all the details, I believe she may have given him a chance whilst they were away with work and she has fallen for him a little, however, they have now returned and he has gone back home to his wife and kids for the holidays. Whether this is a make or break time for him at home or whether he just treats it as a fling remains to be seen. I guess in this instance time will tell, and if he does leave, I genuinely don't think this is a result of some girl that came along - it will be because its genuinely time to throw in the towel. One thing I will point out is that since meeting her, he has relaxed considerably as a person, he just looks less tense.

Anyway, as I said at the beginning, no real insights or opinions really, I just wanted to tell the stories I know of. Not every affair will have a happy ending, in some cases, with the benefit of hindsight for all parties there can be. The affairs I've known to have these happy endings are ones where the married partner has made rapid moves (I'm talking within 3 months) to be with someone else, the ones that go on longer are those that are more likely to be a supplement to a marriage that isn't necessarily bad enough for the married person to want to leave. If I had to give an opinion, I would think the the OP's man falls into this latter category but as I said, no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors and for all we know he could either be an a$$hole or he could eventually leave the wife. I think his hand possibly needs to be forced though, and I understand the OP's reluctance to want to do this. I suspect, deep down, OP's reluctance to want to force the issue is that she knows how this will end.

Anyway, i'm off for a cup of tea! x

BWZN93

P.S - sorry for the offensively long post! J x