Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

purpletoenails

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Sorry, my mistake. I think I was remembering this post...

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showpost.php?p=45263038&postcount=306

and took this bit to mean you had discussed this possibility.

Edit: Yes I was sad enough to go searching for it! Thought I'd lost the plot at first lol.

Oh my, that must have taken a while

I've never asked him to choose between us.

The thread has been going for quite some time and it can be quite confusing trying to remember who said what and when they said it!

Lotus-eater

purpletoenails wrote: »

I've never asked him to choose between us.

Well no, because he wouldn't be choosing between you would he?

He'd be choosing between his life as it is and as it would be.

If he had the choice of just the women then it would probably be you. But add the lifestyle, the kids, family, I'm afraid it sounds like you will come 2nd.

Question is, so you want to deprive him of his family life and his family of him, to get him?
And if not, do you want to continue to have a part time lover and friend?

purpletoenails

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Well no, because he wouldn't be choosing between you would he?

He'd be choosing between his life as it is and as it would be.

If he had the choice of just the women then it would probably be you. But add the lifestyle, the kids, family, I'm afraid it sounds like you will come 2nd.

Question is, so you want to deprive him of his family life and his family of him, to get him?
And if not, do you want to continue to have a part time lover and friend?

Thought provoking post

I don't really want to deprive him of anything, and if he wanted to be with me full time he would have to give up an awful lot - but I really don't think I can stay part-time indefinitely. As time has gone on I've started to find it difficult and I suspect it will just get worse.

FelipeFilop

purpletoenails wrote: »

Thought provoking post

I don't really want to deprive him of anything, and if he wanted to be with me full time he would have to give up an awful lot - but I really don't think I can stay part-time indefinitely. As time has gone on I've started to find it difficult and I suspect it will just get worse.

I have been reading with interest, yes my first post. Purple, I think you have a very realistic view of your relationship, I also believe that you did not intend to get this involved this far, and yes before you realised you were head over heals. For whatever reason, yes, we know its wrong, but I can only imagine that these feelings developed over a period of time.
Anyway, your above comments are of a woman, who really loves that man, and would not in any way jeopardise his relationship. You know he has a lot to give up which is why you would not issue an ultimatum. Why force an issue. Because there is no issue, there is a family, an extended family, there are work commitments, there are friends, extended friends, the list is endless. That is the reason why I believe he wont leave, not because he's not committed to you, but because he is committed to all the above.

victory

It really strikes a chord what you say, years ago one of my friends had an affair, she was single, madly in love with him and pretty much everyone knew apart from seemingly his wife (or maybe she just turned a blind eye as she loved him and hoped he would stop if she did nothing, who knows? anyway time goes by they are both having the most fantastic time and wife finds out, it all hits the fan and he stays put.

Friend devastated, seemingly he was also, wife I guess relieved as well as immensely angry, a marriage to rebuild....

When it all calmed down, the man was seen in a pub rather drunk, very chatty and it turned to the affair, the person asking the question was rather blunt and just said to him 'if you feel this bad why did you not go with her? Why have you stayed with your wife?'

The man replied ' it was not so much giving up my wife, but my kids, my job, my friends, my friday night cards night, my little habits and creature comforts, my life is more than me and the missus, I could not risk it to 'jump into the unknown'.

purpletoenails

FelipeFilop wrote: »

I have been reading with interest, yes my first post. Purple, I think you have a very realistic view of your relationship, I also believe that you did not intend to get this involved this far, and yes before you realised you were head over heals. For whatever reason, yes, we know its wrong, but I can only imagine that these feelings developed over a period of time.
Anyway, your above comments are of a woman, who really loves that man, and would not in any way jeopardise his relationship. You know he has a lot to give up which is why you would not issue an ultimatum. Why force an issue. Because there is no issue, there is a family, an extended family, there are work commitments, there are friends, extended friends, the list is endless. That is the reason why I believe he wont leave, not because he's not committed to you, but because he is committed to all the above.

victory wrote: »

It really strikes a chord what you say, years ago one of my friends had an affair, she was single, madly in love with him and pretty much everyone knew apart from seemingly his wife (or maybe she just turned a blind eye as she loved him and hoped he would stop if she did nothing, who knows? anyway time goes by they are both having the most fantastic time and wife finds out, it all hits the fan and he stays put.

Friend devastated, seemingly he was also, wife I guess relieved as well as immensely angry, a marriage to rebuild....

When it all calmed down, the man was seen in a pub rather drunk, very chatty and it turned to the affair, the person asking the question was rather blunt and just said to him 'if you feel this bad why did you not go with her? Why have you stayed with your wife?'

The man replied ' it was not so much giving up my wife, but my kids, my job, my friends, my friday night cards night, my little habits and creature comforts, my life is more than me and the missus, I could not risk it to 'jump into the unknown'.

I think both the above posts are an accurate assessment of what is going on. He is very much a creature of habit and has spent the past 20 + years doing what he is still doing now. All his friends are 'shared' friends and as I have said before, the majority of his socialising is with extended family. He works very hard, sometimes 6 or 7 days a week to ensure that they all have a nice home and lifestyle.

I don't think it would be fair to ask him to give up everything he knows, and to risk putting all his happiness eggs into one basket.

Marisco

Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

Yes.

Lotus-eater

Please don't forget (and I don't post this in any perverse joy) but you will almost without doubt get found out, this could well destroy what he has anyway, or make him and his family unhappy, it could change everything for him and tbh, could make your life a bit of a nightmare also.

Errata

purpletoenails wrote: »

I think both the above posts are an accurate assessment of what is going on. He is very much a creature of habit and has spent the past 20 + years doing what he is still doing now. All his friends are 'shared' friends and as I have said before, the majority of his socialising is with extended family. He works very hard, sometimes 6 or 7 days a week to ensure that they all have a nice home and lifestyle.

I don't think it would be fair to ask him to give up everything he knows, and to risk putting all his happiness eggs into one basket.

You've said previously that you wanted to see more of him, not ask him to chuck out the baby and the bathwater. You've said previously that he already finds all the secretiveness stressful even though you don't see each other often.
Do you think he will willingly subject himself to more secretiveness and a lot more stress because you want to see him more regularly?
I don't think he will, just as I think he won't give up anything else for you.

POPPYOSCAR

purpletoenails wrote: »

I think both the above posts are an accurate assessment of what is going on. He is very much a creature of habit and has spent the past 20 + years doing what he is still doing now. All his friends are 'shared' friends and as I have said before, the majority of his socialising is with extended family. He works very hard, sometimes 6 or 7 days a week to ensure that they all have a nice home and lifestyle.

I don't think it would be fair to ask him to give up everything he knows, and to risk putting all his happiness eggs into one basket.

What is it that you do want from him then?