Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

purpletoenails

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

PTN I'd also hazard a guess that his wife does know about it, and that could even be why she has become withdrawn and uncommunicative, giving the impression that she doesn't care about him any more.

One of the first clues I had was when he stopped talking about her. I bet he has gone from coming in and saying what a great laugh he had today with PTN, she's such good fun, to suddenly not mentioning PTN at all at home. If wifey asks him whether he's seen you recently, "only you don't mention her as much as you used to", he'll have fobbed her off with "no, hardly see her at all these days" and changed the subject, and if she has any instincts about these things she will then have her antennae in full twitch. She might just be biding her time until she has enough evidence to issue her own ultimatum.

Btw have you told us how you and he met? As you live so far apart I doubt it would have been at work?

We met when we were both on a day's training. People from several diffferent companies were there and it was spread over 3 consecutive weeks. We were in a small groups of 6 that gelled really well and kept in touch afterwards.

I can't imagine that he would have had any reason at all to mention me at home. From what I can tell their relationship hasn't changed since I've known him.

shellsuit

purpletoenails wrote: »

We met when we were both on a day's training. People from several diffferent companies were there and it was spread over 3 consecutive weeks. We were in a small groups of 6 that gelled really well and kept in touch afterwards.

I can't imagine that he would have had any reason at all to mention me at home. From what I can tell their relationship hasn't changed since I've known him.

It wasn't training for an insurance company was it?

purpletoenails

shellsuit wrote: »

It wasn't training for an insurance company was it?

Nope it was somethig that I use at work (nothing to do with insurance!)

VestanPance

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Apart from anything else, a woman tends (generally speaking) to have more to lose. For one thing she is usually the main child rearer (no offence to house-husbands, I do realise these exist and do a great job), for another she often earns less, if at all. Apart from the "notch on the bedpost" thing (do any women really think like that?), I really don't see why a happily married woman would risk her whole lifestyle just for a fling. The unpalatable truth is that a man who puts it about is thought of as a bit of a lad, whereas a woman unfortunately still gets seen as something of a slapper. When this is applied to those in a marriage, the man probably gets mildly disapproved of and told he's being a fool, while the woman risks losing all respect from her friends and family if they find out.

If she (married woman) falls madly in love she has the same option of getting out of her marriage before pursuing her heart's desire, just as we are suggesting a man should do. If she's keeping her options open she's asking for trouble sooner or later.

Might be a generational thing, but I certainly know women that go after notches on the bed post. I also know as many couples where the woman earns more than their husband/partner than the traditional concept of the man earning more.

I also think disapproval would come from peoples views rather than gender. I can't think of a single male friend I know that would go anything but nuts at another friend if they thought they'd been cheating on their wife and kids. In fact it's the reason why we all cut a very old friend off, as he actively sought out female attention at every turn (normally without success) but it made his friends view him in a different light and cut him out of their lives. Unlike women I think many men don't tend to discuss their relationships, sex lives etc with friends anyway, so often these men having affairs would likely be doing so without telling anyone.

I also disagree that women have more to lose. That really would come down to personal circumstances for the couple in question. I really don't agree that gender has the slightest impact on ones ability to be faithful in a relationship.

shellsuit

purpletoenails wrote: »

Nope it was somethig that I use at work (nothing to do with insurance!)

Ahh, no worries, just if it was, I had a little tale to tell

purpletoenails

Errata wrote: »

It won't do any harm to think things through thoroughly and deeply. You describe the relationship as a love affair, but you only see each other every couple of weeks, and there will now be a break of about seven weeks because that's convenient for both of you. That seems to me to be a relationship that couldn't even be classed as serious dating, let alone a love affair.

Yes unfortunately but I had no choice but to cancel last time. I do feel that what we have is a relationship even though we don't see each other all that often. It does feel real to me.

I really am thinking things through very thoroughly.

Bogof_Babe

How did you manage to get to know eachother well enough while on a training course to decide you were "meant for eachother"? If you were both staying away from home in a hotel it is an unreal environment anyway, and there is always a frisson of excitement at the "freedom" of being away from responsibilities for a while.

When the course was over and you went your separate ways, who did most of the getting in touch?

All I'm thinking is that people do "bond" in these sort of situations, ("what goes on tour stays on tour") but the reality of getting back to normal life usually acts like a bucket of cold water on any blossoming "feelings".

He has the perfect set-up for compartmentalising his life into the bit that involves you, and the huge rest of it that revolves around his family. I can quite see why he's happy to let it continue as long as he can get away with it.

purpletoenails

VestanPance wrote: »

. Unlike women I think many men don't tend to discuss their relationships, sex lives etc with friends anyway, so often these men having affairs would likely be doing so without telling anyone.

Certainly true in this case. He hasn't told a single person.

VestanPance

purpletoenails wrote: »

Certainly true in this case. He hasn't told a single person.

That doesn't suprise me. It's generalising, but in my own experience guys rarely talk about relationships or sex lives with friends, even their closest friends.

My sister was agast that when I split up from my ex that I didn't discuss it with my mates, and none of them asked what happened. She was stunned ther was just lot's of get the big chap out, have a laugh and try and cheer him up.

purpletoenails

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

How did you manage to get to know eachother well enough while on a training course to decide you were "meant for eachother"? We didn't at that point If you were both staying away from home in a hotel it is an unreal environment anyway, and there is always a frisson of excitement at the "freedom" of being away from responsibilities for a while. It was just a day at a time, no hotel stays

When the course was over and you went your separate ways, who did most of the getting in touch? I don't really recall! Now he initiate contact about 80-90% of the time. It was just friendly 'hi how are you?' type stuff. Like I said before it was a very slow burn. We had a lot in common and lots to chat about. Kind of took on a life of its own without me really noticing.

All I'm thinking is that people do "bond" in these sort of situations, ("what goes on tour stays on tour") but the reality of getting back to normal life usually acts like a bucket of cold water on any blossoming "feelings".

He has the perfect set-up for compartmentalising his life into the bit that involves you, and the huge rest of it that revolves around his family. I can quite see why he's happy to let it continue as long as he can get away with it.

Yes, I can see that too