Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

CH27

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Given the nature of the beast, i.e. the biological urge to impregnate as many women as possible, I think we can agree that in the main a married man is more driven to "misbehave" than a married woman might be.

If we therefore absolve all single women from any responsibility for avoiding getting entangled with a married man, affairs and adultery will become even more rife than they presently seem to be.

Surely if a woman knows a man has responsibilities that he has made a commitment to, he is not fair game even if he does make all the running. It takes two to tango, but only one to say "no thanks, you're not free".

There might be some young impressionable woman reading this thread right now, who has been flirted with by a married man at work, and she's now thinking "okay, why not?". And whoops there goes another family's security.

Totally agree with you.

purpletoenails

FatVonD wrote: »

I think we are all in agreement that the vast majority of the blame lies in his direction but PTN is not totally blameless, she has a choice not to collude in deceiving another woman.

VestanPance wrote: »

She's to blame as well. He's the one betraying his wife and family, but she's the vechile for that betrayal and has been for a very long time.

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Surely if a woman knows a man has responsibilities that he has made a commitment to, he is not fair game even if he does make all the running. It takes two to tango, but only one to say "no thanks, you're not free".
.

I don't think I've ever stated that I was blameless. I fully accept that some of the responsibilty lies with me.

It probably sounds ridiculous to anyone reading this, but I didn't set out to have an affair. We were friends, then became closer friends. It was a very slow process and it was a long time before we progressed to going to bed together.

If someone had said to me 3 years ago 'PT you're going to have an affair with a married man', I would have laughed my head off. Unfortunately, when you fall in love with someone, good sense can go out of the window.

Bogof_Babe

Person_one wrote: »

That's a pretty convenient excuse.

VestanPance wrote: »

I wouldn't say men are more likely to cheat than women. I think it's very much dependant on the person. I think in both sexes the feeling to rush out and notch up marks on the bed post, or gather attention from the opposite sex is often driven from personal insecurities.

Apart from anything else, a woman tends (generally speaking) to have more to lose. For one thing she is usually the main child rearer (no offence to house-husbands, I do realise these exist and do a great job), for another she often earns less, if at all. Apart from the "notch on the bedpost" thing (do any women really think like that?), I really don't see why a happily married woman would risk her whole lifestyle just for a fling. The unpalatable truth is that a man who puts it about is thought of as a bit of a lad, whereas a woman unfortunately still gets seen as something of a slapper. When this is applied to those in a marriage, the man probably gets mildly disapproved of and told he's being a fool, while the woman risks losing all respect from her friends and family if they find out.

If she (married woman) falls madly in love she has the same option of getting out of her marriage before pursuing her heart's desire, just as we are suggesting a man should do. If she's keeping her options open she's asking for trouble sooner or later.

Of course in the case of unhappily married women she might be looking for someone to rescue her. Same thing - get out then get dating.

Which takes us back to the OP's conviction that her bloke is not happy at home. I think everything hangs on the truth or otherwise of that, which none of us can ever know.

Bogof_Babe

purpletoenails wrote: »

I don't think I've ever stated that I was blameless. I fully accept that some of the responsibilty lies with me.

It probably sounds ridiculous to anyone reading this, but I didn't set out to have an affair. We were friends, then became closer friends. Just like my OH . It was a very slow process and it was a long time before we progressed to going to bed together. Who knows where my OH might have ended up if I hadn't found out?

If someone had said to me 3 years ago 'PT you're going to have an affair with a married man', I would have laughed my head off. Unfortunately, when you fall in love with someone, good sense can go out of the window.

Tbh I think you *allowed* the friendship to cross a boundary, and at that stage you could and should have realised the dangers and stopped it. No-one wakes up one day and finds they are in love with someone who yesterday was "just a friend".

Only tiny children and the mentally confused have the excuse of lack of good sense. The rest of us owe it to ourselves and others to know where to draw the line. We are not helpless bits of flotsam being carried along on a raging tide.

purpletoenails

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Tbh I think you *allowed* the friendship to cross a boundary, and at that stage you could and should have realised the dangers and stopped it. No-one wakes up one day and finds they are in love with someone who yesterday was "just a friend". Nope wasn't exactly like that, but not far off!

Only tiny children and the mentally confused have the excuse of lack of good sense. The rest of us owe it to ourselves and others to know where to draw the line. We are not helpless bits of flotsam being carried along on a raging tide.

maybe I was mentally confused then

However I think that my usual good sense is returning and that is why I am here

RichGold

Pollycat wrote: »

Petrolhead89
I'm not going to quote your post because hopefully other posters will do as I've done and report it so it will be removed without trace of the despicable things you've posted.

That's the very first time I've ever reported a post for any reason.

Here's the reality:
The OP is single.
Her friend/lover (whatever you wish to call him) is married.

He is the one who has obligations and emotional ties to another person, not her.

And she should at least have a moral obligation to herself that she isn't the one causing problems for someone else. @Pollycat - Have you actually read what you've written? You cant justify sleeping with a married man just because you're single. That's preposterous.

There is every chance that if this man wasn't knocking off with the OP, he'd be knocking off elsewhere. Has the OP thought about that? If so, I wonder how she feels about it? (knowing she's just "filling a gap" in the married mans timetable)

Bogof_Babe

PTN I'd also hazard a guess that his wife does know about it, and that could even be why she has become withdrawn and uncommunicative, giving the impression that she doesn't care about him any more.

One of the first clues I had was when he stopped talking about her. I bet he has gone from coming in and saying what a great laugh he had today with PTN, she's such good fun, to suddenly not mentioning PTN at all at home. If wifey asks him whether he's seen you recently, "only you don't mention her as much as you used to", he'll have fobbed her off with "no, hardly see her at all these days" and changed the subject, and if she has any instincts about these things she will then have her antennae in full twitch. She might just be biding her time until she has enough evidence to issue her own ultimatum.

Btw have you told us how you and he met? As you live so far apart I doubt it would have been at work?

purpletoenails

RichGold wrote: »

And she should at least have a moral obligation to herself that she isn't the one causing problems for someone else. @Pollycat - Have you actually read what you've written? You cant justify sleeping with a married man just because you're single. That's preposterous.

There is every chance that if this man wasn't knocking off with the OP, he'd be knocking off elsewhere. Has the OP thought about that? If so, I wonder how she feels about it? (knowing she's just "filling a gap" in the married mans timetable)

I have no reason to believe that this is the case. I don't think that when we met he was looking to start an affair, any more than I was.

Bogof_Babe

purpletoenails wrote: »

I have no reason to believe that this is the case. I don't think that when we met he was looking to start an affair, any more than I was.

Well at the very least neither of you were giving "not available" signals.

I don't even look at other men, and if I catch one looking at me (I'm still not too bad despite my grand old age!) it would never occur to me to think "maybe I could pull here", because I know I am married and I know I'm not interested. I'd be shocked and a bit scared if anyone came on to me. I'd tell him not to be so daft!

Errata

purpletoenails wrote: »

maybe I was mentally confused then

However I think that my usual good sense is returning and that is why I am here

It won't do any harm to think things through thoroughly and deeply. You describe the relationship as a love affair, but you only see each other every couple of weeks, and there will now be a break of about seven weeks because that's convenient for both of you. That seems to me to be a relationship that couldn't even be classed as serious dating, let alone a love affair.