Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

vroombroom

I was 17 when my dad left my mother and, as a family, it ripped us apart and I blame my father for that. Like Calalilly, I was on suicide watch with my mother. I should not have been left with that. I used to come home from college and find the house darkened - my stomach would drop. 12 years on its still raw and when my mother goes on about how sh*t her life is, I feel that same feeling.

By the by, PTN, I pity you that its still going on, 2.5 years is evident enough he wont leave his wife. I cannot understand why you are dancing to his tune. If I could offer any advice, athough it will fall on deaf ears, I would change your number and get on with your life.

bonnie_bumpkins

vroombroom wrote: »

If I could offer any advice, athough it will fall on deaf ears, I would change your number and get on with your life.

To be fair, the OP has made it clear that every opinion expressed here has been thought about and helped her to sort through her situation. And she's had a LOT of opinions to consider.

So I think your advice is as helpful to her as anyone else's - ie very helpful!!

And I agree that changing your number and moving on (ie cutting off possible avenues of contact) is the best thing you can do. Hard but best in the long run.

POPPYOSCAR

vroombroom wrote: »

I was 17 when my dad left my mother and, as a family, it ripped us apart and I blame my father for that. Like Calalilly, I was on suicide watch with my mother. I should not have been left with that. I used to come home from college and find the house darkened - my stomach would drop. 12 years on its still raw and when my mother goes on about how sh*t her life is, I feel that same feeling.

By the by, PTN, I pity you that its still going on, 2.5 years is evident enough he wont leave his wife. I cannot understand why you are dancing to his tune. If I could offer any advice, athough it will fall on deaf ears, I would change your number and get on with your life.

Can I ask you if you think your dad should have stayed with your mum even if he was very unhappy?

Humphrey10

My parents split up when I was in primary school. It was fine. My sister and I still had frequent contact with our father (we lived with our mother), and there was no more arguing at home. My mother wasn't some kind of parasite living off my father and depending on him for her existence, she is a human being with a life of her own, so was able to survive after he had left, in the same way she was able to survive before she met him.

If my mother had been so irresponsible, selfish, and abusive to threaten suicide whilst being primary carer for two primary school aged children that would have been her fault, not my father's. I would have never forgiven her if she had behaved like that.

cheepskate_2

Humphrey10 wrote: »

If my mother had been so irresponsible, selfish, and abusive to threaten suicide whilst being primary carer for two primary school aged children that would have been her fault, I would have never forgiven her if she had behaved like that.

Why would you think depression would be her fault?

erdd2

Humphrey10 wrote: »

If my mother had been so irresponsible, selfish, and abusive to threaten suicide whilst being primary carer for two primary school aged children that would have been her fault, not my father's. I would have never forgiven her if she had behaved like that.

Suicide is a consideration for a person when they cannot cope with their pain.....of which we all have different threshholds.......your apparently uncaring attitude of your mothers pain could be painful for her....what is selfish is to expect others to suffer pain in silence....the "I am okay Jack" .....and then the change of attitude when it happens to them :eek:

vroombroom

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Can I ask you if you think your dad should have stayed with your mum even if he was very unhappy?

I never said they were unhappy - quite the opposite in fact. My father wanted to have his cake and eat.

POPPYOSCAR

erdd2 wrote: »

Suicide is a consideration for a person when they cannot cope with their pain.....of which we all have different threshholds.......your apparently uncaring attitude of your mothers pain could be painful for her....what is selfish is to expect others to suffer pain in silence....the "I am okay Jack" .....and then the change of attitude when it happens to them :eek:

Yes that is understandable.

But to blame someone else for this I think is wrong. What if a husband/wife only stays because the other threatens suicide - is that right? Should the other person have that kind of hold over them?. If they are that unhappy in the marriage then that could in turn lead them to feeling suicidal themselves - then whose fault is that?

POPPYOSCAR

vroombroom wrote: »

I never said they were unhappy - quite the opposite in fact. My father wanted to have his cake and eat.

I know you did not say he was unhappy thats why I said "if".

Why did he leave then? If he was very happy with your mum surely this must have made him unhappy too?

cheepskate_2

You will probably find that it is not the act of breaking up, that causes the pain.

It is infact the lies and deciet, while all the while acting as if everything is fine at home.

There seems to be this notion that a person has an affair because they are unhappy at home, not always the case.

The person doing the affair cant really come out and say they are deleriously happy with thier current partner and only really want a bit on the side(altho their are people who would openly do this)