Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

POPPYOSCAR

Pollycat wrote: »

PTN
I like your style, I really do.

Very few people could have kept their cool amidst all the haranguing and abuse that's been thrown at you since you started this thread - but you have.

Thats just what I was thinking as well!!

gonzo127

purpletoenails wrote: »

No I don't really want that

well i know you didnt since thats what the threaded started off with (god that is a long time ago) however the more you put up about your situation the more i am convinced that this is all you are going to get out of him

cheepskate_2

Actions speak louder than words.

POPPYOSCAR

gonzo127 wrote: »

well i know you didnt since thats what the threaded started off with (god that is a long time ago) however the more you put up about your situation the more i am convinced that this is all you are going to get out of him

I agree the longer it goes on the less chance of him leaving but who knows?

I think purpletoenails does realize this, hence the thread being started .I also think she knows deep down what she must do, but it sometimes takes a lot of strength to take the harder path.

CallaLily

My father walked out on my mother to live with the woman he'd been having an affair with. I was 17 at the time my brothers were 15 and 6 and my sister was 4 (large age gap!). He later went on to marry the woman he left us for, they divorced after a couple of years and now he's on his 3rd engagement since that :eek:.

The effect it had on our family was terrible, my 4 year old brother thought he was responsible for his dad leaving and was incredibly upset, I spent the best part of 6 months on suicide watch with my mother (who went on to remarry, still together 15 years on), and my sister was really to young to remember a "Dad" who disappeared out of her life so young (no contact by his choice) and then tried to befriend her on facebook 20 years later!

My parents marriage was in serious trouble, but I did still blame my Dad (still do) for the way he went about leaving, he set it up to move from my mothers bed to hers in a couple of hours! He cut off all contact with his children yet took on her 8 kids who had 6 different dad's! and the alarm bells didn't ring for him!! :eek:.

Anyway I guess you could say in my experience no affairs do not have a happy ending for anyone concerned.

layton55

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I agree the longer it goes on the less chance of him leaving but who knows?

I think purpletoenails does realize this, hence the thread being started .I also think she knows deep down what she must do, but it sometimes takes a lot of strength to take the harder path.

And I think that's half the battle. Knowing what you should do i.e. follow your head versus what you feel is the right thing for you and what you want to do - following your heart...

I totally get where PToenails you're coming from because I'm in the same situation. How are you supposed to let go of something you believe in? Won't it just come back and bite us all in the !!! later in life? I prefer to live my life with no regrets - a very wise man once said 'it's better to regret what you did rather than what you didn't do'. Still, our situations seem to be out of our hands and it's up to the man we hold in our hearts to make the decision. I am somewhat comforted by the fact that if it doesn't work out for us in our situations and they stay in their marriage then they can't have been the one for us and hopefully are truly happy with their choice.

Trying to look at this philosophically is probably the only sane way to go. I believe that everyone comes into your life, and you into theirs for a reason. As such, I truly believe that I either came into my guy's life to make him realise his marriage is worth saving or that there's something else out there for him. Either way, it can only be a good thing. Why has he come into my life? Well that's yet to be determined. But if it all doesn't work out for us, I know I'll be fine and will probably find someone even more amazing and special. It all serves towards a cosmic balance. Life is full of surprises, twists and turns and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Whatever happens just be comfortable with the choice you make. If you choose to wait then that's your choice and likewise if you choose to move on. Empowering yourself to make your life's choices is a powerful thing. Don't underestimate it.

ellie101

layton55 wrote: »

I totally get where PToenails you're coming from because I'm in the same situation. How are you supposed to let go of something you believe in? Won't it just come back and bite us all in the !!! later in life? I prefer to live my life with no regrets - a very wise man once said 'it's better to regret what you did rather than what you didn't do'. Still, our situations seem to be out of our hands and it's up to the man we hold in our hearts to make the decision. I am somewhat comforted by the fact that if it doesn't work out for us in our situations and they stay in their marriage then they can't have been the one for us and hopefully are truly happy with their choice.

But why do you (or others) believe in this situation? The situation isn't out of your hands. You can leave. And if you talk about living your life with no regrets, won't you regret (or others on this board who are spending their time with married partners) the months or years they did this? Yes, there are exceptions, but do you want to wait around and see if that is you?

layton55 wrote: »

The situation is not out of your hands. This is your choice, you can choose to walk away.

Whatever happens just be comfortable with the choice you make. If you choose to wait then that's your choice and likewise if you choose to move on. Empowering yourself to make your life's choices is a powerful thing. Don't underestimate it.

What's empowering about waiting for some man to decide? (and that can equally be "some woman"). Get on with your life and live it. I'm not judging, but what's so empowering about choosing to wait around for someone that is married? If they truly want to be with you, they'll come after you at some point. Ideally, when they've made a clean break.

We're not all completely ruled by emotion, it can be possible to exit from a relationship before beginning another.

I spent years thinking "these things happen", but they don't. We can make choices to behave in a certain way. And if someone wants to be with you they will, but will treat others around them with respect.

And I'm not brokering leaving children behind as the best thing to do, just marriages where things can't continue for various reasons.

layton55

ellie101 wrote: »

But why do you (or others) believe in this situation? The situation isn't out of your hands. You can leave. And if you talk about living your life with no regrets, won't you regret (or others on this board who are spending their time with married partners) the months or years they did this? Yes, there are exceptions, but do you want to wait around and see if that is you?

The situation is of course in our hands. But what I was referring to specifically was the decision the man needs to make whether to leave his wife or not. And to be clear - he must leave his wife for HIM not for anyone else. And the choice to wait around is still your choice. You can obviously force yourself to move on and fast but in my experience you tend to surpress feelings rather than give yourself time to mourn the loss or grieve the pain and that's not a good place to be in. People often think the best way is to move on quickly but everyone needs to this in their own time, not simply because it's the general assumption that this is what they should do. Everyone deals with things differently. As someone who never does something until she's ready why would I force myself to move on unless I'm ready to?

ellie101 wrote: »

What's empowering about waiting for some man to decide? (and that can equally be "some woman").

That's not what I'm saying is empowering. I'm saying making your own decision and choice - whatever that may be that's right for YOU at that moment in time is what's empowering.

ellie101

layton55 wrote: »

You can obviously force yourself to move on and fast but in my experience you tend to surpress feelings rather than give yourself time to mourn the loss or grieve the pain and that's not a good place to be in. People often think the best way is to move on quickly but everyone needs to this in their own time, not simply because it's the general assumption that this is what they should do. Everyone deals with things differently. As someone who never does something until she's ready why would I force myself to move on unless I'm ready to?
.

Why can't you move on e.g leave the husband or wife you are having the affair with then grieve?

It's also what people do when they leave relationships. You need to make a decision it's not working, then you grieve. It's not about moving on quickly. I wouldn't advocate that for anyone.

In my experience, even though you make a decision to go, the actual physical moving on is only the beginning. After that you need to grieve and look after your emotions. And that applies whether you have been in an affair or another relationship.

You don't have to stay within the space of "not moving on to do that". I'd say that once you make a decision you can still spend plenty of time grieving. But if you are stuck in a situation it's very difficult to start that process.

basketcase

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

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I thought I had read every post but I must have missed the one where the Op says he does this.

Mm. I thought 'considered he says this to his wife' might be better than "understood"