Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

purpletoenails

FBaby wrote: »

having read all the pages, I am surprised you are asking the question in the first place, that is actually thinking about the possibility of you two ending up together when from what you have said, the issue hasn't been mentioned at all between you two and you don't seem prepared to bring it up. Or maybe I got this wrong?

Surely before this can happen, you would have to talk about it, not only to mutually confirm that is what you both want, but to start planning it as clearly, it is not something that could happen at the drop of a hat.

You don't seem to doubt the level of commitment and deepness of the relationship, and you know much better than we do, but I am surprised that after 2 1/2 years, you still seem to be on very casual terms, seeing each other only few weeks, having sex even less often. If know if I were you, I would have long mentioned the 'future' of our relationship, not right away, but certainly not wait for a couple of years. After that, it is up to what each wants, but no knowing must be hard. Or is it a case that you don't want to ask because you are worried about his response?

This is a very interesting point and could well be the crux of how I am feeling now. I do not know what the future holds. I don't want to back him into a corner or issue ultimatums - if he is going to leave his marriage then it need to be because thats what he wants, not because I've forced is hand. Very early on he asked whether I could wait til his children had both left home, but I couldn't really answer at that point so I just glossed over it a bit.

I know people on here are very cynical about what he is telling me and think that I'm a gullible fool, but I'm really not. His marriage is far from ideal and that was nothing to do with me coming along. However, I do sometimes wonder if I'm actually propping it up, and if I walked away, he would eventually leave her anyway.

CH27

He's cheated longterm on his wife. That means he likes the excitement of an affair.
If you end up with him you have created a mistress vacancy.
Do you want to spend your life together forever wondering where he is & who he's with?

DuckEggGingham

purpletoenails wrote: »

However, I do sometimes wonder if I'm actually propping it up, and if I walked away, he would eventually leave her anyway.

I agree with you here. There is no need for him to make any choice or think about what he really wants because he really does have the best of both worlds. If one was taken away he would have to think hard on what it was he really wanted.

I do not think you are a gullible fool. I think you knew exactly what you were doing but now you are realising that maybe you deserve a little more then being second best. Because you really do deserve more then this, a few snatched moments with someone who lies to the most important person in his life. If he can do that, what else can he do?

You do not come across as an ogre or some kind of man stealing vamp, its obvious you are not but what you are (both) doing is so very, very wrong. Just be careful what you wish for though as one day you may get a chance to walk in his wife's shoes. Doesn't look a nice place to be from where I am sat.

Would you want this kind of life for your daughter? A part time relationship? How would you feel if your daughter was one day the wife in this scenario? Its cruel.

Errata

TBH if he was coming up with some original lines you might not appear so gullible. From what you've written he's said nothing that hasn't been said by hundreds of thousands of married blokes to dozy women since the dawn of time.
If you can't have a discussion with him about what the future looks like after a couple of years it's because you know darn well what's up and don't want the full light of day into your daydreams and his lies.

superpup

OP, I'm not going to chip in on the rights and wrongs but I have a suggestion - feel free to use or discard as you see fit

I would be interested to know of his reaction if when you next speak to him - I don't know if this is by text, email, phone, in person etc - tell him you've met someone you get on well with and you think he's about to ask you out on a date.

He's seeing 2 people - you and his wife - he can't really complain if you're doing the same. Do you have any idea as to how he would take this news?

FBaby

You are being the perfect partner (mistress or long term partner) in that you are accepting all the conditions he is imposing on your relationship whilst putting no pressure on him at all. Rather than him having his cake and eating it, it might actually make him even more respectful and loving you. However, it is putting you in a position of doubt. What if you accept, against your true wishes, for respect for his needs, to wait until his children are grown up for him to leave his wife and make you his official partner, and when the time comes, he tells you that actually, it is still not the right time because his wife is poorly and he can't leave her then? He has no right to make you such a promise (even indirectly without saying it out right) because he doesn't know what will happen in your mutual lives when this happens.

You seem to be a totally selfless person which all to your honor, but you too have the right to have your feelings, desires, fears etc... respected. It is lovely that you don't want to impose anything on him, that you don't want to put pressure because you want it to be his decision to leave his wife, but surely the gesture has to come to the other way too in that he has to appreciate your position.... that is of course if you allow yourself to share it with him, because if you say nothing about your feelings, your expectations, your wishes, dreams etc..., how is to know that you are not totally satisfied with your relationship the way it is?

I think you really need to talk to him, so he knows what your expectations are, and to gauge what he might be prepared to compromise. The worse thing that could happen to you is that you build hope that he will one day leave his wife, swallow your frustration at having to wait holding on to the moment it will happen, to years down the line discover that it was never his intention and have only yourself to be cross with because you never made it clear that it is what you wanted.

ska_lover

You are kidding yourself! Your words are you are not a ''bad person'' and ''you are not cheating on anyone'' because you, yourself are single make me shudder.

Often wonder how women of your 'calibre' justify it to themselves.

Jo_F

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Which part of marriage is not making sense here? IIRC there are vows about forsaking all others but not about how often a wife has to lie back and think of England nor 'get out clauses' if she doesn't. If your fictitious hero really does worship the ground she walks on AND is willing to walk over hot coals, why is he whining instead of being thankful she is in his life?

Are you talking about a wife who is not putting out or not having any sort of relationship with her husband? If it is just sex and the change is sudden I'd expect him to do everything in his power to find out what is wrong, to communicate with the woman he professes to love - offer mediation, write a heartfelt letter, whatever. In the mean time he can ensure his right hand gets plenty of exercise, it's a myth that men need penetrative sex. Longer term he has the choice of continuing with or ending the marriage, neither separation nor divorce are irrevocable.

This is not fictional, its a marriage that has recently split up, the wife just wanted nothing at all to do with the husband, she wouldn't even kiss him good bye in the morning, stopped even just having a smile or a warm word for him, no matter what he did, and believe me, he did try everything, took her out, took her away, no matter what he did, she refused to acknowledge there was a problem, as far as she was concerned, this was how it was going to be, and from what he says, it was a gradual thing, she never used to be so cold.

He tried everything he could, and she just pushed him further and further away, till in the end he walked out.

Even now the marriage is over, she's still very cold towards him, although she has now got herself another man.

Person_one

Jo_F wrote: »

Why is it always the wicked mistress's fault, followed by 'his' fault?

I am firmly of the belief that you can't help who you fall in love with, and also, if one party of a marriage strays, there is a reason for it (apart from the 1% who just do it cos they can), there is generally a reason at home as to why they are needing/wanting something else. This applies to whichever partner strays, there is something wrong with the relationship. 99 times out of 100 there is no innocent party.

So you believe its the wife's fault?

purpletoenails

Errata wrote: »

TBH if he was coming up with some original lines you might not appear so gullible. From what you've written he's said nothing that hasn't been said by hundreds of thousands of married blokes to dozy women since the dawn of time.
If you can't have a discussion with him about what the future looks like after a couple of years it's because you know darn well what's up and don't want the full light of day into your daydreams and his lies.

So am I now dozy and well as second class?