Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

Jo_F

balletshoes wrote: »

If you,ve read the thread, I don't actually think most of us who have posted do think its the "wicked mistresses fault" - I certainly don't. But sorry, you can totally help who you fall in love with and what you choose to do about it.
I agree that a married person is likely to stray if theres something missing (albeit temporarily) at home - but why then aren't they committed enough to their existing relationship to work on it with their spouse, rather than consider that the grass will automatcially be greener with someone else? What happened to making the effort in your relationship, does nobody bother to do that anymore?

But what happens when the spouse causing the problem refuses to do anything about it?

Take this case, wife is an ice maiden, all of a sudden she wants nothing from her husband, won't talk to him, rebuffs all advances, he is hurt, confused and upset, he wants to be with his wife as he worships the ground she walks on, and no matter how hard he tries, she just won't defrost, she won't even talk about it, accuses him of allsorts (he's not done anything but love her at this point), says its all in his mind etc etc.

He still loves his wife, he would walk over hot coals for her, but he also needs a little bit of warmth, a little love and comfort, what is he supposed to do? Leave the wife he loves, have a fling or just put up with living this way?

lostinrates

Jo_F wrote: »

I am firmly of the belief that you can't help who you fall in love with, and also, if one party of a marriage strays, there is a reason for it (apart from the 1% who just do it cos they can),.

I feel for op in some ways.

In my early twenties I met a guy through work and we really hit it off. He was a nice chap, we laughed together and worked well and there was definite ''tension''. It was almost inevitable that we would want a non professional relationship. I didn't know he had a partner untill after he'd asked me out, but another colleague told me he had a partner and child, and that there was some difficulty rumbling at home. It was obvious to our colleagues that ''something'' was likely to start between us, and that warning helped me stop a situation both he and I would have been ashamed about. Of course I didn't suddenly find him unattractive, but it did stop me going any further and making him stop.

What he REALLY needed at that time was a friend. we remained friends for some time, and there was always something special that ''could have been'' I think but he worked on his marriage and I moved on.

Its nice remembering the ''could have beens'' but I'm prouder of both of us that we didn't. I'm glad it allowed us to continue thinking well of each other. (though sitting with him and his girlfriend at the Christmas do for that work was difficult for us both it was also the thing that helked me most lose the regret over nothing going further. His girlfriend and he were a bit tense between them, but she was lovely and I doubt most relationships are always easy). I'm glad for her sake, and his, it was someone like me who his stumbling moment was with, not someone who ''couldn't help it''.

Of course, he may well have gone on to have another extra ''marital'' relationship since, but I hope not. We spoke about it a lot in the few months after the bubble popped and he was very sorry for the position I was in (the position he had put me in), his girlfriend was in and it was certainly a relief to him that I had found out. I think he was having a hard time doing the ''right thing'' but ultimately was glad thats what ended up happening.

FWIW, I'm guessing his relationship did improve as they went on to get married and have another child. My guess is they, like many people, were struggling with growing up (youngish parents), living with each other and possibly the struggles of being parents. As far as I knew they were both good parents. For a while I did half hope the relationship would break down independantly of our ''moment'' and then we'd have been able to act upon our feelings, but it didn't. I moved on. I smile about him now, but ultimately I'm glad it didn't happen.

You can't help falling for someone, you can help acting upon it. I soimply don't believe there is ''the one'' who makes all ethics worth riding roughshod over.

balletshoes

Jo_F wrote: »

But what happens when the spouse causing the problem refuses to do anything about it?

Take this case, wife is an ice maiden, all of a sudden she wants nothing from her husband, won't talk to him, rebuffs all advances, he is hurt, confused and upset, he wants to be with his wife as he worships the ground she walks on, and no matter how hard he tries, she just won't defrost, she won't even talk about it, accuses him of allsorts (he's not done anything but love her at this point), says its all in his mind etc etc.

He still loves his wife, he would walk over hot coals for her, but he also needs a little bit of warmth, a little love and comfort, what is he supposed to do? Leave the wife he loves, have a fling or just put up with living this way?

good questions - although clearly not the OPs situation . I'd say if all other avenues with his wife had been explored as fully as possible and he'd given it time without the warmth and comfort he was missing from his wife, then the right thing to do is to tell his wife he's thinking of looking for physical comfort elsewhere. Then everyone knows where they stand. If my husband was playing away, no matter how hard that would be to hear, I'd want to know.

Jesswithwings

Jo_F wrote: »

But what happens when the spouse causing the problem refuses to do anything about it?

Take this case, wife is an ice maiden, all of a sudden she wants nothing from her husband, won't talk to him, rebuffs all advances, he is hurt, confused and upset, he wants to be with his wife as he worships the ground she walks on, and no matter how hard he tries, she just won't defrost, she won't even talk about it, accuses him of allsorts (he's not done anything but love her at this point), says its all in his mind etc etc.

He still loves his wife, he would walk over hot coals for her, but he also needs a little bit of warmth, a little love and comfort, what is he supposed to do? Leave the wife he loves, have a fling or just put up with living this way?

In this case, - say it was my husband who was icy cold and disinterested,I would try and persuade him to go to marriage councelling, I would take him away to a place for a weekend where we would not be interrupted by the phone, kids etc and I would lay it on the line - what has changed? is there a future in this marriage? and if the answer is there is no future then I would ask him to leave. There is NEVER an excuse for adultery. Honestly what is wrong with people????!!! :eek:

rachbc

My FIL had an affair for 21 years and never left his wife. I met my now hubby when I was in a relationshio (living together, not married) - i went home and ended 2 days later...I suspect if he was going to leave he would have done it by now!

Comyface

I agree with what has been said before. If he was going to leave his wife, he'd have done it by now. End it and move on.

POPPYOSCAR

I think you know deep down inside the answer to your question.

You just need the courage to end it and move on with your life.

Miss_Voodoo

He is treating both his wife and you like !!!!. And you are letting him.

It's all very convenient for him, isn't it? But how convenient is it for YOU? How well does it work for YOU? Don't you ever find yourself thinking that there must be something better than this? Or would you rather just be waiting around for him to get in touch (because I'm guessing you can't contact him as and when you wish) and putting your life on hold, waiting for things to happen when it suits HIM?

butterflylady131

Jesswithwings wrote: »

There is NEVER an excuse for adultery. :eek:

Completely correct! I also agree with the poster who said that you can't help who you fall in love with, but you can help acting upon it.

I was in a long term relationship and was cheated on. He was and probably still is an extremely selfish person. That's what adultery is, a selfish, cowardly act.

And no, I do not think this man (and I use the term very loosely), will leave his wife for you. He is definately having his cake and eating it.

Fire_Fox

Jo_F wrote: »

But what happens when the spouse causing the problem refuses to do anything about it?

Take this case, wife is an ice maiden, all of a sudden she wants nothing from her husband, won't talk to him, rebuffs all advances, he is hurt, confused and upset, he wants to be with his wife as he worships the ground she walks on, and no matter how hard he tries, she just won't defrost, she won't even talk about it, accuses him of allsorts (he's not done anything but love her at this point), says its all in his mind etc etc.

He still loves his wife, he would walk over hot coals for her, but he also needs a little bit of warmth, a little love and comfort, what is he supposed to do? Leave the wife he loves, have a fling or just put up with living this way?

Which part of marriage is not making sense here? IIRC there are vows about forsaking all others but not about how often a wife has to lie back and think of England nor 'get out clauses' if she doesn't. If your fictitious hero really does worship the ground she walks on AND is willing to walk over hot coals, why is he whining instead of being thankful she is in his life?

Are you talking about a wife who is not putting out or not having any sort of relationship with her husband? If it is just sex and the change is sudden I'd expect him to do everything in his power to find out what is wrong, to communicate with the woman he professes to love - offer mediation, write a heartfelt letter, whatever. In the mean time he can ensure his right hand gets plenty of exercise, it's a myth that men need penetrative sex. Longer term he has the choice of continuing with or ending the marriage, neither separation nor divorce are irrevocable.