Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

euronorris

I'm curious, why would him having an affair with another woman not be OK in your book, but him being in a relationship with his wife IS OK?

Essentially, he isn't being faithful to you in either instance, so why is one OK and not the other?

Seriously, leave him. It's for the best, especially for you! You already know that.......it'll be hard, that's all. Better now than another 2 and a half years down the line.

peachyprice

euronorris wrote: »

I'm curious, why would him having an affair with another woman not be OK in your book, but him being in a relationship with his wife IS OK?

Essentially, he isn't being faithful to you in either instance, so why is one OK and not the other?

Because he and his have separate rooms (he said so)and things are not rosy, so it doesn't count :rotfl::rotfl:



Hey EN, I threw away 14 bags of SV crisps last week, I thought of you as I chucked them in the wheelie bin

SaLoGo

peachyprice wrote: »

Because he and his have separate rooms (he said so)and things are not rosy, so it doesn't count

Plus she's not "technically" cheating so that doesn't count either.

It's adultery whichever way you look at it. And yes, IMHO it does make you a bad person. You are sleeping with someones husband! Honey, it won't win you the citizen of the year award!

*confused*

I can understand why people are being a direct and critical of OP as being the other woman isn't a place many of us would consider putting ourselves.

Having said that I think being harsh may actually have the opposite effect - if she is feeling hurt by those comments here where is she going to turn for someone to make her feel better? I'd have a wild guess that she will go the married man to help her feel better.

OP, I know how easy it is to get caught up in these things. I had a very short fling over 10 years ago with the man I considered my best friend at the time, it didn't go far as I realised what I was doing (didn't even get as far as sex) but yes, very easy to get caught up in the compliments and the lovely feelings you can get from someone saying great things about you.

But, it isn't right. If you take a step back from it what would you advise a friend to do in the same situation? If it was my friend I'd be saying she deserves better, she is risking hurt to all involved (including the wife and children), she deserves a man who is her very own. One she won't always doubt even if he did leave his wife as I don't imagine it would be easy to forget that he was someone else's when they met, and who's to say he wouldn't do the same again.

After 2 and a half years it's probably become a little too comfortable, dare I say it even safe, for you to look at your life without him. But I do think that's what you're going to have to do, for his wife's sake, and for your own. No one deserves to be loved part time. We all should have someone we can love, trust and rely upon full time.

Jo_F

Why is it always the wicked mistress's fault, followed by 'his' fault?

I am firmly of the belief that you can't help who you fall in love with, and also, if one party of a marriage strays, there is a reason for it (apart from the 1% who just do it cos they can), there is generally a reason at home as to why they are needing/wanting something else. This applies to whichever partner strays, there is something wrong with the relationship. 99 times out of 100 there is no innocent party.

balletshoes

Jo_F wrote: »

Why is it always the wicked mistress's fault, followed by 'his' fault?

I am firmly of the belief that you can't help who you fall in love with, and also, if one party of a marriage strays, there is a reason for it (apart from the 1% who just do it cos they can), there is generally a reason at home as to why they are needing/wanting something else. This applies to whichever partner strays, there is something wrong with the relationship. 99 times out of 100 there is no innocent party.

If you,ve read the thread, I don't actually think most of us who have posted do think its the "wicked mistresses fault" - I certainly don't. But sorry, you can totally help who you fall in love with and what you choose to do about it.
I agree that a married person is likely to stray if theres something missing (albeit temporarily) at home - but why then aren't they committed enough to their existing relationship to work on it with their spouse, rather than consider that the grass will automatcially be greener with someone else? What happened to making the effort in your relationship, does nobody bother to do that anymore?

DuckEggGingham

Jo_F wrote: »

Why is it always the wicked mistress's fault, followed by 'his' fault?

I am firmly of the belief that you can't help who you fall in love with, and also, if one party of a marriage strays, there is a reason for it (apart from the 1% who just do it cos they can), there is generally a reason at home as to why they are needing/wanting something else. This applies to whichever partner strays, there is something wrong with the relationship. 99 times out of 100 there is no innocent party.

Then he should either make an effort to work things out with his wife or leave her. I agree you cannot help who you fall in love with but if something was wrong at home for him to do this (bearing in mind we already know he is a liar, so his version is worth zilch) he should of had the courage to leave or work things out even with help if needed.

With him stringing this lady along for 2 1/2 years tells me things are not to bad at home. Something is keeping him there. So along with being a liar is he now cowardly to? No courage to leave? No courage to fix anything? Doesn't bode well for a future with this man.

I believe this lady is at fault to. She knew him as a friend and knew he was married. Its completely different when a woman has no idea what a scoundrel the man is and that he is married with a whole different life. I would have every sympathy for her in that scenario.

I can't feel the sympathy this time. There really is no point crying over the relationship now. She accepted the terms when she all knowingly accepted a married man into her bed. Its laughable that she stated if he was seeing anyone else as well as her that he would never see her again. Erm, his WIFE not count then?

There is no "follower" of fault in this one in my view. They are both as bad as each other.

thorsoak

purpletoenails wrote: »

I am not out every weekend pulling married men and bringing them home to have my wicked way with them just because I feel like it, with total disregard as to whether or not anybody gets hurt. In fact I did not even intentionally set out to fall in love with a married man. But it's happened, it's been going on a while, and now I am trying to decide what to do for the best. If I walk away now, the only people that will be hurt are him and I. Btw, it does not make either of us 'second class'

No, it doesn't - but he is still not being honest with his wife, is he? So that makes it a dishonest relationship. You must have asked yourself "if he is less than honest with his wife, is he honest with me?"

The longer your affair continues, the more people that it will hurt, and longer you stay in this relationship the more difficult it will be for you to have an honest relationship with someone else.

I do wish you well - and my advice is - a straight break now before you go through more unhappiness. The mere fact that you have posted here shows that you have some disquiet about the situation.

Be strong!

Fire_Fox

purpletoenails wrote: »

No, he can't just pop round to see me when he feels like it. About 30% of the time he will come down here, the rest of the time I will go up there. I prefer to go to where he is, I live in a 1 horse town with !!!!!! all to do.

So he doesn't even have to make an effort to see his mistress? No chance of you getting spotted together and his wife finding out? Or has he got a ready-prepared lie for that? Is there really no trace of you whatsoever in his everyday day that his wife could come across?

What exactly are you getting out of this? I get that you love him, but I am sure we can all agree love just means an increased chance of getting badly hurt not a fairy tale happy ending. If you live in a town with nothing to do, move and create a wonderful life of your own instead of living in a fantasy. What percentage of the time not (when you are together or speaking but 24/7) does this relationship make you happy? What percentage of the time do you think a healthy relationship should make someone happy?

purpletoenails wrote: »

I am not out every weekend pulling married men and bringing them home to have my wicked way with them just because I feel like it, with total disregard as to whether or not anybody gets hurt. In fact I did not even intentionally set out to fall in love with a married man. But it's happened, it's been going on a while, and now I am trying to decide what to do for the best. If I walk away now, the only people that will be hurt are him and I. Btw, it does not make either of us 'second class'

I am trying not to jump on the bandwagon and judge you morally, I am aiming to challenge some of your beliefs. I don't actually think you are intentionally misleading us, I think you are lying to yourself.

I don't think I know anyone who has set out to fall in love be that with a single man, a married woman, a person of the same sex, someone who lives next door or in Australia. I do know people who have made an active decision NOT to get embroiled in inappropriate relationships at any level. Regardless of how long it took to develop sexually, you both knew your contact and conduct was inappropriate before the love stage.

FBaby

having read all the pages, I am surprised you are asking the question in the first place, that is actually thinking about the possibility of you two ending up together when from what you have said, the issue hasn't been mentioned at all between you two and you don't seem prepared to bring it up. Or maybe I got this wrong?

Surely before this can happen, you would have to talk about it, not only to mutually confirm that is what you both want, but to start planning it as clearly, it is not something that could happen at the drop of a hat.

You don't seem to doubt the level of commitment and deepness of the relationship, and you know much better than we do, but I am surprised that after 2 1/2 years, you still seem to be on very casual terms, seeing each other only few weeks, having sex even less often. If know if I were you, I would have long mentioned the 'future' of our relationship, not right away, but certainly not wait for a couple of years. After that, it is up to what each wants, but no knowing must be hard. Or is it a case that you don't want to ask because you are worried about his response?