Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

POPPYOSCAR

VestanPance wrote: »

Happy with some things, not with others. Such is life. One thing I'm not is stupid enough to make the same mistake twice.

VestanPance.

I sincerely hope that one day someone comes along and changes your mind and that you do take that chance.

It is possible to love again you know.

Bogof_Babe

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I know it is not easy - but for your own sake you have to get over the bitterness and move on or it could ruin your life and even make you ill.

Horrible things happen to people all the time - it is not right, but to me its all part of life. I am also a great believer in everything happens for a reason.

I also think that if you remain bitter it shows and will come across to those that you meet and this could also have a detrimental effect on your life.

Can I ask how long has it been since it happened to you?

I found out about his infatuation almost exactly one year ago, and it has been a year of hell. Instead of concentrating on my mother in her final illness I had the worry of what he was doing/thinking/wanting hanging over me the whole time. I will never forgive him for that. He was still working with her, and it was patently obvious he couldn't get her out of his mind. It had been going on for about six months already, and I'd been ignoring things that should have been warning signs because I genuinely never thought for a minute that such a thing could happen. I was really pleased he had got a good friend at work to "have a laugh with" - ha bloody ha.

However things do move on, and after a couple of ultimatums (ultimata?), he finally realised, to use his own words, which side his bread was buttered. We are picking up the pieces and most of the time it's almost like the old days before any of this happened, but I will never fully trust him again, and that in itself is a constant niggle in my mind. He doesn't work with her at the moment (it's in a school and it's the hols) and tells me she isn't going back next term, but I still can't relax enough to believe that she's out of our lives.

So yes, I'm bitter that he took what we had built up over 36 years and callously destroyed it, through being a silly old fool and falling for the charms of a younger woman, who I still think was probably more interested in what he had in his wallet than his trousers. When it came to the crunch he decided to stick with the devil he knows (me ), but why did I have to spend a year of my life in constant daily angst?

Sorry to offload, but I hope it helps explain my stance on this issue.

Edit to add: For all I know I might have been an example of the very phrase suggested on this thread... "I can't leave her now, her mother is ill".

neverdespairgirl

nickyhutch wrote: »

Right. That bad behaviour of mine is over, and has been for 7 years. I'm not doing it any more. Everyone involved has moved on so what gives you, a stranger, the right to harangue me about it now? Yes, it was wrong. Yes, it was bad behaviour. It is not persistent. Do I have to sit on the naughty step forever?

No. But in order to justify your behaviour to yourself, you seem to want to talk about it as "no-one's perfect.... people are judgmental.... these things happen....."

When I was 18 I ended a relationship by the time-honoured cowardly way of dropping all contact until the message was received. I'm a lot older than 18 now (I'm 33), and I'm perfectly prepared to say it was a terrible and hurtful way for me to behave, and I decided after that to behave differently and better in the future.

POPPYOSCAR

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Thanked by nickyhutch and purpletoenails. So they apparently have absolutely no sympathy for the emotional distress of the abandoned wife. That tells me more about their self-satisfaction than any of their self-justifying posts ever could. If and when they get/got what they want, they have no concern whatsoever for the wake of destruction they leave behind. Nice.

Hard not to be bitter when your life turns upside down and you feel the rug has been pulled from under you, sometimes after many decades of being half of a couple, and thinking everything was fine.

Just read your post again re the first bit.

Why do you think that they have no sympathy for the abandoned wife just because they thanked me? Does that mean you think I do not have any then?

Of course it is is an awful thing to be abandoned - something I have experienced myself as I have said before. It made me ill. I could not sleep, eat or go to work.We had been together for 10 years.

nickyhutch

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

No. But in order to justify your behaviour to yourself, you seem to want to talk about it as "no-one's perfect.... people are judgmental.... these things happen....."

When I was 18 I ended a relationship by the time-honoured cowardly way of dropping all contact until the message was received. I'm a lot older than 18 now (I'm 33), and I'm perfectly prepared to say it was a terrible and hurtful way for me to behave, and I decided after that to behave differently and better in the future.

I'm not saying that to justify it to myself. I'm saying that because it's what I believe. Why can you not accept that? Why do you insist that you know why I say something better than I know why I say it?

I am behaving differently and better. I'm not having an affair and am not planning on doing so any day soon. What do you want me to do? Send him back?

clearingout

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

VestanPance.

I sincerely hope that one day someone comes along and changes your mind and that you do take that chance.

It is possible to love again you know.

Vestanpance - I was cheated on - for many years - by a man I honestly believed loved me....he was happy to have unprotected sex with me the same week he walked out (and whilst setting up home with the other woman) which resulted in a pregnancy. I put up with her taking a salary from our family business, driving a company car, going on holidays, weekends away, theatre breaks and spa days, all whilst the mortgage on our family home went unpaid and I was being threatened with repossession at the point I gave birth. I suffered my ex demanding DNA tests when he'd been the one having an affair, having him refuse to pay maintenance (despite court orders and deduction of earnings orders and who knows what else) and I stood back and shared care of our older children believing that was the right thing to do. I have heard him cry whilst telling me what the girlfriend did to our children (she is somewhat heavy handed) and I have watched my children sob whilst trying to understand why their dad has picked his girlfriend over them.

I struggle to believe I will ever trust again let alone love. But I believe it possible and I believe that there are decent men (and women) out there who would never dream of behaving the way my ex has. For now, I'm just looking after my children and myself and enjoying rebuilding my life (and I am enjoying it) but I do believe that someday, when I least expect it, I'll meet someone and I'll wonder what I was worrying about. It took me a long time to get to this point - but I have. Give it time and be open to it but most of all, be kind to yourself.

Bogof_Babe

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Just read your post again re the first bit.

Why do you think that they have no sympathy for the abandoned wife just because they thanked me? Does that mean you think I do not have any then?

Of course it is is an awful thing to be abandoned - something I have experienced myself as I have said before. It made me ill. I could not sleep, eat or go to work.We had been together for 10 years.

No I don't think you have no sympathy for the abandoned wife, because you are not one of those justifying getting involved with married men.

I think it is easy to say "don't be bitter" - a bit like saying "get over it" or "cheer up" - easy when you know how!

POPPYOSCAR

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

I found out about his infatuation almost exactly one year ago, and it has been a year of hell. Instead of concentrating on my mother in her final illness I had the worry of what he was doing/thinking/wanting hanging over me the whole time. I will never forgive him for that. He was still working with her, and it was patently obvious he couldn't get her out of his mind. It had been going on for about six months already, and I'd been ignoring things that should have been warning signs because I genuinely never thought for a minute that such a thing could happen. I was really pleased he had got a good friend at work to "have a laugh with" - ha bloody ha.

However things do move on, and after a couple of ultimatums (ultimata?), he finally realised, to use his own words, which side his bread was buttered. We are picking up the pieces and most of the time it's almost like the old days before any of this happened, but I will never fully trust him again, and that in itself is a constant niggle in my mind. He doesn't work with her at the moment (it's in a school and it's the hols) and tells me she isn't going back next term, but I still can't relax enough to believe that she's out of our lives.

So yes, I'm bitter that he took what we had built up over 36 years and callously destroyed it, through being a silly old fool and falling for the charms of a younger woman, who I still think was probably more interested in what he had in his wallet than his trousers. When it came to the crunch he decided to stick with the devil he knows (me ), but why did I have to spend a year of my life in constant daily angst?

Sorry to offload, but I hope it helps explain my stance on this issue.

Edit to add: For all I know I might have been an example of the very phrase suggested on this thread... "I can't leave her now, her mother is ill".

Thanks for sharing your situation.

I do understand where you are coming from.

Lunar_Eclipse

nickyhutch wrote: »

Right. That bad behaviour of mine is over, and has been for 7 years. I'm not doing it any more. Everyone involved has moved on so what gives you, a stranger, the right to harangue me about it now? Yes, it was wrong. Yes, it was bad behaviour. It is not persistent.Do I have to sit on the naughty step forever?

A lot of people will think twice is persistent.

I'm really pleased that things have worked out well for all those affected in your family during your two marriages (assuming I've understood things correctly.) What confuses me though, is why two married men became the loves of your life. I mean statistically speaking, what are the chances of that?

ETA: this was posted as a genuine pondering (have you ever wondered the same?), not particularly personal really.

POPPYOSCAR

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

No I don't think you have no sympathy for the abandoned wife, because you are not one of those justifying getting involved with married men.

I think it is easy to say "don't be bitter" - a bit like saying "get over it" or "cheer up" - easy when you know how!

Of course it is easy to say and not so easy to do, I realise that.

I just sincerely believe that somehow you have to find a way out of bitterness or it can destroy your life.

I think your situation is slightly different in that it is fairly recent this has happened and you are having to 'forgive and forget' rather than having to move on with your life in a different direction.

I really hope you can in time rebuild the trust with your OH and you never know things may turn out better than ever in the end.