Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

euronorris

Mistakes we make don't always have to end badly for us. Sometimes they can make things difficult for us, or hurt others, but leave us happier in the end. They're still mistakes though.

clearingout

euronorris wrote: »

I know, but that wasn't the point we were discussing. It was whether or not the affair was justified. Which it wasn't.

I think the problem we're having here is that a lot of people are talking about affairs they had, or were involved in, with no sign of remorse. I accept that people f'ck up, and make bad choices, but this doesn't mean that no apology, remorse, or sympathy for the hurt party(ies) is required.

I think this is a good point. My ex has never said sorry. He's never shown any remorse or upset. Indeed, he once told me that I needed to apologise to him for somehow having 'forced' him into having an affair because I was such a dreadful wife!

I find it dreadfully sad because if he stopped playing the victim and actually faced up to what he did and his responsibilities generally, he would realise that I am indeed sorry for the inadequacies I brought to our relationship - which I now see clearly - and I do actually understand why he had an affair, even if the consequences of that have been devastating for me. It would be a different marriage if I could go back to day one and know what I know now.

But you know what? Even saying that, there is something about my ex's sense of entitlement, his absolute failure to even consider that his actions might be 'wrong', which suggests to me that no matter how much better a wife I could have been, I doubt very much it would have had a knock on effect of making him a better husband. It takes two to make a relationship, something my ex has never seemed to accept.

Accepting you have a part to play in every aspect of your life - be it successful or a failure - is part of what removes bitterness and helps you to truly grow as a person. It is then that you can apologise for your own inadequacies and move on knowing you've learnt something. For people who have affairs, who set up something new to make the transition to the new life as seamless as possible, this is a step in the process that seems to be often over-looked. (Obviously, this is my experience and in no way is meant to suggest other people posting here haven't learnt anything!!!)

lostinrates

clearingout wrote: »

Accepting you have a part to play in every aspect of your life - be it successful or a failure - is part of what removes bitterness and helps you to truly grow as a person. It is then that you can apologise for your own inadequacies and move on knowing you've learnt something. QUOTE]


I very strongly agree with this, and its very similar to something I say often myself ..one of those things your friend's can rely on one to point out....I half jokingly phrase it ''Up until I was 16 its my parent's fault, the rest of it I was responsible for and ruined it all by myself''.

The thing is, in life, when you don't take responsibility ...not to others but to yourself, you can't stop yourself making the same error, which can hurt ONESELF, likewise, if you fail to claim your successes you can't repeat them predictably...which can stop you succeeding and progressing in life.

Thank you for saying this so articulately.

Wickedkitten

Pollycat wrote: »

I can see where you're coming from, but if I ever found out my OH was having an affair I know who I'd put most (if not all) the blame on.

And it wouldn't be the other woman.

Oh no doubt, I'm the exact same way, the other woman isn't the one that is in the relationship with you after all so the decision to cheat in the first place is definitely on him. However, legally in America in some states at least, you can actually sue the other woman for alienation of affection if it turns out that she knew about the relationship.

Bogof_Babe

Wickedkitten wrote: »

Oh no doubt, I'm the exact same way, the other woman isn't the one that is in the relationship with you after all so the decision to cheat in the first place is definitely on him. However, legally in America in some states at least, you can actually sue the other woman for alienation of affection if it turns out that she knew about the relationship.

Interesting expression. It implies that there would still be affection in the marriage if the third party had not provoked the dissatisfaction. I think we're getting to the nitty gritty now, which categorizes neatly those people who lined up a replacement before quitting their committed relationship.

I'm not talking about the battered, emotionally abused betrayees, as those would presumably have made their exit at the first possible practical opportunity. That expression fits those who fancied a bit of a change, so took up with someone who showed an interest, and thereby allowed the new squeeze to alienate the affection they had previously felt for their marital partner. Nice one.

nickyhutch

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

This was in a post which included a quote from me. If you are aiming this comment at me, then please tell me what I have said to you that is "unpleasant" bearing in mind this is an unpleasant topic...

Or is it unpleasant because some people disagree with you?

I think I'm right in saying the only person to use the word "harlot" is you?

I'm not aiming it at anyone in particular.

*sigh* No, I don't find it unpleasant because I don't agree with it, I find it unpleasant because it's unnecessarily judgmental, superior and critical.

Yes, probably. What's your point?

purpletoenails

Pollycat wrote: »

I've not posted much on this thread but have been reading lots.

I thought the OP had asked her friend if he saw them having a future together as she was no longer content with the bit of him she currently has and he was going away (with his family) for 2 weeks and will decide during that time.
At the same time, the OP is also considering her future.

Have I missed something?

euronorris wrote: »

No, that's how I understood it. But also, if he decides he can't leave his wife and family, I believe the OP will be (trying) to walk away from the relationship and move on. Hard as that will be.

But that's still a plan, no?

purpletoenails wrote: »

I told him that I was feeling unsatisfied with the relationship as it stands and that although I do love him, it is no longer enough for me, and while I fully understood the situation he is in, he needs to make a decision one way or another as to whether we have a future together on a more permanent basis. I have asked him to seriously think about this before the next time we meet (and depending on what he has to say, I will decide to hang in there or walk away) He is due to go away on his holidays shortly afterwards so I think that if the decision is to end things, it will be easier to stick to knowing that it will be very difficult to contact each other for several weeks.

I will be seeing him in a few days time and he is going on holiday a few days afther that. As I have said before, I am not going to give him an ultimatum, I would prefer him to decide what he really wants without any pressure from me.

Pollycat

Thanks for the clarification. PTN.

I'd sort-of got the gist but got the holiday in the wrong place.

purpletoenails wrote: »

I will be seeing him in a few days time and he is going on holiday a few days afther that. As I have said before, I am not going to give him an ultimatum, I would prefer him to decide what he really wants without any pressure from me.

Do you know what you really want? (If you want to tell us, that is)

If he prevaricates, will you continue the relationship (and maybe ask the same question another couple of years down the line)?

Or have you made a decision that will kick in based on his decision or non-decision (IYSWIM)?

purpletoenails

erdd2 wrote: »

That is your view to which of course you are entitled and thank goodness as there have been some excellent points raised and promulgated.

Nicky, as well as others have taken a verbal bashing on this thread expressing their views and experiences and I hope OP has been helped in some way with her "dilemma".

Yes the topic has strayed and been reigned in, however purple has stayed with it which leaves me for one thinking she does not want the suggested move/new thread.

Despite some of the more hostile posts, I have found this thread has helped me to clarify my thoughts and kept me focused over the last few weeks. I'm an eternal optimist and generally see the best in every person and in every situation, so reading some of the replies has made me think more realistically about this relationship and the long term implications it could have for everyone involved.

Errata

It's good to see the thread has helped. One thing that's never been paid much attention to is the frequency of your meetings with him. Seeing him as infrequently as you do leaves a vast amount of space for the meetings to be 'stage managed' and bear little resemblance to an exclusive relationship between two people. The infrequency also greatly lessens the ability of either to develop any depth of intimacy.

It seems to me that he's already made a decision about how frequently he wants to see you because he's doing it and has been from the start. I can't see a comfortably off, succesful business man with children at fee paying schools doing anything to jeopardise that set up. He's happy with it, or he wouldn't continue with it.
You've said he loves you. Is that because he's told you he loves you? Have you understood he says the same words to his wife every single day - and means them.